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August-2007
: Tuesday August 07, 2007
: 09:57 AM

I know I haven't written in awhile.......I'm sorry. I hear from people from time to time who remind me how lazy I have been. The truth is...I'm simple and have had no creative ideas. Iv'e been busy traveling the country selling plastics and also doing club dates--but taking care of these kids is a a pain in the ass too. They want so much of my time it's unreal. We haven't even gone away on any vacation this summer as baseball took up most of the summer, and from here on in my 2 are playing football--so there goes August. The comedy shows have been fun...been pretty busy there and done a lot of shows. I really am getting alot of work, and have probably been doing it to much. Hey....when your playing the likes of towns like New Britain, Plainville, and Park Ridge, NJ----how can you turn any of it down? It's been so hot that i feel like I'm in Cairo......I sweat like Dan Quayle in a spelling bee........My kids are doing conditioning in this weather for football, and it reminds me of my days doing the same back in the 70's....only difference is they only do one practice a day..we would do 3 a day during certain summer months...also they get their own little water jugs as opposed to the big filthy bucket that we all shared using the same ladle.....also...if you don;t finish the laps, or come to practice a few minutes late---they don't kick you, swear at you, degrade you, or smack you off the front of the helmet as was done to me back in the day. another funny tidbit in the cahnge in years is when these teams lose( and in this town--they really lose) they aren't upset by it. By the way--they also hit as hard as Richard Simmons hitting a punching bag. My nephew -Dan Mulrooney has arrived at Boston College for his Freshamn year as a scholarshiped football player. The kid is some player..I visited him last week and the kid is putting on a great show up there. he was CT's All-State running back past 2 years and has unlimited potential and will test it all out for B.C the next 4 years. he's 6ft 2" 210 Lbs and runs like OJ Simpson going past Kato's house on a Sat night. He showed me his locker room, the stadium he'll play on, the weight room, the dorm..the kids really playing big time....he'll be playing against Notre Dame, Florida State, Miami, Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech, among others and will be televised almost each game. This kid can run, catch, tackle, throw, and everything else under the sun....wait till he figures out that football stars get all the chicks---he hasn;t even had time to figure this out--and if he's anything like me--he won;t know about it till he's 28. I am down about 30 Lbs from 6 months ago, and if I wasn't already a mainstay in the plastics business, Id give it a shot in Hollywood making some movies. If i can just tomne the body up and grow some hair back, I will be back where I was when I was 19--the only problem is, I still have the energy level of a 47 year old which means I still go to bed around 9;30 and wake at 5:00 each morning...just like old retired guys do. problem is when I have a comedy show and i get home late..I still wake up at 5;00 which really rots...i feel good though overall, and my doctor tells me if i keep up doing what i have been doing, I should live past 70, which neither of my parents did...so I was encouraged....he said to do the same things Iv'e been doing-so I opened a bottle of wine up, lit a cigar, and and grabbed his nurse around her hips.....just kidding....what a cheap joke. Anyway...that's my wrap-up for now..will try and check in again soon....and summer is almost over--football is coming, school is about to open (yay!!!) the heat will leave...and Christmas is coming....can't wait

: Comedy-News- Stuff
: Wednesday June 27, 2007
: 12:52 PM

Everybody always busts my chops for not writing more of these so here it goes....I'll be in New Britain, CT this weekend with Rich Vos from Last Comic Standing doing a show at a theatre there. I understand it's a real nice place as far as New Britain goes....New britain is one of those towns in which if george Washington or one of these guys ever came back and saw this he;d be like..."what the hell are you people doing?????" I have been working a lot in comedy actually....doing some fundraising, some clubs, and later this summer will be doing a few vacation resort type places. I am so glad that Paris Hilton is free...it actually leads the news stories even though we are at war..I mean...Paris Hilton coming out of jail following a few days being drunk while driving around "clubbing" actually is the headline story. We are a sick nation...at least lead off with somethig significant like 'my son went from a B- to a B in Algebra this semester." he really did..the kid is really worling hard...far smarter than me...in fact when I was his age..I was struggling in Pre-Algebra. I laugh at the schools today...the classes arent the same...for example....English is now 'Language Arts"...that's so not to insult the kids that are speaking Mandarin and want to contunue speaking Mandarin, even though English is our language. I also love the library is no longer that, but the "Media Center"...I always feel i'm going to see Dan Rather, and Connie Chung behind a desk, with a few books surrounding them, just in case a kid might possibly have a reason to read. It's hot as hell and i'm sweating like Dan Quayle in a spelling contest.....I hate the heat.....I'm Irish and you know...I'm used to cold temperatures--like in a PUB, something like that. I don't like to sweat...that's my biggest problem....when I sweat I smell and that's bad for the guy next to me on the plane. I also hate sun block....I hate applying it, I hate the greasiness of it...I hate the smell of it, and if I don't put it on...i am as red as the veins in Ted Kennedy's face. I also hate having to get back into a hot car...you know..you climb in and it's sweltering...till the AC kicks in....I hate pool parties in the heat...I go in because I'm so hot, but really..I hate pools..because i hate the chlorine, and especially hate why you need chlorine--which is because the animal who was in before you urinated because he was too lazy to get out.......... Oh well...before you know the leaves will be turning.........

: Safe Graduation Night
: Tuesday June 19, 2007
: 02:29 PM

I have been asked by the local High School Admin. to perform at the annual "Safe Grad Nite " program after the graduation. This is a ridiculous affair..in which the adults put on tons of events for the kids to keep busy till all hours of the night to keep them safe, so they stay in the building...where all they really want to do is get loose and do all the dangerous events that kids want to do...like fool around with their girlfriends and drink down by the beach. Anyway....apparrently it woeks because most kids actually attend this little event....good luck keeping my buddies and I locked up like that all night after we had alredy been locked up there for 4 years...why wouldnt we split? Anyway.... They gave me the 12:30 am slot, which gives me an hour of doing stand-up to 17 yr olds in an auditorium. No adult content...no drinks...and a 12;30 time slot. This is going to go over like George Bush at a Spelling Bee Contest. I have to write some stuff...and get creative somehow.....I have no idea....talk about detention and homeroom and dating....and Proms....and whatever. This won't be easy...but hey...who knows? I graduated High School almost 30 yrs ago...unreal..huh? I graduated like 212 out of like..248. The only kids that graduated lower than me were the ones that were transferred from a Special Ed Polish technical school from Wayne, NJ....oh yeah..and my friend Bill Mandia....he scored lower too. he was half italian and half irish...which meant he could bowl and drink at the same time. When we graduated we were so proud of ourselves...as if we had truly done something significant. It is funny really....it was the biggest thing in our little simple lives...I had no idea then how difficult it would be to graduate college...or even to get in. how hard it would be to do 12 minutes of quality stand-up.....or how to get married and keep it going for 17 years.....how to fertilize a lawn without spilling the seed all over the garage....or how to love your son without selling him on EBay.....or even how to sell plastic---which actually was pretty easy. anyway....here I am ...30 years later....and I'll tell you.....the years go by fast....my hair is falling out....i'm thinking of retirement....my brother is a grandfather already....(he looks like one too), my wife is a veteran school teacher.....and I'm watching my Met players of yesterday play in Old Timer's Games.......I hate it..i really do. Oh well...thank God I don't quite need Levitra or anything.

: NYC Week
: Friday June 15, 2007
: 08:59 AM

I am exhausted...I started off Monday going to Long Island, NY...traveling on the LIE is like having a root canal done. i was up and down Long Island all day selling plastic to guys like Vinny, Joey, Paulie, and Vinny's brother-Louie. it was fun actually...good people and thank God they buy tons of plastic for me..because without them, I couldn't afford this swanky web site. Monday night I had dinner at Peter Luger's Steak house...phenomenal place...very expensive and down right fantastic. I paid less money for a flatscreen tv than i did for the porterhouse. Tuesday I was back in Long Island all day but eventually stopped in Brooklyn and Queens, and eventually wound up in Manhattan. I had to be there for a tradeshow I attend each year held at the Jacob Javits Convention Center. Picture 3,200 plastics salesman from all over the world chasing down business in one large building...yeah...pathetic...I was one of them, and my feet hurt, and i was mad I was missing my son's Little league playoff game at home. Did ok with the show, but was lucky enough to hook up with some old workers from the past and guys I have worked with for years who had traveled in. Ate at some great restaurants (just what I need) and overall it wasn't too bad....just wanted to get home....finished up my last meal at the carnegie Deli, and showed an old friend where my picture was on the wall..he laughed like hell...and I told him someday if he sold alot more plastic...that he too could have his mug grace the wall of the rich and famous. Got home yesterday and man, was I glad...had to rush out and do a "plumbers association dinner" at a local restaurant, and did 30 minutes of standup following the awards ceremony....I started off with " hey, you guys are the only guys I know that can take a leak, and right afterwards fix one"...you get the drift...yeah...pretty pathetic...they laughed i got paid, had a nice dinner they gave me and was home by 9:30. Fathers Day this Sunday.....here comes another cheap tie and my kids giving me cards that my wife made them sign about 30 seconds before they hand them to me. My 11 year old actually still believe's I am the greatest father in the world, while my 14 year old would trade for some other father in town (the ones that make lots of money and give the kids whatever they ask for...) in a new york minute....in fact he thinks I'm old, slow, old fashioned, boring, and at times...downright mean. Hard to argue when I actually think about it. I always think of my Father on Fathers Day, and realize now that he's gone 12 years already...man..time moves....he was pretty tough on us and I thank God he was. He taught me lots of things by example...by really believing what he preached and then delivering it....he was perfect by no means....and I learned from his errors and short comings as well. But so many of the values that have gotten me where I am today (wherever the hell that is...) were learned through him. I hope my 2 are picking up similar things from me...time will certainly tell.

: 8th grade dinner dance
: Friday June 08, 2007
: 10:46 AM

As I wrote before, my 8th grade son will go to his big 8th grade formal dance next Friday....it's like a real big deal...he'll get all dressed up, and go to this big affair looking like Cary Grant...on my dime by the way. I can't help but think back to myself when I was in the 8th grade....first of all..we had a simple 8th grade end of year dance....not formal. When me and my buddy Bill Mandia--my next door neighbor and best friend...went to this affair...forst of all...no girls would even think about being with us. For good reason....we had cheap looking clothes...bad haircuts, no money (from my Father either...), no game whatsoever. We were very much the same..which is why we hung out every moment of the day...no girls wanted us, and if they had..I would have frozen. I had no chance of being smooth. My rap would have been...'hey...did you see those Mets last night?" So we did go to the dance and Bill actually got a date at the end...nice girl...but it was bad. Bill's sister drove me, him and her together to the dance....he sat with me in the back, and by the time we came home, she got another ride home with someone else. The whole time at the dance..we both stared at the chicks as if we might have a prayer...nobody danced with us. We ate cheap food and talked about how much we liked this one and that one, while those same girls looked at us and laughed thinking how they wouldn't dance with us if we could promise them a retirement home on the Cape............ I remember it well...I was pathetic. My son...he's like Sinatra this kid...the threads, wears the cologne..the money in his pocket. He just looks a lot better than I did then...come to think of it..he looks better than I did when i got married. The girl he is going with is a nice kid...met her during his game last week..he plays baseball for his school team, and she was there watching him play 2nd base...I asked her why she would have any remote interest in him...she said "he's cool..and funny" I told her at our house in which he resides in..he is thought of anything but 'cool", and the only funny thing he has showed me in 14 years is when he attempts to tell me his homework is complete. Oh well..I warned her.....my father used to laugh at any girl that dated me, and would ask them if they would like to hear any true stories about me that might lead them to other dating options...they always said politely.."No thank you"...thank God..because he really knew what a zero I was, and quite honestly....they didn't. he always had fun on my behalf..and to be honest..I miss him since he died 10 years ago because of that. he really enjoyed seeing me attmept to grow up...he got a kick out of my social development because he came from a NYC neighborhood and saw me grow up in such a nicer environment..it was funny to him. Now I see my sons going thru the same thing, and they have it much better than even I had it...it is funny as hell. they really have it made...my father must be looking down in disbelief in all this...I know I'm enjoying it. I will write of course with a follow-up to the kid's big evening.....I can only pray he showers that day.

: 8th grade dinner dance
: Friday June 08, 2007
: 10:46 AM

: End of school year
: Monday June 04, 2007
: 09:30 AM

Memorial Day is over and July 4th is coming soon. The kids will be out of school in like 2 1/2 weeks and again I will be faced with them hanging around the house and disturbing my afternoon naps......Oh well...I will attempt my best to keep them outside and staying away from my home office (couch). The two of them will play baseball all summer and begin football on August 1st which will take them right into the school year. My oldest son is now 14 and will be attending his 8th grade formal dance in a week. This is a big event in the is little mayberry of a town, and apparrently he has a date and is ready to go. He won't tell me who she is, but his buddies squeal like pigs.....he is always afraid that I would tease and and degrade him him if i knew who the unlucky girl was....he is actually right..I would do that come to think of it. She is a very sweet, pretty girl., so I can only wish her the best going to a dance with a kid that still doesn't know how to turn off his bedroom light and put a toothpaste cap back on...........The chicks at school apparrently think he is a real "catch" which makes my wife and I laugh like hell. When I was in the 8th grade, chicks thought I had about as much personality and looks as a used brillo pad. Oh well...thank God Iv'e really picked that part of my game up..... As for my little guy...he's still playing Little league and really has no clue to the chicks...he will be 12 in August and football is his game, so he is excited that's back soon. Paris Hilton checked into prison yesterday I just heard.....it won't be the Hilton...more like a Super 8 with a real cheap bathroom. How is this poor kid going to deal without the martinis at 5:00 and all the men? This is so unfairt to this poor girl....at least let her date...she's in her prime years! maybe the prison guards will take her to dinner...who knows? I did a comedy show this past weekend at an Elks Club in Connecticut....man...what a classy career I have. I was performing under some poor deer's 12 pt. rack....little different...always wondered what they did with the rest of the body...They had 160 ppl there and all seemed to enjoy....did about 40 mins.....Chris Symington opened up for me..he did about 20 mins. The room was tired and not in great mood.....show startee about hour and a half late....all checking their watches by the time I started...that's show biz....

: Mothers Day
: Friday May 11, 2007
: 02:28 PM

Mothers Day is here this Sunday....pretty special day. Mothers Day somehow ranks a lot higher than say...Fathers Day...and it should. I had a tremendous Mother....she passed away about 5 years ago from an aggressive cancer and she suffered terribly. She always did everything for me, my brother, and my sister. That was alot, by tthe way...because we needed lots of attention, you know...food, clothes, all of our little tedious , selfish little things that all kids need. But she always did it, she couldn't possibly have enjoyed it, but always did it. My wife is the same way to our kids....whatever it is, she is always there. She is fantastic at this thankless job. There is no training for this job that I know of. This is where men are different. Fathers Day is a cute way of saying...."hey...we better give these idiots something too". And of course...Hallmark makes money on it. Not to say we are not good Fathers...I think for the most part...men do a good job...I hope I am seen that way. But there is nothing quite as sacred as the mother and all that she brings to the children. I mean....sure,...my wife would be terrible at teaching my oldest son how to turn a double play on his school's baseball team. She's not to good at explaining to them what is about girls that makes them so crazy........come to think of it...I'm not doing that well in this area either. Somehow, the women do a great job with such thankless, unglorified tasks as washing the dirty uniforms for each game, feeding these little rug rats all the meals, going over the homework, and taking them clothes shopping for the beginning of the schoolyear...things I would really be bad at, and hate. I'm only good at a few things really when you get right down to it.....yelling and threatening them with their life at anything they do, throwing the ball around with them, entertaining them, telling them to do outdoor chores, forcing them to get out of bed to get to Church on time, teaching them the importance of being NY Met and NY Giant fans, and the utmost importance to never be like me if they can ever help it. Mothers Day is special....hopefully we will all do the right thing, and make sure we show that.

: Talent Show
: Friday May 04, 2007
: 11:21 AM

This saturday night I will be hosting a community talent show in my hometown in Connecticut. It's a nice event and usually fills the high school auditorium, and will present about 40 or so acts, all done by people in the town, most of which are kids less than 17 years old, and lasts around 3 hours. it's tough to host it, because i have to introduce all 40 acts, while trying to be funny in between each one, and doing my own stand-up act at the end. there is only one possitive thing...it only costs $ 5.00 and the kids are really cute doing their thing.......watching me for this long must be like watching Rosie O'Donnell at a buffet than listening to her complain about the selection. I mean...even I am getting tired of myself up there....and it's tough on my back...after all..I am 47...I'm not a kid anymore. The kids really do a great job and will perform such things as singing, juggling acts, dance routines, musical instruments,etc. Each act is 3 minutes long, and each one seems like 45..........especially during the second half of the show. I had a gig at a club in Hartford scheduled in the books that was paying me a good fee, but cancelled when I was asked again to do this...I enjoy it...my family goes, a lot of the kids involved I know, and actually get a kick out of it. I usually throw a few bits toward my own kids because all the kids in the audience can relate, and then they all bust my kids chops, which is good, because I feel that will hopefully keep them grounded. After about the third routine, I tend to feel like a cheap tv host running an underbudgeted telethon. I actually introduce acts by saying things like.."Ok folks, your next act is little Johhnny Anderson, who is 8, and will now spin a couple of plates on his head, to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!!!!!!! "...I mean...things like that....seriously...it's tough, but you know...the kids love it. I never knew i could be such a hack that i'd be doing stuff like this, but hey...it helps out the town....Someday when I make it big, I will laugh at the idea of doing such a low grade gig, while working instead at such places as coffee houses, and Rotary meetings..........

: Little League
: Tuesday May 01, 2007
: 01:37 PM

Little League has started in my town, and I only have one son left as the other guy has been playing on the school team and next year will be in high school. My 11 year old is playing and this is the first year in like 7 years that I'm not coaching one of my sons. it's weird being on the sidelines, but other than missing working with the kids, I'm really enjoying being able to just watch the kids play without any stresses. it's funny as hell, because now I get to join the other parents who all these years were screaming at me...and say things like.."is this coach crazy? why isn't my kid batting cleanup?" things like that....also such fun things as yelling obnoxious things at umnpires from a distance is fun...so is answering an incoming cell phone....going out to my car and grabbing a soda........screaming at the opposing coaches for being rat finks. My son resembles a fullback from the University of Oklahoma....very thick and a head like an anvil. he hits them long and deep and has an apetite like Rosie o'Donnell's.........he's more of a football player, but he's doing well and enjoying himself...plays 1st base, bats cleanup, and pitches some as well. Little league is funny...you want your kid to do so well, but the experience of the failures is so important. The kids get down on themselves so much...so much peer pressure...and of course me screaming..'What are you some kind of woman?" doesn't help either....but they all do well in the end, and honestly...every kid should at least try baseball...it's America's game.....once you get past video games. When I was a kid in little league, I wasn't as competetive as my 2..i remember going 0-3 and playing right field with a couple of errors, one of which cost us the game, and when it ended I asked my father (who was ashamed and embarassed by me)"What's for dinner at home tonight?"..because to be honest....I really didn't give a crap. I enjoyed my Little league coaching days, but am glad I have ended that career....my 7 year record was something like 11-98. I may be exxagerating a bit..I may have had only 9 wins...I forget. I never cared about the wins vs the losses...I really never did. I always had fun, and stressed other basic values than the winning and never 'coddled" the superstars and actually did very little with them, and spent more time with the kids that were like me during my little league career. There is something about watching the short, fat, slow, fat kid make that catch in right field that ends an inning...vs the superstar that cracks a homer....I don;t know....I will miss the expressions , both possitive and dissapointed ones of these kids as they played their hearts out....and the parents who would come to me and ask things like.."Mr. McElhone...why isn't my kid pitching?"...and I'd answer with things like...'because he cant' reach home plate'...things like that.......or.."why doesn;t my kid get to steal any bases?'....."because he has a worse physical body than mine..that's why"...or...."Hey Coach...would you like me to be one of your assistants? I played some college ball you know.."...and I came back with..."I'd love you too...except the distinct odor of Wild Turkey will have to go...the kids get confused.

: Long absence
: Friday April 27, 2007
: 11:32 AM

I know, I know....I have been told by many people how long I have been off the blog here ( 2 ppl), so here I am! i have been very busy between following the Anna Nicole Smith paternity suit, to the weather changing, to my NY Mets being in first place to the Don Imus firing....so much..I just can't handle it. Spring is here thank God, and looks like we are finally getting some decent weather, which of course means good things like barbecues, beer, outdoor cigar smoking, and throwing the kids outside. My 2 are playing baseball and staying active....oh yeah...I also herniated a disc in my neck...my doctor thinks it's from walking around all my life staring at the sidewalk hoping to find a quarter. I am put in traction 3 X a week, which is a machine that stretches my fat skull, enabling my spinal cord to stretch out and have the disc go back in. So far it's working, but I am now 6 ft 8 inches tall and ducking in and out of my Pinto Hatchback. I'm still doing my spinning class, and have lost like 28 LBS and look like a cross between Ernest Borgnine and Richard Simmons............Imus got fired and Rev Al Sharpton wins a victory---yeah real racial victory for Sharpton....Imus is an idiot and looks like he belongs back in a detox specializing in treatment for crazed old men, but sharpton is such an obvious bigot--as if he's be there to defend any other race but his own...all these people make me sick...I wish Imus and Sharpton could both get a place to live together for the next 10 years.........Rosie O'Donnel rsigned from the View??? hahahah...would she please just go far, far, away??? God Almighty this is one obnoxious and ignorant human being....She's still a Millionaire and i'm working at a coffee house this weekend. I recently worked at the Danbury Treehouse Comedy Club....I opened up for Dom Irerra, who is just one of the best damn acts in the country...we had a great night and a full house too...great seeing so many old high school friends....whenever I perform back in hometown and see all my old high school classmates, I always see them looking at me before and after the show with a face that says..."What the hell is this guy doing with his life? he's like 47 and doing this bullshit?" The women especially are saying "My husband is a normal man and earns a very high income and we have a very big house with an Acura SUV" They all think I do this stand-up deal full time and this is my real income...I love it.. I never do anything to correct that or tell them what I actually do....this is o much more fun. I turn 47 years old on April 30th...Monday..unreal..seems like only yesterday I was 46. I can't believe I'm almost 47 and I still occassionally throw small objects at my brother and try to hit him in the testicles in the hopes of injuring him and getting laughs from the those around him.....I still wake up sometimes and say..." I wonder what i will become when I'm older".....I still make out with my wife like I'm at a cheap drive-in and grab whatever I can in case someone walks in and breaks up the action..........I still talk to old high school buddies on a daily basis about things like ---old high school stories, women we enjoy watching on television, sports nonsense, how fat and slow I have become, how much hair I have lost, and other sophmoric topics-----but never discuss things like savings accounts, retirement, children's academics, or career moves...............Oh well..anyway..Monday I will be 47, and that night my 11 year old has a Little League game. if he loses and shames me, I will not allow him to have any of my birthday cake which will be at home waiting after....my older son wll get some because he went 1-3 with 2 runs scored on his middle school game yesterday for me. That's the way it works...as for my wife...well...she is always good to me..must admit...she can have some cake...after all...she's been with me since I turned 24.

: Opening for Dom Irrera
: Monday March 12, 2007
: 06:35 AM

I will be working with Dom Irrera--one of the best stand-up comics in the business in Danbury, CT on March 22nd-Thursday night. Just he and i on the ticket, and it will be at the Danbury Treehouse Comedy Club, located at the New Sorrento restaurant. Tickets are selling quickly, and it promises to be a hell of a show. Irrera has been doing his thing since the late 70's, and has done it all including Johnny Carson, Letterman, HBO specials, Comedian of the Year Awards, Seinfeld sitcom regular, currently King of Queens regular, and famous for coining the beautiful phrase..'badda bing, badda boom" Very ethnic...italian neighborhhood act...excellent. You all will know the face, if not the whole act. I'm looking forward to it...considering my most famous line that i coined was " What do you mean wer'e not getting paid for this show?" it promises to be fun...especially for me. I have always enjoyed working with the acts that have truly done it all...and this guy truly has. He is hilarious and all that he does really hits home with everyone. Get your tix soon if interested, as the show is really selling quickly--despite being a weeknight. Drop me a note if you expect to go...will do what I can to help get you seating.

: Snow Days
: Monday February 26, 2007
: 09:59 AM

Since when did an inch of snow on the ground force a school cancellation in a New England state like Connecticut??? I mean..I know we have become soft as a society....Bike helmets, Al Gore winning an Oscar, me driving a Cadillac, my two sons actually playing football...but this is ridiculous. We actually have an inch of snow and no more...and the kids get the whole day off! Not a delay...school is cancelled. The towns are so afraid, it's amazing. what can happen? The shoes on their little feet might get a little wet? The buses have no issues...the roads are clear. The biggest problem of course is...now they are home with me! I have to listen to my two spoiled kids complain about...being bored....having nothing to do....trying to find their gloves....needing a meal....rummaging through my humidor looking to swipe one of my cigars....things like this. Not to mention..my wife is home too, because, she is a teacher of course.....she is bored too. She will say all kinds of things to me today while I work at my home office....such things as...."is this all you do all day while I'm working"........"why are you tsaking a nap on the couch at 12:00 noon?"...."Do you always pour yourself a Manhattan at 3:00"......... What I really hate too is that the town goes berserk when hearing of "potential' snow amounts....the day before the snow arrives..(keep in mind..it was an entire inch worth)...i stop in Stp and Shop, and the place is packed with lunatics...buying such necessities as water, milk, eggs, bread, cigarettes, booze, and Viagra. people are nervous when the supposed snow comes..it's as if they feel they will be truly 'snowed in'..like the driveway will be closed in and no roads are done...truly living like Robinson Carusoe.......kind of like the Shining......only without the Jack Nicholson character. It's hilarious....people panic so much, it makes me laugh. Oh well....enjoy the snow day, and take a look out the window...because it will be gone by about 11:00 am.......I have to go...my kids need attention.....God...they are annoying.

: Ana Nicole Smith
: Monday February 19, 2007
: 04:06 PM

This Anna Nicole thing is beginning to wear on me...I mean..sure I feel bad like anyone does that this pathetic woman died, and had such a sad life. i do feel bad..I mean her son who was 20 just died of some sad thing like 3 months ago, and she just had a baby as well. But have you seen how many people are coming out of the woodwork claiming to be the father to the baby--thus, lining them up for the millions she had herself attached to from marrying that 97 year old geezer 5 years ago???? he died eventually too of course (no kidding)...she swindled herself like 80 Million from marrying that old goat...I thought it was hilarious she beat out Grandpa's greedy kid, who out of nowhere came into the courtroom demanding Anna Nicole not get it....I was on her side to tell you the truth,...hey..at least she had a hell of a body...what the hell did the son have besides not enough of Dad's money??? The whole thing is pathetic...I think there are now 7 guys claiming to be the father...and by the way...they are all possible...because I'll bet each and everyone of them were breathing heavy in her ear in the last 2 months.....even Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband...don't even ask how that can be, but it's true...I think everybody except me and Michael Jackson are suspects....and I don't have to tell you why Jackson isn't one......Anna Nicole always apparrently wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe...the sad part is that besides having her talent..she was probably pretty close...a pinup model, a body that sold her, she dated most of Hollywood, and died a sad, drugged death. Oh well...who is next, Brittany Spears? Seems this kid is on track to follow in the typical Hollywood style.....shaving her head....rehab stints, having kids for the hell of it, a career that came and went fast, what is next for brittany? dating Zsa Zsa's hubby? Who the hell is dating Zsa Zsa--that's what I want to know...........

: Brookfield Night Out-Comedy Show at Polish American Club
: Thursday February 15, 2007
: 02:33 PM

I just had a wild weekend...spent Friday night wirh old friends from my high school and we tipped a few and had some laughs....I have written of these sophmoric adventures before, and they still continue....i think mostly because we can't handle the fact that we are old and women have about as much interest in us as they did in 1977.I met up at widow browns-our old watering hole....with such dignitaries as K.C.Grouse, John Hyland, Burt Yanik, Mark Hartney, and a bunch of girls too, who had to be embarassed just being with us....Sandy Pomeroy, Cathy Iannone, and others....By the way--both Hartney and Yanik actually flew in for the event....can you imagine your social life being that desperate? we drank alot, had some laughs, wound up the night at the diner, clogged our arteries, yanik hit on a 56 year old waitress---struck out, and we went home. The next night was the clincher....i had a show at a Polish American club in Connecticut...me and two other guys who actually drank more before getting on stage than the Polish guy who worked in the Kitchen...this even t was so hilarious it was a shame we didn't film it...My wife was there along with my brother, sister, and about 20 people who came from my hometown in Connecticut....boy were they impressed...the entire room had an entire IQ of about 16.....the alchoholism alone was enough to host an AA meeting.........the drinks were so cheap....I bought 6 rounds--gave the bartender a $10 bill and got change back.........Just above the stage was a mantle which proudly displayed all the bowling titeles this particular club had won over other Polish bowling clubs...I mean..come on...please.........it was hilarious. The bathroom was smaller than the one I was just in on a commuter flight from Charlotte to Myrtle Beach. The other 2 comedians were truly hammered, and the first one almost fell off the stage into a table....as my brother said after the show..."What was unreal, that out of all 3 comics...I was the sober one..." The funny thing was that me and another comedian did so well, that the Mayor of Derby, CT #1 Assistant was there, liked us and booked us for an upcoming fundraiser for the mayor this coming spring.............My 18 year old nephew was there too..the football star going to Boston College on a 4 year scholarship...I can imagine how impressed he was with his Uncle and Godfather doing jokes to a crowd that basically had no teeth and suffering with liver disease. Oh well....that's show biz as they say..or at least it is if you have the career I do........My wife was real proud too...goes without saying..........The crowd loved the show though, because the laughs were non-stop..I have to admit. if ever the CT State Police wanted to set up a DUI trap....how much nicer could they have planned than right outside the Polish Club? Thank God my wife drove and brought 3 of my idiot friends home too.........and on that note....another show in wethersfield, CT this sat night.....God help me.......

: Casinos-Comedy Schedule
: Friday February 09, 2007
: 09:59 AM

I have been to some casinos of late...doing some shows, etc...including the Tropicana in Atlantic City and Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut. These places are really so similar..the culture itself, and the lifestyles of these people. Just yesterday...Anna Nicole Smith died in a hotel/casino in Florida. I'll tell you something....it's not shocking that someone 39 can die easily in one of these places.....ever think how many people have died in hotel /casinos? Anna Nicole as of late...Elvis....and a cheap dummy act I opened for about 4 years agon in Reno. Casinos are not healthy....you know what I mean? if giving your money away enough isn't dangerous to your health...how about the smoking, the boozing, the prostitution, and the buffet lines? I'm actually shocked more people aren't dying in these places to be honest. I have spent some decent time in these fine establishments as of late, and I know this much...they are all the same...and they attract the same kind of people....For one thing...I beleive that gambling is nothing more than a tax on the stupid....I hope that doesn't insult anyone...but let's be honest....all these idiots go to the casinos thinking they will win.....they should all read the financial statements of these operations to see just how profitable they are....Even the thieves at Exxon and other oil companies make more money. You will not win!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe a hand or two..yes...but you won't 'really win' How about the people at the blackjack tables? Ever look at these depressed people? I've seen more life in a bingo hall. Everyone is ready to hang themselves...most of them have been awake since last Thursday....they have a cigarette burning next to them, the waitress is bringing them a scotch and water, and there is always the one guy everybody hates because he doesn't do the right thing when he has '14' showing....that hated person would be me....The dealers are funny too...they always show you both sides of their hands before taking over for the other dealer....as if to show you they washed their hands a minute ago in the mens room...they deal very quickly...they hate their jobs (what a shock) and they hae any comments any miserable drunk gives them as a result of losing his mortgage. The cocktail waitresses usually average about 46 years of age, and are wearing outfits that only a 23 year old with a great body should try on...they bring you the free drinks, so you can handicap yourself even more against the dealer and lose more of your 401K........They hate their jobs too and drunks occassionally throw them a dollar chip if they are winning...which is rare. When you throw a $100 bill up on the table...the dealer has to let the "pit boss' know..he inspects the bill, ok's it, and the dealer gives you the chips...That $100 bill was in a Pequots hands in about 18 minutes the other night...I'm always thinking they are watching me lose on those surveillance cameras upstairs laughing at what a horses ass I am trying to compete in agame which nobody wins............ Ever just go to the regular bar/lounge at a casino? Hilarious...there you see both types...those that have won for the moment (ecstatic...confident, and buying drinks for the group) and those that have lost (those sipping a cheap beer with a face that looks like he just got gonged from Simon on American Idol) But my favorite part of the "Casino culture" is that of the rich old coot out on the town with a 26 year old blonde bombshell that resembles Pamela Anderson, while he looks like George Burns on Viagra.........Ever see this one? Usually seen in Vegas...this phenomenon is beautiful.....A guy is like 78---looks rich...the clothes, the Rolex, the Blazer....the confident walk as he walks with an expensive cane....and this beautiful babe hanging on his arm as they walk out of the Palm Steakhose and walk towards the Poker tables....You always wonder....how long have they been dating? God, it's amazing how much she seems to really be in love with this old goat....You would think she'd be dating a much younger man...wonder what it is about him that makes her so crazy about him? Could it be his personality....his recent bout of the gout? the way he uses his walker? The wrinkled body? The little old man look? The grandfatherly way he has to go to the bathroom every 12 minutes? I can never figure it out.........anyway....to me it's funny...because where I grew up...guys like him were on Geritol, sleeping at 7;00 for the night, and were taking their grandkids for a walk at the local park. 2 shows this weekend Tonight a private party for a company in Connecticut........... Sat night....a great show being held at a Polish American Club...oh God..imagine the cheap yuks already.....which should be dangerous. what a career....

: Been awhile..........
: Sunday January 21, 2007
: 10:41 AM

i worked a number of rooms this past week, and a fellow comic...Doug Plourd, reminded me that I haven't written one of these stupid things in awhile...so here it is. I was in Delaware last sunday night doing a college....me and Chris Symington.......we had to drive to Delaware together, which took about 4 1/2 hours....plenty of time to talk about just how miserable and lousy both of our comedy careers are. He is 27 and I'm 46....He has long hair, wears faded jeans with holes in them, a denim jacket, and a tee shirt that says something like..."Def Leopard rocks". i amwearing a outfit that looks like I'm about to give a presentation on "why plastics can solve your needs". Given that we were going to do an act for freshman and sophmore college kids....take a guess who scored better. Anyway...we did ok..got done and then me and him went to a local bar....I left at 11"00 and went back to the hotel...he stayed out past 2;00 am and was doing his impression of Bill clinton on Spring Break...I warned him not to bring any of these babes back to the room, as I needed my sleep for the next day and had to sell plastics in the morning.....I woke up and he did as I asked, got him to the train station, and I went out and sold polycarbonate tubing to a plastics distributor.... This past Thursday I was at a place in West Hartford, CT, which was ok, and then Friday night I was at a "billiards bar' in a town in Connecticut called "Ellington" which has the population of like...12.....the crowd was sparse, a bit rowdy, and had people playing pool and the TV's were on while you did your act.....it was funny actually...I have become numb to all this....the two guys I worked with were real good and good guys too....Doug Plourd, and Desi Walker..........we had fun, and most important of all..we got paid I woke up the next morning (Sat am), and went to my church to teach my CCD class....which I do every sat morning.....a class of 12 11 year olds, including my son, and talked abit how tired I was given i was traveling all week, and that I had just done 2 shows in a row, and hadn't slept much. The kids are hilarious..because they find it so funny of course--that they have a CCD teacher that does stand-up comedy...I mean..it is a bit strange...I know. They always ask me..."Mr. McElhone...will you do your act for us right now" I always say something like...." if you want me to return as your teacher...you will never again think of such an insane thing again" I am heavilly booked right now...all the way through March...i will be doing such things as The Treehouse Comedy Club several times coming up, a Synagogue in Hartford, CT, some other misc clubs, and a couple of private functions for companies and fundraising events..... Check out the schedule.....maybe we could hook up if you want to check it out....let me know.......see you soon/

: Saddam Huessein
: Tuesday January 02, 2007
: 05:03 PM

Did I spell Saddam's name right? For those that laugh at my spelling on this silly blog of mine..I sincerely apologize if I didn't spell his name correctly...........(No..i don't go over this nonsense twice to check for mistakes..) Did everybody watch the video? I think he was executed on New Years Eve or something....I went from watching him with a noose around his neck to watching Dick Clark....what a crazy world. How about that footage though? I was very impressed that his hair was so nicely combed....it says alot about a man that goes to his own hanging with his hair neatly brushed and a nice black overcoat on.If I didn't realize he gassed thousands of innocent people, tortured women, ordered hundreds of rapes, and other sick events...I'd a called him a gentleman looking at how he approached the gallows....I even love the word..."gallow"...Did you see the size of that noose???????? Iv'e lowered pianos through windows that didn't have rope that thick. what did you think of the hooded executioners? Really made it look like we were looking at a scene from the middle ages, didn't it? Saddam is looking at these guys with the hoods like.."Dad....is that you?" I even love how Saddam didn't want a hood for himself....funny...because I too am afraid of the dark. The whole thing is really brutal of course and violent.....really was strange to watch.....but what else would we expect the Iraqi's to do with him? I mean he killed so many of their people...they just wanted to be done with him and make him pay...if he was being held in America...we know he would have been let go and living in Phoenix. If I was him.....I would have at least tried a scene from like..a James Bond film....like just as the hooded gentleman said..."Good day Mr. Huessein..."and was about to pull the lever, allowing the floor to remove itself....I would do a flip in the air, kicking the hooded guy in the head, and undoing my wrists from the rope, then swinging on the rope itself-landing in a sports car that would be waiting fro me below...and speeding off with some beautiful blonde with a martini in my hand....and my hair unmessed. But for whatever reason....he didn't do that. Oh well..the hell with him...he deserved at least what he got..plus some torture as well. Does his death change our situation there at all? Hardly....it's as ugly as ever....oh well...there is a God somewhere taking care of him right now........as for me.....I;m trying to get past this Holiday stuff and just get back out again to sell some plastics...........

: New Years Eve
: Wednesday December 27, 2006
: 09:40 AM

Christmas is over and New Years is the next thing on the calendar. it's funny how different New years is today at the age of 46, versus when I was a young buck at 18. This New years i will be at a friends house having a dinner in his home with a few friends, etc, and I will be home long before the ball falls from Times Square in NYC. ususally...my wife and 2 kids just go out and grab some Chinese food or something together. But remember back in the day??????????????? When I was like 18 or whatever growing up in Brookfield, CT..we raised some hell on that night (and a few others as well). For some reason..we were under the opinion that we all had to behave like Sinatra and Dino on a night out in Vegas while performing at the Tropicana. Unfortunately for us guys...we had no money...so we couldn't quite pull off the Rat Pack routine...but we tried our best by drinking as much as possible, and asking any and every girl if they wanted a drive home from us at the end of the night....here was the problem though...we arrived a the local New Years Eve party in a 1976 Pinto Hatchback...all 5 of us....including a case of Miller High Life beer (bottles) in the back of the wagon. The vehicle did have a 8 track system, and some of the tapes lying on the floor of the car were....Jethro Tull--Songs from the Wood, Frampton Comes Alive, other assorted 1978 classics.........when we went into the keg party, we were already half way there, and it was only 8:30..........Somehow we knew we had to last till midnight, just in case that one girl that you were crazy about might actually kiss you as the midnight moment arrived...remember this? it was exciting..you actually had a chance of kissing some girl there, that in 'real life', would barely acknowledge you in the hallway the following Monday. We did our best, but we usually failed miserably...especially me. We would ask some girls if 'they needed a lift home or anything"....with the hopes they would actually be interested enough to come...the reality was none of should have been operating a can opener, let alone a motor vehicle. These girls would never be that stupid to endanger their lives in such a way. On few occassions during the New Years Eve parties...I actually was able to pull off enticing a girl to come outside the house and fool around a little bit.....it was always awkward, mostly because I always asking myself.."What the hell is wrong with this girl to be out here with me?' The other thing I hated was that it was always about 17 degrees on those nights. Another thing that was tough was that I knew that once my girlfriend- who was never allowed to be at such wild parties (she was a good Catholic girl) found out about me...I was a dead man. She would actually be calling my house the next day by say around...9:00...asking me..."Vinny...why were you making out with so and so during that party last night?"....I would answer with something creative and genius like..." I wasn't....whoever told you that was drunk obviously, and was mistaking me for someone else".......I never pulled it off....but I was trying....My head was pounding as well, which disabled me from being truly crafty or spontaneous. Then she would ask things like..."Why couldn't you have stayed home with me at my house instead of going out with those friends of yours to that wild party?'...Something like that....and I answered with something like..."I wanted to stay home and be with you, but my friends were calling me "fag" and things if I didn't change my mind and go with them." I was actually trying to have her believe that I buckled under peer pressure from these chowderheads I hung out with....when in reality...it was me that organized the entire event. Oh well...enough on this....be safe on New Years....and I must admit, it's a lot easier doing New Years today than it was then...I just don't think I have the energy to pull those nights off again..........

: Christmas party
: Tuesday December 19, 2006
: 09:21 AM

I had a hell of a Christmas party the other night.....bunch of friends in town...about 40...all came over and we wooped it up pretty good. It was the perfect party as everybody who came blew off some Holiday stress, ate well, drank even better, laughed like crazy, listened to some Christmas music, and in the end, nobody injured themselves or anything. We had all kinds of people there who were school teachers,Engineers, school principals,a Pediatrician,couple of Accountants, Business execs, to House painters..........everyone you can imagine....plenty of laughs and good times by all....To be honest...untill that party it just didn't seem like Christmas time, with the warm weather and whatever...but that party got all of us into it I hope...it defenitely worked for me... My wife did all the key work of course--getting the house ready and putting all the holiday details together, and I did all the grunt work to put all her plans together...being a teacher herself, she knows how to 'put a room together'...........but it really came together well. My nephew was the bartender and he did a great job...especially considering he had no idea what the hell he was doing. When somebody ordered a "Vodka and soda"..he was asking.."what kind..Coke or 7-Up?" but he did well and took care of everyone great...Even my accountant came up to the party from Philly....hadn't seen him in awhile, so he made the drive up, stayed overnight, and when he left I gave him a handful of receipts to bring back with him and 'write off'.... Now we are less than a week from Christmas, and all the stress will soon be over and we will all be eating turkey or whatever..watching football...and I will be staring at the three beautiful pairs of socks that I wiil get for Christmas-saying to myself.."What have I done so well at, to deserve all this?"............... We are going to our time share in NYC this Friday which we always do at Christmas which is always great...we will see the tree , spend time in Central Park...hit some stores last minute for some oddball stuff that you only see in the city, and grab a good meal somewhere..........we'll probably walk over 15 miles...just checking things out....then we come home Saturday afternoon....and basically we are looking at Christmas Eve..........I'll have to clean out the chimney, because it's a bit dirty and Santa will get his suit all messed up....then...the big day.......the kids are excited....gotta run. Merry Christmas

: My Nephew-Danny Mulrooney
: Monday December 04, 2006
: 11:16 AM

My nephew this past Saturday played in his second Connecticut State Championship Title Game...he got the win this time, and avenged last years title game loss...ironically against my old high school where I played..Brookfield High School. My nephew's school is Holy Cross-Waterbury, CT, and they defeated Stratford, CT by the score of 40-0, sort of showing the oppposing team they deserved the title. My nephew had what some would call an "OK game"...He scored 4 touchdowns and ran for 353 yards....possibly a state of Connecticut record. Oh yeah....he actually scored 5 touchdowns...but his 92 yard score was called back because of a holding penalty.....or he would have been close to 500 yards on the ground. This kid is naturally All-State, All-City, All-league, etc...and has been given a 4 year full ride scholarship to Boston College where he will attend next year. He is without question the best football player in the state..He runs a 4.4 / 40 yard dash, lifts over 400 lbs, and has a vertical leap of 39 inches....He goes 6 ft 2 and weighs 200 Lbs. When I think back to how muuch this kid has accomplished on the football field at 17, versus myself at that age..I laugh...me and my brother watch him play..shake our heads and laugh....it's like watching a man play among boys. By the way he is an honor roll student, teaches CCD at his church, and doesn't do what I did following the games...if you know what I mean. He scored like..40 td's this season, and ever since he has been playing and scoring and averaging like 4td's a game...he still scores in the end zone, and runs to the referee and hands the ball to him so the man doesn't have to go get the dropped ball, etc and hustle back to the field.... He has a brother....Patrick Mulrooney that also excelled at the same high school, and was a 2 year Captain there and all-league as well, that just finished his last year of playing football at Union College in Schenectady, NY, and will graduate this Spring. He was a Captain this past season for his team and was also named All-Conference. He excelled in the classroom as well and may be attending Law School next year. I hope my 2 sons can produce half of the talent that these two Nephew's of mine have...these are two excellent kids that have lived life and will continue to excell at whatever they take on....they do it with class and always act like gentlemen. Two great examples for not only my 2 kids, but all kids who want to work hard and achieve anything. For any football fans out there...watch the name..Dan Mulrooney..or google it right now for that matter...they have plenty on him...but watch this kid at Boston College.....according to the experts....he's just getting warmed up.

: Thanksgiving- Christmas Season
: Saturday December 02, 2006
: 10:48 AM

Thanksgiving is behind us and i'm real sorry i haven't kept this blog busy....I have been so busy trying to digest the food i have been eating I've been a bit busy. We had a great meal at my sisters house after watching my nephew play his football game for Holy Cross-Waterbury...the kid scored 4 touchdowns--an average day for him...and then we came home and ate like Roseanne Barr at a Chinese buffet line...........Since then the Christmas songs have begun on the radio, the television ads on TV are making me think of my credit card bills, and they have already broadcast "Charlie Brown Christmas", even before it was December 1st. This Christmas thing is something....just now i came back from CCD (yeah..it's bizarre..I am a CCD teacher), and I took my class of kids...6th graders...to Church so they could attend Confession. The poor kids are all freaking out as to what to say...a few of them asked me.."Mr. McElhone..I can't think of any sins to tell.."..I said to them.."How about starting off with the terrible behavior while sitting in the church waiting to tell your sins?" These poor kids don't even know any better....they treat the Church as disrespectfully as they would sitting in these classrooms they are in during the school weeek....They really don't know though.....they think it's ok to laugh, hit the kid in front of him, stand up and talk to other kids, laugh like crazy, etc......My son Brendan is in my class..he doesn't dare do these things...not because he is any different than the rest...he knows how painful it is to have a pair of metal shackles around his ankles and being tied to a post in the basement can be.....plus...he likes to eat....so he chooses to behave accordingly. Funny...when I was a kid, i did the same thing.Hmmmmm We will be buying our christmas tree tommorow..this is always a fun event...all of us at the tree farm...me with a cheap saw with a dull blade looking for the perfect tree....We always get a Douglass Fir....I used to sell Christmas trees during Christmas break in college...to me...they were the best tree....I will probably pay somewhere in the range of $40.00......throw it inside the station wagon, drive home and decorate it. I just returned last night from being on the road since Monday morning....I did 4 straight hotel nights and graced such beautiful spots as Scranton, PA, Allentown, PA, Reading, PA,and Gettysburg, PA----on to Baltimore, MD, Wilmington and Dover, DE, and eventually to Princeton and South Brunswick, NJ. I was selling plastic like Cosmo Kramer screwing up a show biz career.............Now I'm back home...relaxing....and off to see my Nephew play in his final high school game before going off to his Boston College career next season...he's playing in a State title Championship today, which his final High school game. Looking forward to it...this kid has really had one hell of a football career. (Unlike mine...)

: CT High School Football Championship Game
: Friday November 17, 2006
: 09:39 AM

My nephew --Dan Mulrooney is a hell of a football player. He plays for Holy Cross HS, in Waterbury, CT. This is his second season as the first team All-State selection Tailback for the State of CT. He has been given a 4 year Full ride--Boston College Football scholarship....I will be seeing this nephew and godson of mine play next year at such football houses as Notre Dame, Florida State, and Miami, among many others. He will be on National TV each week as well. His team lostlast night to a team from Ansonia, CT...one of the oldest football powerhouses in the state....28-13. it was a rain...wind...driven game, with approx 2,000 people in attendence. We were all there to watch of course....this kid had a hello f a game in a losing cause..he scored both TD's for his team...naturally. He comes from a football family...his fathers side all played...as well as my family (me and my brother), and his brother is the Senior Captain of his Union College football team as well......... Despite his success on the gridiron..he has integrity and passion alive and fresh...this is what I am most impressed with. He is going to be in the big time next year...a far cry from playing high school ball in CT.....I hope he does well of course...but I hope he can keep all the other things together as well. None of us that played before him ever had a chance at the "big game", like he will, and to be honest....I just want the kid to get his education...paid for, and move on in life, without the sort of injuries I went through despite playing at a smaller level. Very exciting though,and if you live in Connecticut...you have read and will be reading his name in the newspapers for several years to come.............Dan Mulrooney

: Last night's show....
: Thursday November 16, 2006
: 08:52 AM

Last night I emceed a "open mike' type show in Danbury, CT at the Treehouse Comedy Club. It was a fun show and man, did it bring back memories. I have been working for Brad Axlerod who is the booking agent and owner of Treehouse Comedy Productions for 13 years....when I started out in 1993, I used to do his open mike night at his club in Norwalk, CT every Wed night. He might give you 5....maybe 7 minutes to work on stuff....usually it would stink....you wouldn't get paid...and I had to drive each way about an hour on a weeknight just to get some "time"..........He asked me a month ago or so if I would do the same kind of show he is now doing in Danbury, and be the "paid act" that sort of runs the show, bringing these guys up and doing time in between. These newcomers were prety good to be honest...they showed so many of the things I used to do when I was doing these shows starting out..the long pauses, the dirtier material just to get a shock laugh, the awkward nervousnesses, and the writing that needs to be tightened.....but they did well..they really did. When the show ended...Brad Axlerod comes to me and says.."I remember like yesterday when you were like these guys"....and I'm saying to myself..."yeah..what a business...and here I am 13 years later, and still doing the same show!' Oh well..nobody said this thing was easy.....it is what it is....2 of my old friends actually made the effort to come see me....Tom Spooner, and Tom Hardiaman...nice of them to make the effort when they could have been home watching Seinfeld repeats...like I would have been doing....Till next show

: Little League Comedy Show
: Tuesday November 14, 2006
: 04:11 PM

This past weekend, i worked doing our annual Little League Comedy Show...which we have been doing for about 7 years now...quite successfully I might add. We raise about $ 10,000 for the weekend. Not bad...right? I gather 2-3 other comedians I know from the local circuit, and get them to work for a 'reasonable fee", while recruiting about 150 people a night to come listen to them--including my own ranting--while eating a tremendous meal, and drinking alchoholic beverages, like college students on Spring break..............it's a hell of an event..really....$45 a head...which includes the comedy show...a great dinner provided by a local chef who is a Little league volunteer--with an accomplished kitchen staff.....keg beer, boxed wine, and very crappy parking. The entire show is fantastic.....the food is great, and the Betty Ford Clinic picks up at least 16-20 new patrons immediately following the event. This year...I was nearly one of them...at the end of the event..after laughing as hard as everyone can, and drinking enough beer to kill a large buffalo, we went off with others (not driving of course..) to contine the laughs at a local bar known as "The Monkey Farm". It was here that I did my best impersonation of Mel Gibson..minus the ignorant racist blabbering. It was a hell of a night....I am lucky my wife even let me back home and still talks to me....Oh well...everybody is ok....we raised our money, had some laughs just before the stressful Holidays begin, and now the kiddies in town will all get new bats and balls in the spring.............Hey..it's all for the kids..right?

: Democrats knock out the Republicans
: Tuesday November 14, 2006
: 03:57 PM

The Democrats recently beat the hell out of those Republicans......Bush takes the big hit on this one. All over the country the people spoke and they clearly are mad at the war in Iraq, Rummsfeld's management style of our troops, and the fact that Dick Cheney shot his friend with a buck shot. The Congress and Senate will now be led by a Democratic hand, including Nancy Pelosi, Charlie Rangel, and Teddy Kennedy. I'm not sure what solutions they have for Iraq--as none of them has ever said...other than to 'bring the troops home and have peace", but we are all waiting to see. I know one thing for sure.......my taxes are going up...and big time...with those names mentioned above in power...I will have to sell 4X more Polypropylene sheet just to keep my head above water. Oh well...that's life...and that's the natural movement of power......The Republicans held the White House, Senate and House, for what seems to be an eternity....I must say.....My house is worth some astronomical amount, my 401K is doing better than ever,The dow is above 12,000!,the unemployment rate is at a 50 year low, and we haven't been hit with a terrorost attack over here since 9-11...which really has shocked me. Oh well....we have a whole new change in washington now....so I assume all those things will improve even more--right? We will see, and wish all of them the best.....if not of course...we will throw them out on their keister the same way we just threw those loser Republicans out......What a country. I just saw on television that Iran, North Korea, Argentenia, and Syria all feel that now that the Democrats are in power, "things should get better for the world", as far as how they see things....hahahahahahah...what can this possibly mean for us? Oh well...Bush deserves the beating he gets...he never stood up for himself well, or explained himself well.....I mean..let's face it..he's awful. But did you hear John kerry recently with the stupid remarks on the US Troops??? hahahahahah......Can you imagine if this guy had won??? And he was supposed to be an actual soldier! it's scary...it really is.....if Bush isn't sounding like an idiot.....then we have this guy--who wanted to be president...sounding about as bright as Jeremy Shockey. Next presidential election?????Maybe we will be voting for Ned Lamont!!!!! Hey......anything is possible. I just pray nobody attacks us here in next two years...my 401K stays strong, and I don't pay the taxes that Scandanavia is paying--just so I can get what Hillary calls "free healthcare"

: Salt Water Fishing Trip
: Tuesday October 31, 2006
: 05:00 PM

Today..myself and two friends from the are went fishing....out on the Long Island Sound. It was a beautiful day..around 70 degrees, sunny, and the fish were there. We went looking for Blackfish...oficially called "Tautog"....an Indian word which should mean.." very difficult to catch"..............These ugly fish which typically weigh about 3-5 LBS, lie very deep in the water, around reefs or rock...so you have to let the bait, which we used green crabs, go down to the bottom, and aloow these stupid little creatures to bite on, and then you quickly tug on the line, as to hook him, and then bring it up to the boat. Now..keep in mind..I have no idea what the hell I'm doing...but one friend, who owns the boat, and the gear, and the beer, and the gasoline, and the pier from which to go out on, and has everything to do with how I even knew how to do anything....is a very patient guy. He teaches me and the other guy...who just happens to be Portugese...so he aleady has an advantage over me in catching these things....Anyway...it was fun for the most part, but I have to admit...fishing is one nasty sport....from disecting these filthy little crabs, which smell like a bad fungus, to grabbing these fish, which smell terrible and feel even worse, to later on watching my friend...Jim skin these bastards-gut them, and filet them. Absolutely disgusting...to watch him do this, made me feel like I was watching a horror flick. The way they cut these things up, and throw them in a bloody bucket of salt water, and finally put the filets in a couple of plastic bags to take home...I don't know...it looks so much nicer when getting a Chilean Sea Bass on your plate at a very fine restaurant....

: Halloween
: Sunday October 29, 2006
: 09:54 AM

Tuesday is Halloween...remember as a kid what a great day this was? Halloween was always one of my favorites...the costumes, the candy, the freedom of roaming the neighborhood, and this is when I was 26. As a kid it was even better---the doorbell ringing and running, the toilet paper in the trees, the soapy windows, and of course..one of my all time favorites--putting a few blades in Mandia's apples, without him noticing....Man...those were the days... But seriously folks....Halloween is fun and I still enjoy it, even though my kids don't let me go with them anymore...now I am forced to join other adults in the neighborhood and join them in adult beverages and get a kick out of the outfits as the kids come to the door. Halloween is exciting too because it really kicks off the entire Holiday Season....within 3 weeks of Halloween is Thanksgiving week and of course followed by the big one every year...Boxing Day in Canada (Dec 26th), not to mention Christmas of course the day before....Following Halloween this year as well will be Election Day, NOV 4th, which will finally put an end to listening to all these idiots say on TV.."I approve of this message"...........Unfortunately...very few of us approve of them. If I have to watch this Ned Lamont guy talk one more time, I'm going to hurt myself....and Joe Lieberman still sounds like Alf's father on the tv show..........Looks like the Republicans will lose the House of Rep's, and that will send a good message to them that they have been scoundrels, chasing teenage page boys around the Rotunda, not showing up for votes, and taking expensive "business trips" on taxpayers money......unfortunately, it will mean me paying higher taxes of my income which is already in a tie for second with Canada.....Oh well..what's new? Just politics-right?

: Anna Nicole Smith
: Thursday October 26, 2006
: 03:51 PM

This latest story with Anna Nicole Smith is sad...to say the least. her son apparrently died , maybe on an overdose they say, while he was visiting her at her hospital room while giving birth. The poor kid...may have had some problems, etc....then he just dies...... First of all...can you imaghine just being Anna Nicole Smith's son? I mean..that's tough enough. "hey guys...want to come over and throw the ball around?"...Nah...."My mother is tanning herself at the backyard pool"...Ok...let's go!!!!!!!!!!! I mean..I can't imagine...not to mention the fact that the poor woman has the intellectual level of an infected squirrel. You ever hear her have a conversation during an interview or anything? it's like your watching a 7 year old speak with the body of an exotic dancer......it''s really an incredible phenomenon. I love when she married the 97year old guy who just happened to have about$ 56 million in the bank. That was a beauty...the poor old guy just loved looking at her...so he set her up for the trust fund....hey..it's America, right? Grandpa eventually died ( we were all so shocked...as I'm sure she was..) and Anna Nicole went to the courthouse to get her money--then was challenged by the guys son, who said he should have it, even though the son had treated the old miser like crap all his life...so the son wasn't on the list...only Anna Nicole......isn't the whole thing just a beautiful story? Anyway..i think Anna Nicole got all the money..at least I hope she did.....I don't like sons that are mean to the Father...because I have 2 of my own who already need to learn a lesson. Now she just had a baby...and nobody could figure out who the hell the father is..this woman's life is nothing but a cheap "Jerry Springer Show'..one episode after another....I'm trying to picture if that was my wife..."hey..I'm pregnant! I'm so excited!"...Then I would say.."Oh my God..this is great!", and then she would say.."Not so fast..I'm not sure if it's yours or the other guys....." Why am I spending so much time on this ridiculously ignorant woman with an incredible body--once she loses the 75LBS of extra weight? because she is the perfect American tabloid story in America...it's unreal..she sells..this sad, big blonde bombshell is what America likes to read about, watch on TV, and write blogs about......why can't I get anyone to write this way about me?????????????

: Finally Back!!!!!!!!!!
: Saturday October 21, 2006
: 08:15 AM

I am sorry for the long layoff...especially to those who I promised I would write about given a recent "Brookfield , CT Get Together" at a comedy club show I had about a month ago........ First off..this lame web site is being re-vitalized and should be done within a few weeks..I will actually have pictures here of myself taken after the early 80's....new and aspring up to date show schedule, a organized and categorized blog and most important of all perhaps---------the ability to fire back comments and comments to my blog, recent club dates, etc...should be great. As for the show I did in Danbury, CT for the Treehouse Comedy Club...it was a hell of a good time seeing everyone who came from my local hometown-Brookfield, CT to come see me. Juist to name a few, and there is no way I can recall everyone as I was busy drinking as well as dealing with the club manager, my wife and babysitting details back at our house, and the sold-out room atmosphere...not to mention ther excitement of working with a guy who has a "dummy act", which I found out later--the dummy was getting paid more than me............ Patty Montague and her husband Joe Paravati, Leo Denault, Jill Flachbart and her husband, Doug Fargiano and his wife, Cathy Iannone, Donna Theriault, Lori Fisher and her husband, Tom Sullivan, Dave Bono, KC Grouse and his wife, John Rynn, John Hyland, Sandy Pomroy, Tom and Cindy Levelle, Brenda Turriano nad her father (You know he must have enjoyed the dummy...) Dave Bengston, MJ Hartell, and others I apologize for not recalling at the moment......... The show was sold out, which was impressive....and I really enjoyed doing the act for all those that made the effort, paid ridiculous prices for drinks, never got the food they ordered, and had to park in Cleveland in order to walk in the show. The seating was tough, the ceiling was designed for the 7 Dwarfs to do an improv routine, the bathrooms are conveniently located 3 miles away from your seats, and the last act did a routine so vulgar and filthy, that even Mandia's dating escapades in Florida looked tame to in comparison. Spesaking of Bill mandia, he couldn't make the show, and Skippy Consalvo didn't make it either as I heard his bread van had a flat tire..as for Yanik...I never heard from him, but I heard he is still recovering from the lame party he organized at the Danbury Elks Lodge or whatever the hell it was....(His wife still thinks he was at a sales meeting that weekend in Milwaukee, but don't say anything..) I had a great time though, I really did, it was fun doing the stupid bits for everyone that showed, even though I knew I was being out-paid by a piece of wood with a plastic head later on in the night. I can only comment to say that show biz is one tough racket..think of this...I have been doing stand-up all over the country for the past 12 years, and despite that, I'm still barely making it at Old Serrento....that should tell you the real deal....They have re-booked me to host an "open mike forum" being held on NOV 30th-a Thursday nighjt..so if any of you would like to give stand-up a shot, let me know, and maybe I can get you up on stage, so you too can look like a haorses ass as I did there recntly.(Contact me fast...the amount of people that want to resemble a hores ass is extensive..) I have been quite busy with other ventures in my life besides stand-up...thus explaining the time away from my blog...with such activities as going to the local town dump, screaming at my kids because the constantly leave the lights in the house on, watchinmg my two daughters, uhhh...sons play football each Sunday, selling plastic sheet and tubing, stacking wood ( I paid someone to do it..), carving pumpkins with homesless children( Ok..I lied on that one..) watching my NY Mets blow the NLCS.........and vomiting while watching the political ads for both Joe Leiberman and that other filthy rich idiot ruunning for US Senate (But I must say..I am so relieved that both of these guys "Approve of this Message" following each BS ad) And on these insights, I must sign off now, and get my kids to CCD ( I teach the 6th grade class, which is really a riot...puts the stand-up act to shame..) and then watch the kids have practice, go to the dump, do some leaves, and then go the local High School Football game to watch them play patsy to the visiting team. Watch for the new site...will be on soon.

Nashville Trip

Thursday September 21, 2006

01:43 PM

I just got back yesterday from Nashville, TN, in which I was away for 7 days...yeah...7. It seemed more like a 3 month stay. I stayed in a nice hotel connected to the Convention Center, as I was there for a Plastics Conference. This was a pretty funny one because I had to both moderate a technical session as well as give a presentation on materials to an auditorium sized room....pretty technical stuff...the wired up mic, the large tv type monitor's on either side of you while on the stage and going thru my slide presentation...it was like stand-up comedy without the bits and with a nicer microphone system...and while wearing a suit and tie. I didn't do much in Nashville besides sell plastic, read about Daniel Boone, eat large steaks ( what ...do you think I'm going with their version of pasta???), look at women wearing "Elvis still lives" tee shirts, and had a few deep conversations with some bums lying on the street when I went out for a run. My company I started up 2 1/2 years ago has taken off far quicker than I would have dreamed of, and by going there for the National Meeting..it sure helped alot as well. I am also on the Board of Director's of the organization that sponsors the Conference...so it really has helped me with that as well. But I'll tell you...a week in Nashville...nobody deserves that. Nice people and all...but I mean...we went out to a couple of the clubs right there....wow....rough joints. And I'm speaking about the women. Tough babes.....There was a place called "Coyote Ugly"...what a place. The deal there is the girls that go there can get up on the bar and dance..imitating that of a stripper...while the men watching scream and yell obsceneties...it's really very nice...family like...The thing is...as the girls dance..they eventually whip off their bras, and hang them on a clothes-line looking cable above them...where about 2,000 of them from previous girls are all hung up....as they do this of course...the men are yelling uncontrollably and wait for them to get off the bar, so they can begin a witty conversation and potentially begin a very deep , loving relationsghip. It's really degrading to the women of course..but hey...it's Nashville...... I stayed for about 45 minutes...laughed a bit at the whole thing...couldn't come up with anything witty to say...and went back to the hotel. hey...it's tough when you are 46 and hanging with the young crowd. I did a comedy show there as well and it went excellent. The crowd was drunk, uneducated, and laughed like hell every time I menbtioned the idea that "the spinach back at my hotel is free for some reason"...I mean..it was that easy. Simpletons...but I loved them...hey...it's a living.

: Football is here........
: Monday September 04, 2006
: 12:25 PM

My son's football seasons have begun...it's unreal how fast it came, but it's here. My older boy who is 13 is his team's quarterback and captain...he's ok actually and plays a damn good QB. He got burned yesterday playing defensive back though, and he was hurting all day from it...that's the brakes. My younger son is 11, and plays fullback for his team. This kid is a bull, and watching him play, you'd think I fed him raw meat, when in reality...it's my wife who feeds him the raw meat. My older son's team is already 0-2. The first game they got beat 26-0, and yesterday he lost 13-6. These kids work real hard and you feel bad when they lose because they bust thier chops so much during the summer and then during the week, only to have some town come in and beat you like a drum. It brings me back to when I played all those years, and my teams were never very good either. Vince Lombardi once said..." Winning becomes a habit..unfortunately so does losing" The legend was correct of course...and man do these kids have a bad habit. Oh well..they are learning and taking thier lumps, and that is what life is about -right? My younger son's team is not bad and he was already named "player of the week" his first game...thew kid is very powerful and has more bruises to prove his hardnosed play, than Mike Tyson got in his last fight. The kid just looks beaten...and to be honest..I love it....because this is what will toughen him up for later. Plus it takes the pressure off of me to have to re-hash old "tough-football stories"...he is already learning it the old fashioned way...so that's good. I love the games myself...and enjoy such funny moments such as my 13 year old running for his life as 3 kids from the opposing team chase him down for a sack, and he has to get up and dust himself off and get back in the huddle and call the next play....and then he comes back and actually throws a 25 yard strike to a reciever--like he did yesterday. That's what it's all about. I love seeing my 11 year old run the ball up the middle...taking all those hits...while carrying 2 little guys on his back for a few extra yards. I really do love it...I am a big believer that it's a great sport for kids even though it gets a bad rap for injuries...it's actually very safe......especially if all you do is kick field goals. Anyway...it's been fun so far....and really do love this time of year.......GO GIANTS!

: Steve Irwin--Crock Man---dead
: Monday September 04, 2006
: 08:53 AM

Steve Irwin...the "Crocodile man"....was killed yesterday in his native Australia. I loved this guy...he was so crazy you just had to. The Animal Planet made it big because of this guys exploits wrestling crocodiles, swimming with sharks, holding poisinous snakes, and walking among Siberian Tigers. The ironic thing to me, is that the poor guy died yesterday while swimming and filming and was "stung" by a Stingray, and killed by it's venom. I get scared while swinmming amongst Bluefish in the Long Island Sound. I just can't believe with all his dangerous animal expolits...a fish gets him in the end. I mean..I always figured it was only a matter of time before some crocodile made a buffalo wing out of him...if nothing else getting tired of the riduculous accent. Life is funny how he survives all of that, yet gets killed by a fish. He was 44 years old...that's it...... This guy was entertaining as hell though...me and my sons watched him constantly, and I incorporate quite a bit of his "Animal Planet" discoveries in my act.....Human beings love a guy that will swim with great White Sharks, wrestle gators, and put a python around his neck. Why you ask??????????? Because we all want to see him get bit, mauled, and eaten by some animal from the wild. People are cruel...and so is entertainment business...let's face it you need ratings....what better than a little guy from Australia taking on a 14 ft Crock who hasn't eaten since last Wednesday? We want him to get eaten live on TV, just as much as we are fascinated with watching car racing---so we can see one of these idiots slam into a wall and become a pancake. We love live violence. Steve irwin was the only guy I saw that could be laying next to a wild Hyena and describe it as a "beautiful creature"...that was his thing too...a true love of these animals. I think differently than him...any animal that can injure me while walking out of my house to my car in the morning while going to pick up a New York Post--should be shot dead on the spot. I have a fear of animals that want to sink thier teeth into my lowe calf. Steve Irwin wanted to go to them and pet them and give them life...his sincerity for this was real, just as mine is in killing them. I don't think Steve Irwin ever changed his clothes..he always wore the "Daktari Outfit"...the khaki shorts and the matching shirt. His eyes always bugged out of his head as if he had just seen a Lion.....wait a minute...he was looking at a lion. Anyway...he had great passion for his work, just as I do for selling a Teflon stamped part...and that alone is commendable. This guy was always destined for danger, but he did what he loved....right to the end. Ther are actually other lunatics I'm seeing on TV now, that are doing what he did..one guy is the "Lion Hunter"...he actually roams around with prides of Lions...I mean he actually lays in the grass amongst like 8 lions....and if they wanted to get off thier lazy asses, would only have to run for about 3.5 seconds and could have him as an appetizer. So far they haven't..but they eventually will..we know that. Why they don't though bothers me...there is something we want to see..like this cocky arrogant guy running like a schoolgirl for about 10 yards while tears him to shreds like he was a little prairie dog. Whenever I watch these Animal Planet segments...my son asks me things like...."Why does he do this? Is he crazy?" And I answer him...."He gets paid lots of money for selling these segments to the TV producers....and yes...he is crazy" We will miss Steve Irwin for sure...he seemed like a great guy who was truly committed...he loved wildlife for real, and lost his own life despite realizing the dangers. However..if I am ever coming out of my house, and I see a wild rabid fox or something really dangerous like that...a raccoon, or a mouse, or even an infected squirrel...I will be grabbing my gun (if I ever were to get one and know how to shoot it) and aim it at the enemy and say..."if you think I'm Steve Irwin, you haven't be reading the papers".................BAM!

: John Mark Karr---Jon Benet murder
: Thursday August 31, 2006
: 10:41 AM

Have you seen this chearacter on tv? This "JOhn Mark Karr"??? Who the hell is this guy kidding? 3 names???? He deserves just one word..."Freak" 3 names..who the hell does he think he is? Charles Nelson Reilly? At least he had some talent on the Hollywood Squares! Now the DA has to let this pedophile go because his DNA didn't match the crime scene, etc....How about hanging on to this creep for all the other child crimes he has committed and will do in the future? Can't they hold him on anything? You could at least hold him on something else like..."Having too big a head for his body"...or "Charging champagne and roasted duck" to the American taxpayer on his flight home" from his kidddy porn apartment in Thailand.............How about arresting him for lying to the police? Isn't it a crime anymore for lying and saying you were at a crime scene when you weren't? I say we not only hold him...but we hold him in a cell and have him share it with either Scott Petersen, both The Menendez Brothers, or maybe we just force him to watch replays of every game played this season by the Kansas City Royals. This guys body bothers me too...his little tiny shoulders...he weighs about 115 LBS in the rain....yet he has a head the size of a large pumpkin. The sad part is he is so sick..it is obviously filled with lots of seeds and very little brain. He is an anaimal...that should not be "let go". I know soon enough we will hear from the "tree huggers" who will tell us he was molested as a child, had a mean father, and didn't get to be the shortstop when he was in Little Leaguue 30 years ago. The guy is sick..we know...so put him and all others like him in a facility---a hospital, etc. He's deranged..no question..we all heard him say what he said..he likes little children, etc...please..I hate even writing this...but we all know the deal...he's a sick bastard....he just so happens to know good wine and a fine champagne...but he's still a pedophile and needs never to pursue anybody ever again....The "do gooders" are going to say that with "proper treatment" he can become a normal guy...a guy who goes to work everyday, has children, is married, and pays lots of taxes...just like me. Except...he could never do stand-up..because the audience can be mean...and they would beat the crap out of this creep. John Mark Karr--the three names..it just cracks me up....as if he;s Ralph Waldo Emerson...worthy of three names.........................Please...enough.

: School and football about to start
: Tuesday August 29, 2006
: 09:46 AM

School tommorow! I feel like buying champagne I'm so excited. The kids go back and so does my wife...back to the grind...back on the bus....doing homework....back into a routine....bedtime at a reasonable hour.....no more.."I'm bored", "What can we do today?", and the one I hate the most..."Can I sleep over So-and so's house?" Not to mention--they both have football almost every day after school---keeps kids very busy, tires them out, keeps them away from the tv and video games, and when they get home---they basically eat, do homework, and go to bed. I know it sounds mean...but I love the empty house...which I now call 'the office"...because when they all leave..it is so quiet...I can actually get my work done...not to mention a nice nap if I like around 2:00...before they get home. The key is getting in the nap before Mommy (the mean schoolteacher) gets home and spoils it. She never understands how hard the average plastics salesman has to work while on the road---forcing us to need that nap on occassion when home in the "office". The routine is excellent...I enjoy it...unless of course I'm traveling...then obviously it doesn't matter. But when I'm home..I love it...the house is silent...I can do a workout in the morning...do my office work all day, grab a nap if need be, take a long lunch...whatever..it really is the way to go...if you can pull it off....which Thank God....at the moment..I can. It's the end of August, and with that comes the beginning of school, football, leaves falling, pumpkins, Halloween, cooler days, political campaigns and elections, and hopefully a sudden increase in high density polyethelene sales.............. Hey...before you know it...Santa Claus will be on the way...I'm serious.

: My son 's 11th Birthday
: Wednesday August 16, 2006
: 10:07 AM

My son Brendan turns 11 years old today. Unreal...to think this kid has been around 11 years is amazing...it seems like 20. I remember the day he was born in New Haven, CT on this very day. He came out bright eyed, and just like me..he was hungry. This kid was breast feeding more naturally than Bill Clinton was back in the alcove of the Oval office.....he was big too....strong little hands...not a big screamer during the night either...overall a very good baby. We named him Brendan for a number of reasons, the most important being that it sounded better than say...Amy. But also because it was a very masculine name with great tradition created back in Ireland. The kid has turned himself into a great young boy at 11 and will be going into the 6th grade in 2 weeks. He's a heck of a football player, not bad in baseball either, and can eat an entire cheese pizza while playing a video game. He has improved his graades at school over the past 2 years,has very good manners for a kid whose father was born in New Jersey, and is a very loyal and loving friend to all that know him. In retrospect...when I was 11...my grades equalled that of a small baboon who was being tested at a local IQ Lab, I was extrememly average in baseball and football, my friends wanted to beat me up whenever they had a chance due to my antagonizing behavior, however I too...could consume a large cheese pizza in one simple sitting. Overall...we love this kid and am very proud to have this boy over the past 11 years...i can't believe it went by so fast..........

: Spinning Class
: Monday August 07, 2006
: 08:21 AM

To those that know me..this little entry will be a favorite.....If anyone can imagine...a friend of mine in town...Mike Souza (Souza is Portugese..it means "workout") has been after me for years to take part in workout sessions that he teaches each morning at the local gym...One is "Body Pumping", which is like Jack Lalane stuff with a weight bar...very aerobic...and the other is the one I just came back from called "Spinning"...which takes place while riding a stationary bike in place. I have done both now and they really are tremendous of course...but the weird thing is, is that I just don't fit in. Everyone else there is fit, really into it, and wearing bicycle pants. I on the other hand am not fit, and wearing bermuda shorts, dark socks, and a baseball cap that says " The Improv". Souza teaches the class well...he has his own arrangement of music that you either "pump" or "bike to", that includes pulsating/rhythmatic music in order to "pump you up"..........I'm more in the mood for Sinatra. I'm not sure what is bothering me more....the pain in the posterior from sitting on that bike for 45 minutes straight, or Grandpa behind me when I'm bending over during the pumping--and he happens to be wearing bicycle pants...I'm constantly looking behind me rather than follow Souza'a directions.......It's really a great workout, and I suggest it for everyone...especially those that look like me...which is a very bad thing. I think the biggest issue is that I come from the 1970's playing football., etc...and all the training was of a very brute nature, etc...weights,windsprints, laps, just basic ass kicking drills to see who is the tougher man...all that macho crap....and to go from that to doing lunges next to a man that is 72 years old wearing a sleeveless tee shirt and pair of black tight bicycle shorts is really messing me up...not to mention the fact that he can do it properly and keep up, and I clearly can't. The exercise is great for the heart, and I sweat like Bill Clinton during an impeachment hearing, but still...this is not a natural activity for me yet, as much as I like it. I am losing weight however,and feeling better. I also walk 4 miles a day, and have been doing so for months. I am also coaching my 13 year old's football team, and actually do a all the macho drills I put them through, along with them, so that is really helping too....How do I look? Probably a cross between Ernest Borgnine and Nick Nolte.......I will update you more on this matter as I continue this routine.,....

: Comedy Show in Bristol, CT
: Sunday August 06, 2006
: 10:29 AM

I had a show this past Friday night in Bristol, CT....a town just outside Hartford, that is most famous for the fact that ESPN is there....hardly famous for the best comedy performances in history. Anyway...worked with 2 nice guys---both did a good job..one a NYC cop at one time ..now trying tomake it as a comedian....I have some advice for him..less danger being a NYC cop than doing stand-up for a living...the other guy had last done comedy 15 years agop..now making a comeback to make it big. Me....just doing the show and having a good time...bunch of ex-classmates of mine came from Brookfield, CT----Leo Denault--who was also a teamate of mine on the high school baseball team..and Lisa Theriault and Cathy Iannone...who made the effort of comin g all the way to Bristol to a place that had greasy food, pool tables, and walls covered with Bud Lite promos.....a cheaply built stage, Radio Shack speakers, and a cheap act like me acting as the headliner.....You know your doing a big time show when you are using the Mens Room urinal and there is a cheap promo of the show with my own picture on it just off to the right on the wall.....There was some rough looking characters there...pool playing kind of guys....numerous young chicks who were looking at me like ..."Why did they book this guy?" .......it was a fun time and I enjoyed seeing the old friends that came, and I guess I did about a 40 minute set, to which I actually had a critique from a guy who was smashed out of his mind and offered his evaluation by saying.."hey,,,that was really good....you want a f...... beer or something"......It was very heartwarming..and if only his eyes were lined up properly, I may have actually taken his oppinion seriously. I think it was only my second gig working with this particular booking agent who gave me the work....and based on the venue I can only write back to her and ask...." Can I work at any other places you may book that actually have a parking lot?" Anyway..it was a good show I suppose, and it was great seeing old friends....but I don't see NBC calling mne with a sitcom based on the effort....as for the money I was paid....as usual..I gave it to my wife when I got home and will never have the luxury of enjoying the fruits of my hard working labor..............Till next time....

: Mel Gibson DUI Arrest
: Monday July 31, 2006
: 11:34 AM

Big news folks! Mel Gibson........big time actor/producer was arrested in Malubu this past Fri night forn driving while intoxicated. To prove beyond a shadow of a doubt he was intoxicated, he even put on an insane show for the police just to give the judge a little something extra..... I love Mel Giibson....Braveheart, The Patriot, Passion of the Christ...I love them all....but man did this guy lose his marbles. First of all..he is married to the same woman for almost 30 years...he has something like 8 children....and is a solid right wing Republican as well as a traditional Catholic. Except for the millions of dollars and a few extra kids...he sounds like me,..........oh yeah...and the chicks love him too...forgot. According to the police report, he was driving 80 mph in a 45 mph area...at 2:30 am...where the hell is a 50 year old guy going who has 8 kids at home at 2:30 am??? Blockbuster? Apparrently not, because Blockbuster doesn't serve Bacardi and Cokes , which is his selected cocktail. The anti-jewish ranting and swearing spectacle he put on, according to police was really the clincher though...a Catholic no less? Scary to be honest...although he does have great hair, which is important. I'm sureyou can see I feel bad for this lunatic, and I do a bit..just a bit...because he is so much better than most people in that cespool of an industry he works in...plus..the kids..the wife, etc. he is screwed no doubt...what must Danny Glover think? Can you imagine him walking into Church yesterday? Even his Priest was like..."sure he donated $ 45 million, but God Almighty...what a shithouse he put on!".....I can also see fellow Republican actor/politician..GOV Arnie Scwarznegger saying..." Why did Mel drink so much? He can get equally as high doing roids with me!" The anti-Jew thing is frightening though...I mean..how can someone think like that? He said in a sober state of mind the next day.."I didn't mean what I said last night...that wasn't me..." I have always laughed at guys that say that AFTER they were not only drunk or high...but more important..after they were caught. It's like.."That wasn't the real me that ranted about the hatred.....today...now...this is the real me" It's ridiculous....like my man..Clinton...after he got caught..lied for as long as he could and then had to finally be honest and fess up said..." I did in fact have a relationship with that girl...but that was not me...that was then, and I am past that"...like now he has it together, and that was a fluke...hahahahahah...it's unreal. Mel Gibson-the right winger and active Catholic has a lot of crow to eat.....to his family, to the church, to the film community (yuck..) and most of all--to himself.

: High School Get together Party
: Saturday July 22, 2006
: 11:40 AM

I went to another "Burt Yanik" get together last night in my hometown--Brookfield, CT. It was fun..it really was....drinking, joke and story telling, food, your basic wholesome American debauchery. I really like those nights...seeing the old friends and classmates...always interesting for me to see how much better everybody else looks than I do...the girls look fantastic..all of them. My wife never goes to these things.,...she knows my buddies from home so well..and she knows at these things we have a maturity level of a learning disabled 3rd grade classroom. So I go alone..as my friends all do..and we meet everyone else...and check out normal couples who have been married for the most part 20 something years...have normal careers, live in normal American homes...have maybe 2 drinks, and go home together. Then what happens is the rest of us drink heavilly, tell old high school stories, talk about how good the other guy or guys wife looks ( I could see them all saying how out of shape I looked, and that they were shocked I found a girl to marry me). Yanik who is the organizer of this reunion of sorts....never brings "the wifey", and comes all the way from Kansas City to party like Charlie Sheen for the weekend, with grand illusions of making out with a former cheerleader. The fact of the matter is he spends more time with me and the other idiots, who wind up having a deeper conversation with the barmaid than the classmate next to them....I was talking to Leo Denault, who told me he reads my blog regularly, so I had to throw out his name here...he and I played on the same baseball team back in high school. He was a very fast center fielder, and I was a very lame pitcher. I can still recall him making some plays out there, which saved my ass a few times. His best memory of me was when he said I would walk past the bench during a game attempting to hit my own teamate with my glove in the gonads......I was just glad he doesn't remember my pitching...because it was horrendous for the most part. When I'm speaking with most of the classmates, I feel that deep down they must have this very bizarre feeling of me....given the wacky stand-up career and all...I mean it's just not normal. Most just have careers in sales, or banking, or UPS drivers or something...and they are asking me which club I last worked.,..I mean..it is strange..I know. The women all look at me like.."glad I didn't marry this idiot". The fact of course is..that I was a hell of a catch actually....I am not only selling plastic during the week, but when playing nightclubs, I usually am able to score a couple of free drinks for the wife....My best friend from this class...Bill Mandia...didn't show up as he lives in FT Lauderdale, etc....people kept asking me.."Where's Billy? Is he coming?" I gave answers like.."No..he's actually got a date tonight with 3 United Airlines flight attendants"...which is actually not far from the truth. My other buddy--Skip Consalvo didn't come either, because he's a "bread delivery boy" and wakes up at 2:30 am to pack in the bread in his van and do his deliveries....People kept saying to me.." Will you do your act now for us?" I was always saying ...."Sure, I'll just set myself up right over here in between the dartboard and the pooltable, and will do some of my bits involving politics, marriage, and travel--while some drunk is singing "My achy breaky heart" during the Karaoke performance"........These get togethers are not easy at 46 years old I'll tell you....but they are fun. It was good seeing everyone, the drinks were fun, the food was horrible, the mens room I was using looked like it got hit by a scud miissile just outside of Baghdad, and the women all looked great. I imagine I'll do it again next year at 47....if my wife continues to allow me........................

: Show in Pittsfield, Mass
: Sunday July 16, 2006
: 10:07 AM

I had a show in Pittsfield, Mass last night....God...it was awful. I haven't had that bad a performance since my SAT's back in 1977. I felt bad...to be honest....a nice little club...nice guys running it too...but the audience was just dead...they had about 24 cancelled reservations last minute, and by the time I went out there on stage, the total audience was down to about 50 people....all spread out all over, and nobody would sit up close to the stage, so you had empty tables up front. it was dreadful..yeah..I got my usual laughs here and there, but coudn't get a rhythym out of these people--let alone a simple heartbeat. me and Johnny Lampert--who is a great act....and he followed me up there to the valley of death....I left, because this is hhow the show worked....I left my house in Connecticut for Pittsfield, Mass and knew I had a 2 hour plus ride ahead of me...got there in 2 hours even---riding at about 80 mph.....show was scheduled to begin at 8:00...started late at 8:30, because they were hopingf fopr additional people to show up....they didn't...I started off at 8:30 and walked off the stage at 9:00...walked over to the bar, got my money, grabbed my car keys, said thanks to the owner of the club...and went straight to my car and drove home another 2 hours.... Tough work..huh? Yeah..no kidding....that's show biz baby...at it's lowest form. looking forward to relaxing today...on a 96 degree day.

: My son goes to a Bowling Alley
: Thursday July 13, 2006
: 09:18 AM

Last night was another one of thoise nights that made me think how old I am, and that I have son--who is 13....that is doing the same stupid stuff I did when I was 13........... He went to the Bowling Alley in town...with about 6 friends...from about 8:00-10:00. Now..at 46..i can't even imagine a kore dreadful night..to be honest, other than maybe watching a Keneau Reeves movie for the same amount of time. I remember back though when I used to go there with my buddies...I mean..it was a release...a place to "hang out", for us..it was a place that we could sneak a cigarette, eat french fries, maybe bowl a game, play some of the arcade machines, bust each others chops over how stupid the bowling shoes looked, laugh at the 48 year old bald guys that took bowling so serious, that they actually wore a uniform kind of thing, and carried thier own ball in an actual bowling ball case. These are the things we did...to kill some time on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon.....I told my son to watch himself...behave properly, and to watch out for any strange looking guys hanging out with lots of time on thier hands....rememeber these guys? The place always had strange looking guys, that were just hanging out...and as we know..any adult just hanging out at a bowling alley has more time on his hands than Al Gore the past 4 years.....it's creepy to say the least...but what do you do as a parent? "You can't go to a bowling alley"...I don't know....I just hate that he is beginning to do the same things I used to do as I grew up...because I sort of know what's coming down the line...and it's a lot worse than "wanting to bowl". I hope not of course...and who knows...maybe I will get lucky with my two...they are both very good..I must say...but...you just don't know. When I was 13..I was still very immature...had no confidence at all in myself....knew that girls didn't like me....and really just liked hanging out with my buddies in the neighborhood playing ball. But i'll tell you what....things changed dramatically from that point to say...when I became 16. We will be watching these next few years very closely, and praying each week at Mass that he comes to his senses soon and says.. I want to be nothing like my Father"

: Trip to New Hampshire....
: Wednesday July 12, 2006
: 11:18 AM

Just got back from a few days in New Hampshire...nice state that new Hampshire, it really is. How do you not love a place in America that has signs all over the roads that feature it's state moto--which is "Live Free or Die"..I love it..it's on the licesnse plates, road signs, on the school buildings, etc. What miust the hardcore prisoners of NH think while making the license plates think....."Live Free or die"..."guess I will be dying here all right."..... Beautiful state.....toll booth operators are pleasent....very green, beuatiful lakes, nice mountain range, cute new England accents...and a hell of a property tax.....it's almost as if Teddy kennedy snuck up there one night on a binge, and slipped the largest property tax in the nation on these poor people. The real estate market is very tricky....the homes are listed honestly at modest prices...such as for an average 3 BR home ...$235,000....nice deal right? And the realtors will also add...and we have no sales tax or income tax! Also true tidbits....Now the bad news....Oh by the way...on top of the great price of $235,000 for your average ranch....don't forget the $100,000 property taxes.......Hahahahahaha...sorry! Oh well...nothing for nothing...even in new Hampshire.... Can't imagine the jobs you can do there though...I mean..how many of us want to become loggers? Or perhaps you can be a shoe manufacturer.....or if you are lucky...you can do what the guys do that I was visiting....stamp out little tiny plastic parts often used for the mining or horticultural industry...other than that...there is work at a mall, or perhaps a Park Ranger. If you visit Manchester as I did...the people there in NH look at that town as basically....Manhattan. Once you begin to go North of that, the towns and the people begin to resemble an old New England painting from the 1940's.....the beard's get longer, the houses become more log cabinish, the pickup trucks become more seen, and the gas stations are actually called service stations...people are very conservative....and if you have a name like I do....Vincent (especially Vinny), they think you are a mobster, and they want you to leave soon...(as I did) The people there follow the Boston Red Sox strictly...not much of a football or basketball state....never heard of Frank Sinatra, and when I mentioned that I have "twin wall polycarbonate", they assumed I must be selling it from "one of those asian-overseas companies"....and I am................... I tried telling all these guys that I am a true Yankee from Connecticut...a regular Norman Rockwell kid...that my father was a logger for many years in Connecticut, and that my mother was a seamstress at a shoe company for 35 years....that I am against immigration, can't stand New Yorkers or 'those people from New Jersey", that my Cadillac was a rental, I usually just use a Ford Taurus till some guy hit my car, and that I love to hike mountains and fish for trout in streams and rivers.............................................They didn't believe a word I said.....Oh well....i will be in NJ and Long Island next week...hopefully I will sell more there.

: Performing at a Coffee House....
: Saturday June 24, 2006
: 09:39 AM

One of the lowest venues to perform on stage doing comedy, in case you never heard this...is..a coffeehouse. It's ironic actually..in that the modern day comedy club evolved from the early 1960's--in which comedians actually perfromed in Coffeehouses...and then someone had the idea of opening a nightclub, per say--with lots of booze to hold the shows in...this worked mainly because, the more liquor you drink...the better the jokes get. In a coffeehouse, the more coffee you drink...the more you need to urinate, and the more you get fidgety and look at your watch, and want to go home. Anyway...coffeehhouses are NOT where you want to play anymore....however, a girl I know..Linda Belt is a comic and a booking agent. She and I have worked many times...she calls me and askes me to help her with a particular coffee house in Hartford, CT tonight--as the place tries to get a "comedy room" going..I said yes for two reasons, and two reasons only.....My wife is away with girlfriends overnight in NYC and my kids are staying over a friends house. And...I herad the hazlenut is pretty good. Actually..the pay is ok also..so that helps....it should be funny though..and the two other acts before me should do a good job too...Cheap to get in..$10.00! What a bargain to watch me go bananas for 45 minutes,ranting and raving about such topical issues as Saddam Huesseins recent hunger strike, what it was like selling polycarbionate film in a crack neighborhood this week in Philadelphia, and the fact that the wildest part of tonight's show is when the coffee girl brews a fresh pot of decaf mocha almond............. The show should be good, and am actually looking forward to doing this, as sick as it sounds...I used to do coffee houses years ago, and always found so many things hilarious as I went on stage just about the place itself, that I always killed the room. Should be fun..if you need details on the show, email me and I will get back to you

: Fathers Day.....
: Monday June 19, 2006
: 08:23 AM

Fathers Day came and went yesterday, but not without the usual memories of my own father and what he represented....it's so funny to me how different he and I do the role of Father...he being passed away for about 10 years now...it's funny to look back. He was a real different guy than I am...and...he came from a different era opf course, noit to mention the fact that he grew up in a poverty lifestyle in a NYC neighborhood...so there are plenty of factors as to why I think...as Fathers...we are so different. Right off the bat......he was one of those guys who felt his work was #1...it was a priority...no doubt about it. he was a Labor Negotiator during the 70's, which during that time and for American Can Company, was a hell of a pressure cooker, given that he was fighting the Teamsters, and Steel workers Unions constantly....He did love his job, but no question too much...but again...it's because of where he came from. He saw a few of mmy football games, yet never saw me play any high school baseball or anything....he never particuipated in any of my school events as we all do today as father's....in fact...it was doubtful, he could find my schools if he had to in an emergency....as the old days was..My mother did all that stuff.... He was an Irish Catholic kid from the city who played stickball as a kid, lost his brother during WW11, and developed a close bond with the kids he hung out on the streets with , until his death. He ever had a formal education, yet to this day, I don't believe I never met anyone better read than my father...and that is an accurate statement. He was a big guy...6 ft 1...225 Lbs...and had a great Irish wit about him....He was not always such a sweetheart however, and could be quite a headache when disobeying the laws of the house, which were quite a few and well defined....and here is where he and I share a lot of the same fathering philosophies, rather than how we differ.....He didn't tolerate disrespect---in any form, and to anyone--this went for our Mother #1, friends, teachers, coaches, bus drivers, parents, any female regardless of age, strangers even....and trust me, when I say...didn't tolerate it...I'm being very serious. He didn't go for the lying thing too well either....He was very demanding on "doing our best", which I did not do very often.....but when I did finally put out at sdomething...noticed, commented and encouraged and demanded again from me. He always prioritized that I never let anyone tell me I couldn't accomplish something...he advised I get those peopleout of my way, and continue on...he always told me to never be afraid of failure...to take well calculated risks and to be whatever it is I wanted to be.....He said these things , but always highlighted that whatever it is you want should be done with honesty and good old fashioned work. He always prioritized education...as #1. I was the only one in my house to have gotten a college education, and believe me....I didn't get through on the Deans List....but I did make it. That was huge to him. He respected that in me...he knew of course what a lousy student I was all my life...yet I somehow managed to not give up, and to him that was very commendable....he taught us never to make excuses for our failures...not to blame others...and during a time oin the 70's, etc....would not hear of any prejudicial remarks in the household. If I ever said any sort of racial knock or joke, even as an ignorant kid not knowing any better--he'd have removed my head with his hand....Although his rants and tirades were rough....he would never tolerate any language from us....believe me..we didn't. He made sure were at Mass each week, even thoughg he lost his way, and wouldn't go from the age of 40 or something on.....I think he respected that following my college graduation...I actually got my act together and went on to produce an actual career...which I know he expected me out of the three of us, to have the hardest time with,....I know he respected the fact that I worked hard,took a great responsibility in my job, and eventually bought my first house the year following our wedding.....He respected the fact that I was the kind of person that did it all on the money I earned along with my wife, and not from someone else "helping us", when it would have been a lot easier....To this day...that remains true. He's gone 10 years now...but always think of him when watching any NY Giant/ND Football game ( I missed very few games with him together)....when I hear a certain song on the radio from Sinatra--who he loved...........anytimne I'm riding on business through a rough NYC neighborhood and I see kids playing--that he was one of those kids...and how lucky I am to have not grown up with a lot less.....any time I read about Jackie Robinson, Joe D., Ted Williams, or any other great baseball name--and how he actually saw these guys play when he snuck into Ebbetts Field...and watched players I wish I could have seen.........But I also think of him and feel bad as to the fun he missed by not being as involved with mmy kids day to day stuff...which I am lucky enough to do...I don't value any career as much as he did his, and look for any way I can, to get out of things, so I can do the things I want with my two.......And now for the bad news for my two kids....I preach the same strict things he did to me...and will continue to....Oh well...this is a long one...but these were the things I was thinking about as I wnt to Mass that morning as the Priest asked that we think of those Father's that have passed on....See ya.........

: Summer Vacation
: Saturday June 17, 2006
: 12:33 PM

Summer is basicall here and we just can't believe it. My wife and the kids are done with school this Tuesday and now we must get our summer vacation set....smarter people of course already have...but we are just thinking about it. My two boys will be playing baseball thru mid-July though, and then football begins, so it's real hard to find that one week which will work with this ridiculous schedule. When I was a kid it was so muchg easier...school would be out, and I'd have basically thge whole summer to hang out in the neighborhood and do "kid things"....my kids get very little of this, as much as I encourage it. They will be at "ALL-Star Little league Games", and then on to football training, etc...it stinks really. I mean, it's good for them to have the activity, biut so little "regular time" is no good...I'd be playing ball in the neighborhood all summer, swimming in the lake, walking the town for miles and hours at a time, catching frogs in the woods, mowing lawns for money, and this was all done at the age of 28. I guess seriously that it is good that they are busy though at times...when I was 13 for example, as my oldest boy is...I'd be thinking about girls constantly----usually about how much they didn't like me....trying to understand why it was when they walked by my house and I waved at them, they looked away as if staring at an oak tree or something.........I also spent my summers waiting for the last report card to show up at my mailbox so I could figure out how to not let my father see it for a few days more....it was at 13 I think when i tried my foirst cigarrette with Mark Hartney I believe....a Marlboro I think...I coughed...got dizzy and nauseus from it, and then lit up another one............it was the summer of 1973 at age of 13 when me and my brother along with my neighborhood buddies would play ball till it got dark...me, Mark Hartney, Bill Mandia, Mark Kennedy, Kevin Fletcher, and a misc other few would play baseball, football, basketball, etc like it was the last day on earth--competetive and for many hours....with little breaks. When we needed water, we simply drank water out of the closest water hose....and then resumed play. We loved it......and had to be called in for dinner...we were never found in the house from 7:00 am on...honestly. We talked about all the girls we liked..........the music that was happening in 1973....all of our current baseball and football heroes at that time, and we busted each others chops like crazy----so much so that we always had an occassional fight or two over the summer break...it was bound to happen...we were all very competetive, played to the death, and eventually someone had it with someone else...and a fight broke out. In 1973...we fought our own battles...our Mommy and Daddy's didn;t come running, and for the most part they never even knew about it....except for ther timer that I beat the crap out of Hartney so bad, when pounching him in the face, I was hitting his braces, which really tore him open and caused a lot of bleeding...(By the way...he deserved every punch...even ask him), and his father saw him full of blood at the dinner table, and when his father asked what happened,his father did what mine woulkd do...looked at him and said.."Guess you won't do that again.." Even though we fought at times...we respected each other and were the most loyal any friends could be.....those summers still sit in my mind of a great bonding and maturing period in my life...I value that time so much...do I wish I could have spent more time at All -Star Games and football traininbg, etc to have possibly become a better ballplayer?????????????? No...I don't.

: Physical Therapy
: Monday June 12, 2006
: 02:16 PM

I started physical therapy today on a shoulder injury I sustained probably many years ago....Ever go through this ordeal? it's really funny...First..I screwed up my shoulder..probably back playing football many years ago...pitching in high school baseball....in college years- lifting kegs of beer up doem staircases, and in later years hitting my children as they ran from me after they broke a lamp or something throwing a football in the house......I don't know...so anyway..my shoulder has been killing me and I go to a doctor--who advises me Physical Therapy to "build it back up"...yeah...right.... So I go the PT facility....it's like a workout gym....weight machines all over...massage tables, those big medicine balls I had in gym class years ago, a couple of mats on the floor to stretch out on, and even one of those ropes on a pulley system where you pull the cord out of the wall to build up your resistance...the kind of thing yyou saw on a Three stooges bit, where the cord snaps out of the wall finally and wraps around somebody's skull. Well..I'm sitting there on a little machine working on this resistance machine to build back strength in my shoulder /back area...and I'm feeling like I'm 86 years old....Why you ask? Because everyone else in the room is 86...that's why. I hate the old people that actually dress in workout outfits too...you know what I mean..I'm looking accross, and Grandpa is wearing a Jack LaLane special from KMart, trying to look like he's going to do some benchpressing so he can play football in the fall...truth is he's pushing a rope about 3 inches every other 10 minutes to build himself back while reading US Magazine.........and I have news for Grandpa...he's not going to build back the injured wrist..ok? It's over...I realize at 46 that my shoulder is shot too, don't let me kid you....The few others that are in there that are under the age of 86, are there in my oppinnion....to get out of working...they are lazy people like myself...that rather than work..have gotten a doctor's note to get "rehabbed", so as to miss working a few hours a day--so the boss can't fire them...and let me tell you...the younger ones are lazier than Uncle Charlie over there on the rowing machine....Next thing I knew...one old goat wanted to start talking to me as I began doing some weird "stance against the wall" move the instructor told me would build up my back....the old guy says..."so...what did you do to your back?"...as he is wiping his bald head with a towel...I wanted to say.."Look Uncle Fester...this is humiliating enough being here...please go talk to someone else before I have to throw you over the Cybex machine over there." So anyway...this was my first day, and you can imagine how much I am going to love this....as I walked out, they signed me up for my next appt---Friday at 8:30

: War in Iraq....
: Saturday June 10, 2006
: 08:04 AM

Well..the war in Iraq continues unfortunately...people continue to die, but I suppose we are making some progress. We killed this character Zarqawi the other day by blowing up his home with an F-18 or something.....Can you imagine dying bey getting attacked by a F-18????? I mean...getting shot by a bullet is bad enough...how about a knife or bayonett to the chest? During war we have even heard of things like grenades, etc....But an F-18 ????I mean we actually sent the thing in and bombed his home based on a tip. The cost of sending that baby in there to get this animal probably cost at least $ 2.5 million dollars. And by the way,...have you heard the big story on it? The media has been reporting all yesterday and this morning that the filthy bacteria actually lived for awhile after being hit! That he actually was attempting to get off a stretcher and make a run for it, to avoid thae American soldiers coming in to identify the body. I mean.,..an F-18 hit 'em and he was still alive...couldn't we have broken down the door to his house while he was watching a Seinfeld repeat or whatever, and plunge a $ 24.00 sword into his heart? it would have been a quick sure death, and we would have saved about $2.5 million? Oh well...so we got this terrorist who apparrently had killed hundreds of thousands of people...a victory I suppose...but there are so many of these rats multiplying, it must be hard to even imagine the task at hand.....I don't know..I bel;ieve in attacking all these guys and all, but just wonder when it ends,...maybe it doesn't. I mean we got Saddam Huessein, the worst of all...and he is basically ranting at the judge every day, and still alive and shooting his mouth off.........I don't get the whole thing...I'm glad I'm not Bush for 2 reasons...1. I thank God that I am able to speak without getting stuck on big words and 2. I just can't imagine having to manage this nightmare with all the details and difficulties he must face every minute of the day.

: Cruise vacations
: Monday June 05, 2006
: 07:41 AM

A friend of mine is leaving today on a Cruise...people rave about these things......I have never been on one to be honest....people swear by them...the ship itself, the food, the liquor, the activities, the islands you go to...etc. I have always thought about going on these, but to be honest, the idea of gaining 25 more LBS, degrading the functions of my liver, having a sunburn, and risking the chance of the wife throwing me overboard--like is happening to all these other guys---is a bit much. It costs basically $1,500 a person as I understand it....which is ok (after all...polycarbonate sales are up..).....and all the activities people tell me they do sounds exhausting-----the pool, the meals, the shows at night, the casinos, comedy clubs, bingo, playing basketball, and all other things is quite a bit. If I did all these things..I'd be taking a nap by 12:00 noon. The other problemn I have is the safety...I'd be worried that my trip would turn into the Poseidon Adventure / Part 11.....instead of Ernest Borgnine arguing with the wife while trying to escape, it would be me and my wife. The other probable ending, would be me getting screwed like the Irish did on the movie Titanic..where the ship is going down after hitting a glacier, and I'm being held in the bottom of the ship under lock and key, because I reserved the cheapest room. Even if I did escape from the basement, I'd be the guy who gets screwed fitting my fat ass in the liferaft..........anyway--you get the point.

: Little League Resignation
: Friday June 02, 2006
: 08:33 AM

I resigned from the Little League Board of Directors this past Wed night........I had thought about doing this fore quite awhile actually...I have been involved in a Board level now for about 6-7 years I guess..,,managing a team (if you can call it that..) for the past amount of years as well. I felt I was becoming stale..and felt it was really unfair to my family, the business I started up 2 years ago, and to others that would want to try some involvement...so i felt it would be good if I left and directed myself to other things...not to mention that my older son now plays on the Middle School team, and I don;t get to see him play, because I'm running my own team...so...anyway..I left. it wasn't easy to do, because I really have had just about every 10 year old thru 13 year old on a team at some point over the past years and really will miss them...yelling at them, seeing a kid who really has no skill whatsoever get a hit or make a catch, watching them grow up to be young adults, all that sort of thing. I really enjoyed the parents as well, and all kidding aside..I never really had any problems with them either...I never favored the "better ballplayers"..in fact I spent far more time with kids that didn't know a baseball from a shovel....I mean..I always felt the kids that were good already were going to coontinue with or without my assistance...but the kids that had no prayer..really might play again the following year, if they actually felt they made a slight improvement. Anyway...you know how it goes...everyone is all over the better players, talking about them, building them up, projecting what they will be doing by the time they are the ripe old age of say...15. it's sick in a way..it really is. I played baseball my who;e life...thru high school, etc...I have bad news for everybody...they aren't that good...they really aren't... but that's ok....I am far more impressed with the fact that a kid conducts himself like a gentleman than I am when he hits a double off the wall....I'm not trying to suggest we kill any dreams here folks, I'm still dreaminmg that I may someday play for the Mets, win a Powerball ticket, and that my kids know how to someday turn off the light in the bathroom when they are done-----but I'm not holding my breath. About 2 kids a year come on if we are lucky that really have "it going on", and even they can not match up to a competetive area that truly knows how to breed the kids at a young age and develop...and even they will most likely eventually get bored or find other things to do, like chase girls, play golf, or maybe even sell plastic. Not to say we shouldn[t all push our kids...we should..of course. But I must say--that all the years I coached I always a had a meeting prior to our first practice with the kids and parents..and always was very blunt...I stress a number of things far more than I do winning a game, getting a hit, pitching a victory, or sliding into home...............and those things were to respect the umpire, your teamates and opposing players, the coaching staff, and your parents......to never walk out to your position, to never get down on another player when he struggles--regardless of what team he is on, to enjoy themselves, to clean up the area afterward, and to always use their head--always be a heady player, and to always give all they have on the field and off. I hope I was successful in at least communicating these priorities to these kids over the years...because they are so far more important than the other things.......Put it this way...if a kid has great God given talent and he actually does these priorities--he may actually have a chance of being a true ballplayer with a future.......but the beauty is that even if the kid has none of the talents needed physically, yet follows these guidelines....we are talking about one hell of a kid who will be successful in most anything else he/she chooses to do with his/her life.

: Weddings
: Wednesday May 31, 2006
: 07:51 AM

My wife and I recently attended the 1st wedding we have been to in over 10 years...beautiful wedding....but it was so different to me. For one thing...it was a friend's daughter...not a friend of mine, for the first time. Very different...because you feel...so old of course. Now I have become the "old guy" who sits with other couple's at a table and is supposed to behave mature, sedate, calm, and collective. Back in "the day" when I was used to attending weddings, I would be unruly, aggressive, on the dance floor, and asking people "if the bridesmaids were single". This wedding I sat at a table..never entered the dance floor, had a few Coors Lights, and watched all the young people have fun, drink heavilly, dance, and hit on each other. Funny thing is though...weddings don't change...the bride always looks fantasatic, the band usually destroys every song they do, the food is OK at best, the best man does a toast about as creative and well said as a George W. Bush press conference, and the bridesmaids outfits look as ridiculous as my tuxedo did at my Junior Prom back in 1977. But it's fun....I love when the bride and groom enter the reception for the first time...they are so happy.../just like me when I got married 16 years ago...it really is "Your Day"...not a worry in the world...with gifts and money coming to you, and a honeymoon to boot...all your buddies there....etc. You are King for a Day....no doubt. The other guaranteed thing at every wedding is that the two families aren't particularly...how do I say it..."crazy about each other".............The family that has more money is hated by the family that has less....(My wife's family hated mine)......the brother of the bride immediately has no trust of the groom....The grooms mother already sees the new bride as pushy, demanding, and overbearing.....not to mention the fact that she hates the brides mother because of what a bitch she acted like during the rehersal dinner......................The bride is always smarter than the groom...The groom (I was this way) actually believes that things are going to always go smooth from the wedding ceremony on, while the bride knows better...she knows things will get tough and that she will "show him" how to get through and how "he will just have to adjust" and things will be fine..................The groom actually thinks that his wife will always find his buddies equally as funny and witty as she did when they were single.............the groom thinks she will have no problem when he golfs , has an occassional "one too many", or that she will understand when he doesn't feel like going to her Mother's house on Sunday for dinner. The groom's are kidding themselves......... The groom has so much he will learn...just as this recently wed groom will learn.....Weddings are fun...they really are...and exciting as well. It really is the beginning of a new life, and it was neat to see one again after ten years....My wife and I are married 16 years now, and there is no doubt she is the luckiest woman on the face of the earth....and as for me....I'm thinking of going golfing and having "one too many" this weekend.

: Selling Plastics/ Little League/ memorial Day Weekend
: Friday May 26, 2006
: 11:18 AM

Lot of things happening....just got back from traveling through Binghampton, NY, Scranton, PA, Reading, PA, and if that wasn't exciting enough...how about Allentown, PA? God Almighty....I had a girl at the hotel desk actually ask me when I checked in.."here for business, sir?" I said.."God...do I look that desperate to be vacationing in Scranton???" it was unreal..sold a lot of polypropylene washers, and did a pretty good jb with some Ultra high molecular weight Polyethelene sheet as well...I know all you guys love when i throw those plastic terms out there......I get back just in time last night to watch my son play 2nd Base for the school team he plays on in town...he's doing pretty well...went 1 for 2 with an RBI single and turned a double play at second.....then I went home to a Little League meeting---where the coaches actually pick the All-Stars...I have been doing this for almost 6 years now,and man,, is this getting old. Picking which kids make it to play on an All-Star tournament...we have to describe how the kids on your team that yopu coached played...about my son I said.."he obviously has some gentic problems...and many problems at home"......I mean...what do you say? My kid should be an All Star, so he can be treated special and get to play in a tournament which most kids can only dream of....it's ridiculous.....You know what...when I was a kid, I never made a Little league All Star team, yet I played high school ball years later...it means nothing.....but we have to do this. I hate it...know what I'd rather do???????.."Elect a kid from the league that played the hardest, whined the least, made every game, never walked on to the field, helped put the equipment away after a game, said thank-you to his coaches each night, thanked the umpire for his/her service of coming there that night, and cheered on teamates even when they made costly mistakes.....................Now that would be a meeting I would love to participate in elections for. The All-Stars??????????????? Oh God Almighty.....my son included...please...spare me. Memorial Day!!!! Excited??? Traffic, drunk driving, the parades in town, discounted sales going on at furniture stores.....Gas at $ 3.05 a gallon....this is America! I will be at my son's games this weekend...Marching in the Parade with my Little League team.............golfing one day I hope..........mowing the lawn...smoking a cigar....and thanking and admiring the serviceman and women this country has had all these years...because without them....I wouldn't be able to do any of the things I just mentioned.

: Little League--so far....
: Wednesday May 17, 2006
: 10:24 AM

So far the season is going well....nobody has been injured, no parents have called my house demanding my resignation, and I haven't had to physically fight any umpires......Keep in mind..the season is young. My team is 5-3 I think, and I feel bad that I have had to miss several games due to this whole thing I hate...known as "work". Work always gets in the way of a good time..it really is a shame how true that is. The kids are playing hard, and they really are a good group, and I am really enjoying these kids. Always on time, rarely argue a call at the plate, run for the most part to thier respective positions (occassionally I must direct them to where say..right field is located), none of them has lit up a cigarrette in front of me or anything, I have only heard a few random cuss words used during the heat of the moment, and only one kid seems to cry on occassion. All in all--a spectacular review.... My 2 assistant coaches are in one word....dangerous. One is a painter--not like Van Gogh..like paint your house. The other is a Mfg Executive who isn't even from town. He's an old buddy of mine, and I had to drag him from his office with his loosened up tie, and the fact that he just fired a production worker or something, to get him to a Little League field, which is something at the age of 56, he has never done in his life. The painter actually has one of my star players on the team so he has some logic...but if you asked him to give a kid the sign to bunt from 3rd base..he will look at me and shrug his shoulders. He's tremndous up on a ladder doing the trim above the garage,, but dangerous trying to communicate the hit and run. As for me..I too am pathetic really...beeen doing this coaching thing for about 6-7 years and it seems like only 36...so I'm really having fun. I have never won a championship in town, and come to think of it---don't think I have ever won more than 4 games....When we have our Little League Draft..the kids parents usually puit thier phone machines on--so in case I call them to tell them that I chose their "special son", they can always say.."I didn't know he called for our kid..i didn't get the message." But so far this season really has been fun, and I have some really good players....good pitching, the League's Home Run King, and of course my 10 year old son...who trying to get him to listen to me, is similar to his Mother trying to get me to listen to her. This is my last year Managing a team as I really feel it is "overdue" for some other father's to go through this experience....you know...carrying the bats and balls, and helmets in your car all the time, making up a roster every other day, arguing with other managers and umpires all the time, bringing a rake to the field so you can fix the mound from the last rainfall, calling the parents, emailing the parents, fixing a kids scraped knee from hism sliding home (out in my case.,..) telling the kids that "even though they lost, we are still in this thing.", explaining to the parents why their kid can't pitch that particular day, organizing the pizza party at the end of the season, having to admit to my friends back home that my team came in 4th place again, and of course my own kids losing faith in my abilities, not to mention never having time to mow the lawn, do the chores, sell PVC sheet, get back to my comedy agent, or watch the Mets. Other than this...I wish the future Little League Managers all the luck, success, and happiness that I have had......I really have loved it.

: Trip to Hilton Head
: Tuesday May 09, 2006
: 01:53 PM

Just got back yesterday from being in Hilton Head since Thursday...Ever been there? It's a golf resort basically...and we did have fun....try and picture about 24 plastics salesman staying at a hotel, wearing shorts, wearing shades, carrrying golf clubs, and speaking 100% POlycarbonate throughout the day.....yeah...it was ridiculous. First of all...we stayed at a....are you ready???? A Hilton. How the hell do you go to Hilton Head and stay at a "Holiday Inn"? How Hilton took that place over is unknown to me..but m,an they are making money on golf packages and time shares....It was about 86 degrees all week....a lot of 82 year old guys marrried for the 4th time, and the new "wifey" is about 34. I love places that have these kinds of crowds to watch...Las Vegas, Key Largo, etc. Always funny to watch the old geezer with money walking hand in hand with his new bride of 32 years, as she is checking out the young guys on the beach..........I don't really understand this place...to get there, you fly into Savannah, GA and drive 45 mins to get to the "island"...it's strange.All the employees wear name tags at the hotel to let you know where they are originally from...I like this trait, because as I sit at the bar and am bored ( I get bored easily following a day of meetings discussing the latest technology in twin sheet vacuum forming...) I will ask the bartender witty things like.."So...your from Grand Rapids, huh?" "Amazing you left Grand Rapids for a career here..."....Sometimes it's things like..." Hey, your from Connecticut? me too!!!!" We golf of course....I mean..what else would you do but golf on Hilton Head Island, except try and count all the properties that are owned by Hilton. My golf game is about as strong as the season so far for the Kansas City Royals.....you have to watch out at all these courses for Aligators...which you will always see around the bodies of water on the couirse--the groundskeepers always warn you..."Don't tease the Gators"......It's a little like being on an African Safari, your jeep breaks down and you are on foot, and you see a lion at about 100 yards...and you decide to "tease him", just to get a reaction. You have to be careful of snakes too---as they are poisinous and like to coil up in the cups on the green. it's really a lot of fun.... All in all...it was ok...been to a million of these kind of places...they don't do much for me to be honest....the golf is ok, but all things being equal, I'd rather be back home in CT golfing right now to tell you the truth.

: Most Popular Baby Names
: Monday April 24, 2006
: 02:28 PM

I just saw the latest list printed on the "Most popular baby names", as published by several newspapers......you know this ridiculous list..right? These names they come up with are constantly changing, and me being 45...I never hear anymore of kids named Mike, Joe, John and Steve.....it's a whole new thing and it just drives me crazy. I have all these young kids on my Little league teams, in my CCD classes(Yes..I teach CCD..scary huh?) and my kids friends in general. For example..the most popular boys name right now is "Jacob"...what inspired this? Jacob Marley?....Jacoby and Meyers? I don't know...I would never name my kids that name...My two you ask? John and Brendan...the Brendan name is a little different..We wanted a masculine Irish sounding name without going with the typical Sean. My oldest son..John....very simple...it just works.As for the girls....the most common name is Emily...followed by Madison...Madison?????? Where is this one from...? Madison, Wisconsin? The Bridges of Madison County? other girls names right at the top...Hannah, Emma(not to be confused with the #1 name -Emily), Alexis, Ashley, Sarah, and Abigail...Abigail..this is one I don't know of any kids named in town yet....Abigail Van Buren? Remember when every boy in town born in the 1990's was named Tyler or Jason? When I hear Jason..all I can think of is that guy with the hockey mask. Is there any kids today named Jim? I don't know of one..my brother has that name.....but no kids today do..........how about my name? Vincent. Never hear any kids named that one today...unless you were born in either Newark, NJ or Staten Island. Want another boring one? How about my wife...Sue? Any young girls today called Sue??? I don't think so. Ever hear any more boys today called George, Frank, Ed, or Ralph? No way...what chick wouldn't be turned on by a guy named one of those? I have a buddy of mine....he's 56..his name? Serge. That's right..Serge. A great name to open a conversation with a chick with back in the day.."Hey there...couldn't help notice you accross the room..my name...is Serge" Beats the hell out of this example.."Hey baby...you have beautiful eyes....in case you are wondering....my name is George"

: Rainy Weekend
: Sunday April 23, 2006
: 08:11 AM

You know what I hate about rainy weekends like the one we are having here in CT? First off...I hate that everybody says.."Man...is that some rain out there or what?"...That alone bothers me...the other things are the weather TV people who almost become energized by this phenomenon...they get all crazy and speak about the rain in all kinds of technical jargon...the other day I heard a guy speaking about a tornado...and referred to the weather as becoming ...are you ready?..."tornadic"...He really said that..he said the weather may become tornadic as the winds increase......I hate it. Also, I hate the fact that the rain keeps the kids inside more...I ask my kids...why don't you go out and walk on I-95 or something? ..I mean anything rather than hang out in here whining and asking for things..... You know what;s going to happen now? The kids are going to wake up and after church (yeah..I actually do go...) ask if they and a few friends can go to a movie.My wife will probably go to her school and catch up on work, while I will be in a movie theatre watching some terrible movie with about 4 kids, paying a total bill of about $ 35.00. The only thing I like about the rain is that about mid day today...when everyone is sitting in the house....I will say.."Boy...what a shame this rain is...I really wanted to get alot of work done outside...oh well....not happening today...guess I may as well catch up with a nap here on the couch"....and actually get away with it.

: Washington DC Vacation
: Friday April 21, 2006
: 09:42 AM

I just got back from DC and Virginia where the family and I went on Spring Vacation..yeah, the 2 klids, me , the wife all in the Volvo Station Wagon--just like Chevy Chase...it's pretty hilarious. The wagon filled with bags, luggage, etc in the back...me wearing the shades driving...hating the tolls, the other drivers, the older son punching the younger one in the head while I'm driving, the wife telling me I'm driving too fast, me trying to avoid police, making cell phone calls for business while driving, stopping off at rest areas for the bathroom, snacks and to get screwed on these outrageous gas prices............you get the drift. Wash DC is an amazing place...we visited all the spots--Arlington Cemetary, The Capitol, The White House, the Smithsonian, and made a few wrong turns and got to visit a very friendly crack neighborhood as well. We saw where JFK is buried, and I couldn't help but ask myself, "I wonder if that day in Dallas, he had any idea he would wind up here on top of this hill...I'm sure the plans were he'd be buried in Hyannis or something"...........While checking out the Capitol, I couldn't help but laugh thinking of how many times must Christopher Dodd of CT and his buddy Ted Kennedy chased secretaries around the water coolers in the heyday..........at the Smithsonian, the Air and space Museum was great...these guiys that did all these missions...God..real men...I fly to Indianapolis on American Airlines and I'm exhausted and need a nap. The astronauts, the WW 11 pilots, the original aviators...unreal. I even saw the original plane that The Wright brothers flew....God what a piece of junk that thing was....the actual first flight they did was about 20 feet in the air and went about 30 yards---I went further and higher than that last week when I had 2 Vodka and Grapefruits...........The White House is so majestic..just beaitiful....the history is great. I love how this country is so free that right outside the white house are organized protests going on for all kinds of wackos....you have homeless laying on a park bench right outside, and I noticed a Hooters about a block and a half away from it too ( I think Charlie Sheen was walking into it) I paid an average of $2.95 a gallon while away, which is like adding 3 extra hotel bills while traveling....Peoppole in Virginia where we stayed were nice enough, but stuffy too....the food was very good, my kids were actually very well behaved for the most part, and my wife only threw me out of the hotel room twice during the week---but hey--the drinks were good at the bar, so it all worked out. We seriously visited Arlington cemetary, and made the effort of looking up my frind-Mark Hartney's father who was buried there in 1999. Jim Hartney. This guy was a WW11 Air Force Pilot and did about 100 missions in Europe picking off the Germans....he was a Lt Col, and whatever that ranking was, I hold more respect for it than being a Vice President of Sales for a plastics company......I knew him well of course as he was my neighbor and friend's father, and came from the WW11 generation, which isn't the most relaxing way to be raised , if you happen to be Hartney, who liked to raise hell, stay out late, chase girls, and hang out with me-----His father was strict to say the least...as mine was...so we both had to endure these tough, NY born, Irish Catholics...who basically were not buying our carefree lifestyle......So we visited his tombstone, and then, while at the Smithsonian, visited the WW11 aeronautical exhibits..which featured one of the planes (bombers) that his father did his missions in...unreal...the cockpit was so tiny, the plane looked so old, and when I asked Hartney how old his father was while doing those missions..he said...between 23-25. When I was 23-25 I was learning how to sell plastic, find the airport without getting lost, pay off a credit card monthly statement, stay out till 2:30 am and still make it to work on time the next day, and try somehow to put some money in my 401K plan..........and people wonder why my generation doesn't quite measure up to those guys............Oh well...that's enough for now....

: Class Reunions
: Friday April 14, 2006
: 08:19 AM

I have this friend...Burt Yanik..I don't mind using his name, because even if he attempted to sue me, I know he has no money for the attorney fees. Me and this guy went to high school together...raised alot of hell together, played football together (if you can call that playiong football...) went on double dates together, and if my memory serves me right...even went to Summer School together. This guy has been infatuated with Class Reunions ever since we graduated back in 1978. The deal is this..what he wants is as many of the girls to attend as possible...and preferrably without the husbands. You see....as many attend without the hubby's...automatically increases his chances of fondling, touching, and possibly scoring with them by about 75%. The reunions that he has organized have been fun....you typically go to some hole in the wall.....begin drinking excessively, and by around midnight, he's dancing with some idiot's wife. I always leave my wife home...for several reasons....she has no intertest in attending any affair in which she knows that once I walk in, I'm surrounded by my friends who..like me..have the maturity level of a 15 year old...and once we meet at these things...maybe even drops to the level of a 12 year old. Anyway..Yanik of course never brings his wife...and loves to hand out little wallet pictures of his wife and kids...even though many people there still think those photos came with his wallet..............he then starts working the babes...esprcially those that have come a long distance, knowing that they must have a hotel room-----you following me? Me and all the rest of us losers are there listening to some hack 70's music, drinking cheap drinks, and just watching all the action around us. My wife feels safe back home because she knows...1. No women would ever want me 2.It's me who will have the major headache in the morning..not her 3. It relieves her of hearing a million stories re-hashed over and over again This guy-Burt Yanik is planning another one of these things....in July..he sends out formal announcements and everything.....he wants as many babes making the plans as possible....he always asks me to do my stand-up act too..as if anybody wants to listen to that crap...and he asks a band made up of 45-55 year old men singing Stairway to Heaven...Roundabout....and other 70's favorites---attempting to put you back in the mindframe of drinking, chasing babes, and dancing---when in reality, I'm wondering how comfortable it would be to laying in bed watching the Mets............. The next scheduled "reuniuon" is in July as I said....and Yanik is salivating of the possiblities already...he has asked me to do my act, which is about as interesting to me as getting a root canal------The weekend Yanik has chosen is my wife's birthday weekend, so I think I have a legitimate excuse not to attend this one, which will avoid me the pain of boring everyone with my act, eating cheap food, spending about $100.00 on cheap drinks, listening to a band play "Cat Scratch Fever", having about 25 girls tell me how obnoxious I was back in 1978 (they should talk to the wife...), and wake up with a head the size of an oversized basketball. Don;t get me wrong...I love all the people at the Reunion, and it really is alot of laughs ( if you exclude me from doing my act), but something about being 45-46 years old that makes me start saying..."What the hell am i doing?".................I know Yanik will be organizing this till he's 65 (if his liver can withstand his lifestyle), and I hate to think about how bad I will look, how tired I will be, how bad the music and food will be, and ancient the so called "babes" will look............and with that...it may be time finally to call it quits on these...even at the young age of 45.

: Bush's Poll Ratings/Weekend shows
: Friday April 07, 2006
: 08:19 AM

President George W. Bush's poll ratings are now a all new low for any President in history---according to 1,000 people polled yesterday(and you can imagine how that feels...), 36% of those people approve of what he is doing...that means ( I got a "C" in Pre-Algebra) that 64% of the people feel that he is a stooge. It's frightening -but honest. I mean..let's face it, it looks terrible for him.....the war is awful of course (ever see a good war?), Dick Cheney is shooting people, illegal aliens are taking jobs that otherwise lazy Americans may have had (if in fact they could wake up in time and pull away from the TV), Tom DeLay is a meanie and forced to resign, Bush is hated because he taps phone lines trying to hear conversations that terrorists may be having---the only thing good out of this one is if he had caught Pres. Bubba Clinton while he did the "phone sex thing with Monica......and Bush still stares at TV cameras like a kid in the 8th grade who gets asked to answer the question after the teacher caught him talking and doesn't know the answer............Frankly...we are screwed......and the next Pres. is going to have one hell of a job....if Bush is lucky--he will somehow survive this presidency and go home and shoot rabbits with Cheney. My suggestion is that he start drinking...heavilly..... and maybe the time will pass quickly. Tomorrow night I am at Temple Beth Shalom somewhere outside of Boston...is that some gig? The Rosenthals and the Lowensteins are going to be in for a big treat seeing the Irish Catholic kid do his thing.....How many cheap jokes will I make about such obvious things as drinking too much Maneshevitz, or the fact that matzoh has so many carbs..I just don't know. It should be fun and actually enjoy doing crazy gigs like this one...One Jewish woman is the host and emcee, myself and a black guy..................get your tickets now, this ought to be one for the ages. Will report on this one later............

: Katie Couric to CBS
: Wednesday April 05, 2006
: 08:38 AM

Katie Couiric is supposed to be switching from the NBC Today show to the big gig at CBS--the evening anchor...this announcement will be made later today. Exciting huh? Katie Couric????? As a News Anchor? This is hilarious.....I mean God Bless her...what is she getting offered? $ 25 mil a year i think? hahahahah..It's not even fathomable..anyway...she was getting a mere $ 15 mil sitting next to Matt Lauer and cracking lame jokes with Al Roker while he explained how he had a staple put in his stomach so he wouldn't eat as much. This TV business has gone haywire...I mean..I never liked Dan Rather, Peter jennings, or any of these guys..but katie Couric???? Who's next doing the anchor jobs? Geraldo? Montel Williams? Sally jessy Raphael? hey...what the hell? I mean..we all love Katie Couric..the little cheerleader type enthusiasm....her new plastic surgery body being shown off each day (that she still hasn't admitted to...), I even laugh when she always puts on the glasses when she gets real serious when interviewing someone really important,but my all time favorite "katie Couric pitch" was when she would have on some person who would be selling something...say..like clothes...and as the person would describe the item...Katie would ask like.."So, how much does something like that cost?", and the women would say.."Close to $75.00 for this sweater", and Katie would act like she just got hit by a train , at the idea of paying all that money for a sweater...as if she is shopping at Marshall's or something, like she was living on a budget. it's hilarious...and they always act like they do the Mother role just like all the 'real women in America", like my wife...work, make the kids lunchboxes, go to school meetings, clean the house, wash filthy baseball uniforms, drive the kids everywhere, feed the fat husband when he gets home, you know, all that BS. katie Couric always acted like she was doing all this....as opposed to screaming at NBC staff people as to why her coffee doeesn't have the proper sugar substitute, and driving to work in her Limo, and the maid at home taking care of her kids....you know the deal. And now she goes to CBS as the Anchor...unreal. This will be funny..truth is..nobody watches CBS news, and they will continue to not watch it...even with Katie Couric..but hey...she'll get paid, and Matt Lauer will have some other babe sitting next to him acting like they are a happy couple that loves working together......Show biz is great.

: Parent / Teacher Conferences
: Friday March 31, 2006
: 09:14 AM

Have all of you been thru this exercise? At report card time now--my town has these meetings in which you pick up "sonny boy's" report card and go down to the Gym, where they have tables in which all the teachers are sitting there, and you can walk up and sit down and discuss your little angel's grade and performance in class. it's actually very good...especially considering when I was a kid, they just gave me the bad grades I got, I brought them home and my father played ping pong with my skull. It's actually a very nice environment and they even offer water, coffee and donuts. So I sit down with a particular teacher and she says about my younger son.."he tends to wander and look out the window..", where I all of a sudden noticed...I was looking out the window...so I had to bring back the attention and listen more attentively. The teachers al;ways say the same thing..."he's really a good kid", "I enjoy having him in class", "if he would like more help in anything, Id be glad to give him that time.."....It's all standard stuff...my 2 kids have very good grades...I feel very fortunate..honestly...especially considering I had worse grades in school than Dan Quayle.....I feel bad for the Gym teachers in this arena because nobody seems to get in line to visit them and ask them any questions. I mean..what would you ask.."How can my son do better in your class? Why did he get only a "C"? Is he not hitting the volleyball correctly? is he getting his ass kicked too often in Bombardment? Is he snapping his towel against some kids ass too much in the shower? I mean...where the hell is he falling short? I visited my 7th grade son's French teacher yesterday....Nice woman...she discussed that he needs to know the sounds of French better....I promised her I'd make him work harder in sounding more like Maurice Chevalier or I'd smack the escargot out of him....I mean...what do you say? Get the french down I told him...work harder in French....memorize the sounds...OUI.....eh? ..OUI....I don't know...whatever..."hey..put down that bottle of wine!" All in all. it was a good experience..I love the schools our kids are in here...really--very good teachers..far better than the old bags I had....and what is real funny is that I actually go to the meetings...I think back and try to imagine my father making a trip to my school to see how sonny boy is doing...Hahahahah..it's funny to think about ...him walking in there in 1972.."How is my son Vincent doing?..."Well...quite frankly..he has a "D"...My father.."Oh yeah, when I get home and get my hands around his neck..that "D" will stand for death!'...As he leaves the room the teacher would be yelling of course..." But he's a real pleasure to have in class!"

: St Patrick's Day
: Friday March 17, 2006
: 09:54 AM

Happy St Paddy's Day! We will all hear this expression all day....being born "McElhone" I have heard this Irish history and lore all my life.,..I still don't understand it, to be honest...I have been to Ireland and I look at the Irish peopole and they all just go to Mass on ST Patrick's Day....us as Irish Americans? We as a people for some reaon seemed compelled to drink till we soil ourselves. I don't get it to be honest. Don't get me wrong..I enjoy having a Guiness, which I will have a couple later on today in fact with some friends in town....but for some reason, our entire country goes wild on this day...............the bars are all having specials...everybody is wearing green clothes.........my kids are all eating Lucky Charms for breakfast, and I used Irish Spring in the shower this morning. I mean....ask any American what St Patrick's Day represents...they don't even know. They know one thing--it's a great day to get smashed out of your mind. Already today Iv'e heard.."Top of the morning to ya!"...."God Bless the Irish!"..................and " Erin Go Bragh!" (which I think in Gaelic means..." Sweet Jesus Erin..put your bra back on!") As I earlier wrote...my entire family visited our roots in Ireland some years ago and loved it. The people are what makes the country....happy, simple, non-judgemental, and artistic. We loved it..my kids included. Contrary to our rumored beliefs...while visiting pubs there, I never saw an Irishman "over the limit"...they tended to have a shot of Bushmills next to a pint of Guiness, but sipping and taking their time. Over here, any bar you walk into today and any other day, the bar consumer is "pounding the brews", swigging down a shot, etc. The Irish have been inacurately portrayed here and so has the Holiday of ST Patrick's. Over there he was chasing oput the snakes, and over here he is a little elf like character with a green derby on that has more alchohol in him than Ted Kennedy on his birthday. It's hilarious really, but hey--what the hell? Wer'e Americans right? We will do anything for a day of fun, drinking, staggering, and finally collapsing.....after all---"God Bless the Irish!"

: Bush's Poll Numbers
: Thursday March 16, 2006
: 10:13 AM

Have you been keeping up with Bush's latest poll numbers????????????? I mean they are God awful....His favorability is at a low of about 30%!!!! Polls are hard to understand..I admit...or even trust...I know that too...but still..come on! I mean..remember the election night of Bush vs Kerry? All the polls had Kerry winning by a good margin, and in the end, it wasn't even close in "statewise" a landslide...But anyway..........still...the negative numbers out on him are as low as the chances of Keneau Reeves winning an Oscar next year. His favorability ratings are lower than similar polls taken on Tricky Dick Nixon as he went out to the helicopter and waved "Bye-Bye", back in 1974. This really is scary as we are involved in a war, have no idea of our future, don't seem united whatsoever, and probably worse than all of it---have no true candidates ready to come up soon and get "us back". I mean, the names I'm hearing from either party are just lame...Hillary Clinton for one....Dear Mother of God...not that sleaze again..please God--no...and the others are just lame and unimpressive. Where are all the leaders? Who is going to take on Iran and the others when problems hit? Who will figure out how to deal with all these things? Overseas competition? Immigration? Dick Cheney's poor aim? The Mets actually contending in the NL East? All these things--seriouslY? I'm scared..I really am...i think Bush reacted strong and did tyhe best he could given the circumstances that were thrown to him....be them as tough as they were...I mean, Clinton saw the terrorism coming, etc, and turned his head and dealt with them as "crimes" (he took the easy way out...)and Bush took the hit on 9-11 and tried to finally say--Enough---we have to react. He's been criticized since day one and here we are. Has it been perfect? hell no...but how about some other suggestions? All we have from Dem's and REp's is criticizing...Has Bush done a great job? No..he has not. But now what? What's the next deal? Who will figure this out? I would do it, but to be honest---I am booked at a Bar Mitvah on April 8th and have no time, not to mention the fact that Little league is about to begin. I'm serious though--who will the next person be who will take on all these terrorist countries, restore some sort of harmony, keep the economy going, solve health care, make Americans believe in ourselves again, keep the neighbors dogs from crapping on my lawn, and maybe most important of all---get me a shot on the next "American Idol"? I don't know...but if the answer is going to be "A lawyer from the Rose Law firm in Little Rock, ARK, or any of these others--be it Democrat or Republican....we are in serious trouble...and honestly---this has become scary.

: Little League Tryouts/Draft
: Monday March 13, 2006
: 09:38 AM

This past saturday was our annyual Little League Draft....which begins with the kids sort of going through a skills rating procedure all day in a gymnasium. You can imagine the chaos...kids..boys and girls..all ages, both baseball and softball......each getting up there and hitting a few pitches, throwing a ball for a bit...and then running .....and then all the coaches...with notes, rating forms and a pen..making notes and figuring which kids they will pick---so they can eventually win a title and get a plaque to put up on the wall. I am one of these guys...I came with no pen and no paper , but was able to "swindle" a pen from one of the parents.......I am sitting there for like a couple of hours rating these 10-12 year olds....writing such detailed notes as "Horrible"....."Bats ok..but runs like Jerry Lewis",..."throws hard, but has a worse physique than I do"...things like that.....I looked over at another coaches rating form and he actually puts down a number rating everything on the kid--from throwing, catching, hitting,, running,etc.......The other thing you must do is pick a kid eventually who will have a parent help coach..because getting some decent help is critical. A lot of coaches I compete with get father's who have true baseball knowledge, have played the game to some extent, and have experience somewhere along the line in youth sports instruction.....Last year I drafted a good player who was friends with my son, but also------just happened to have a father who could coach--that just happened to be a member of a private golf country club in the area....basically--when we didn't have scheduled games, he and I were teeing off. This is what it's all about...my record was horrific, but I took 6 strokes off my golf game by July 4th weekend. Anyway--after rating these little rugrats..we convene in a little room in the back of the facility with all the managers and the President of the league...the president must be there in case fights break out, or if any of the managers try cheating, etc. We all sit down and have our notes ready and then the Pres. reads off the draft order and you just start picking the kids....simple as that. It's really hilarious because I can tell how truly important this is to some of my friends in the room there....we all study the names and evaluate our best move...seeing who has already been taken and then going with the slickest , most advantageous move....We all say to ourselves things like.."Hmmm....if I take Bobby so and so. that gives me a decent hitter, but the kids father is not a memeber of a golf club or anything..."...or something like..."if i take Joey so and so, he can't catch a ball if it lands in his mitt, but his parents own an ice cream store which may result in free Vanilla cones after the game...." In the end, the draft went fine, and all 5 teams we chose are really close in talent level, and all games should be very evenly matched.....I have a friend of mine who tried trading for one of my kids, but I wasn't biting on that. I always have a feeling that if you wanted a certain kid...you would have grabbed him originally...and also...why is it that whenver someone wants something you have after the fact--and they offer something that "they say" is equal value.....it never is? I guess my philosophy stems from being a kid in NJ....when a neighborhood kid said to me.."Hey Vinny...I'll trade you my Ron Swaboda card for your Willie Mays card--ok? " I actually did it...and years later my father found out and said to me as I was all of 11 years old.."What are you an idiot?"

: Career Day
: Friday March 10, 2006
: 08:28 AM

Hey..you want a good laugh? here's one for you...I was called by my 5th grade son's teacher yesterday, and she asked me if I would be able to take part in a new thing they are doing called "Career Day"...as I understand it, they have asked several parents to come to the school and discuss their particular careers so these little tots can see what's out there in the American job market. I have friends of course in town that I have already heard are on the "forum" including a Doctor as well as an Attorney....the kids will be impressed with both of these vocations naturally---well..the teacher has asked me to come by , not to speak about my illustrious career of selling high density polyethelene to plastics fabricators---but rather--how and why I got into the lowest form of entertainment, next to dwarf wrestling----the world of stand-up comedy. Picture the scenario I will be walking into...a gymnasium filled of about 75 5th graders (that is 10 year olds for those of you who were smart enough not to have children) as well as all the teachers and possibly the principal, and I will walk out on the stage and educate these little tykes on why/how I got into stand-up, what I like about it, what makes it difficult, and even------any skills I may have learned in the 5th grade which helped lead me to this very prestigious career of mine............ Now..you can all picture just how silly this will be. I'm already picturing the scene....some teacher I'm sure will be moderating this educational event and he/she will be introducing me like this if you will...."Ok kids...one more round of applause for DR. Anderson...Timmy's Dad, who was kind enough to give us his time today and educate you on the world of medecine and health care..........." "Next up--we have Brendan's father...Mr. McElhone...who is a Stand-Up Comic, and just drove back from Chuckles Comedy Club on Long Island where he opened up for an R-Rated ventriloquist/Dummy act! He performs at nightclubs all over America--and you very well may have had him as either a Little League Coach or as a CCD teacher----let's give it up for Mr. McElhone!" Can you imagine this? Can it get any more bizarre? I feel bad for my 10 year old,...before saying "yes" to the school, I asked him if it would embarass him and he sort of shrugged his shoulders...my wife said I should do it, because the kids will get a kick out of it---so I said yes. I'm still struggling with what I'm going to say to these little rugrats....The truth is..when I get to the part as to what happened in 5th grade that may have led me here..."I was in the 5th grade and was talking with my buddy in the back of class one day and the teacher got mad and said.."Mr. McElhone...whatever is so important you have to be talking back there..maybe you can tell us all what it was!..." "So I stood up and did 35 minutes" This is really where it all began...so anyway....get your seating early--this could be a doozy

: Career Day
: Friday March 10, 2006
: 08:28 AM

: TV Babes
: Thursday March 09, 2006
: 09:16 AM

Have you noticed this fairly recent phenomenon that I have noticed? It's this whole "TV Babe" thing...all the girls on TV that are broadcasters or announcers, or explaining, or anything...are all the hottest babes you have ever seen.....I mean..from the Weather Channel, to everyday news stations, to to the women selling on HSN or whatever, to Court TV, to whatever....television has finally fficially figured it out---get the hottest babe on TV and they will watch....and I guess it's true. I remember twhen The Weather Channel first began....late 80's??? they had regular everyday women and men reporting the weather..a bit nerdy as I remember....Now...it's here is the weather being done by "Alesai"...this babe comes out on stage, and I could almmost swear I saw her dancing on a table at my last attended sales meeting....(Ok..I'm exxagerating)...how about ALL the anchors on FOX News????? Have you seen these "Journalists"???????????My God..one is more beautiful than the last one. All wearing a very sexy lip gloss lipstick...unreal...I mean...they are the hottest looking women I have ever seen. Do they really all have Journalism degrees? How about the Weather Channel Babes....are they really meteorologists?????????????? Have you seen the women hawking the products on HSN and QVC???? Where do they find these babes? I'm picturing sleazy TV Marketing Exec's walking into a Gentleman'club and checking them all out with a cigar hanging out of his mouth---saying "hey dollface...how would you like to become a meteorologist?" "No....I can't....I'm scasred of bad weather!"...."OK..how about doing prime time news for Fox News Weekend edition?" "Um...I guess...ok" "Don't be nervous baby...if you don't know what to say..a tiny microphone will be placed in your ear to tell you what to say........and if this gig doesn't work...you can always sell Laptops on QVC for us............"

: Doing a Cruise Ship.........
: Monday February 27, 2006
: 11:31 AM

I won't say who, but I have been contacted by my agent about doing a popular Cruise Ship tour.......I have never in my life taken a cruise even and now i am being asked to possibly go on a 2 week tour of doing 3 acts per night, every night for 2 weeks aboard one.....It is not by chance that I have not been on one...the idea of being on a boat for that long is painful to even think about. So why am I submitting my press kit to the agent today? I just have to.,..for my own enjoyment, just to see if they really want me for this...it's funny..the money is outrageously good to be honest, but the torture of being on board longer than Gilligan and the Skipper were, on the "3 week tour" they took is frightening............. All day long...nothing to do but roam the ship as couples walk around doing things....eating, drinking, swimming in the pools they have, staring out at the sea, counting the number of seats on the life rafts and making sure they have one for me, things like that. I picture them giving me a room the size of a hamper, on the bottom of the boat--sort of like where the Irish went in the movie-" The Titanic'--remember? That will be me...for 2 weeks...with lots of food, cheap wine, and drunk foreign audiences--staring back at me like.."What the hell is he talking about?"................My wife and kids back home and me on the ocean doing cheap jokes...unreal....my kids calling me and saying--"So Dad...what's it like"? Me answering back..."it's like a very cheap remake of the Poseidon Adventure-just before the s--- hits the fan..." I see me doing real hack jokes,...mostly relating to the Poseidon Adventure and The Titanic...becaise to be honest...what could be funnier? I see me up there in the main Ballroom saying things like.."hey...what's the deal with that Tidlewave I saw outside building up?..or "How come they are still making the Irish sleep downstairs next to the laundry room?........or maybe even..." if I see those musicians begin to play the music on the deck...I'm getting the hell out of here!"...or..."What the hell do you mean Women and Children first???I'm the Comedian for God's sake!" So this is what I'm looking forward to....if they even want me that is......if not....that's fine...my luck..if the thing went down..I'd be the guy having to row.

: American Idol
: Sunday February 26, 2006
: 02:00 PM

This is the first year I have ever watched this program..American Idol. My 2 kids watch it and this year, because I think I travel a lot less, I was actually around to watch this thing with them and see what the craze is....I think I figured it out...this british maniac--Simon is one mean SOB...which of course..is why I love him. This guy must be the reason...because the acts are pretty lame for the most part, and listening to Paula Abdul sound like a bleeding heart can actually make you ill. As for the other guy..Randy...if he calls one more 17 year female idol contestant "Dog"...I'm going to start to bark..........it is hilarious and Americans love several things this show offers.....cheap entertainment....seeing people fail, judges or peoople of power being mean to someone, and of course, in the end--seeing a true winner become victorious.It's a great concept by FOX, have to hand it to them...but without Simon whatever the hell his last name is--it wouldn't make it...nobody ever says how true that is...he is the man....first of all..it's the hair....dark black but with a "Scwarzneggian" style to it...then of course the accent....and not to mention the obvious matter of fact way of telling them they have no talent. I have watched this seasons shows, and I must say..I always agree with him..the two other judges say.."I like you", "You have such a nice quality about you", etc...and his turn comes and he says things like.."You repulse me".....I love the guy..I'm laughing out loud...no TV shows make me laugh like that....He recently had to review a little nerd and said to him after the other two applauded his audition..."This is becoming almost excruciating"........I mean...I was in tears from laughing...I know..I'm mean..right? Hey..come on..I'm in stand-up for 12 years...you want to hear what I have been told? hey..that's show biz..it is funny to me. I love this guy Simon..and by the way...he is clearly the most accurate and honest...when he says someone is great..he means it, and he is correct--that kid is really talented...isn't that the point here? The problem is..we as American's have become so shielded...you aren't supposed to tell people they have failed, or they aren't any good, or as Simon would say...'Your singing makes me ill" This is really what makes the show...if you had all three people loving all of them, the way Paula "I haven't had a hit record since 1989" Abdul does each night and performance...who would watch? The show is fun..it really is...and I am shocked I just wrote that, but it's been funny to watch. I told my kids I want them to someday compete for this thing...just so I can meet Simon and tell him how hilarious he has been....

: Playing Cards.....
: Sunday February 26, 2006
: 01:33 PM

I played cards with about 20 guys from town last nioght over a friend's house....a great time, especially considering that i really don't play cards or gamble at all...but when I heard there would be drinks and food--I somehow saw a way............Seriously--a great group of guys.....the host for the ebvening is a great guy with abbeautiful home and the perfect basement-converted to an entertainment room as you can imagine...fully stocked bar, wine cellar, cigar humidor (getting the drift why we all enjoyed it?), pool table, big screen TV, and even his son walking around fetching us whatever we wanted....food , snacks available as well...the only thing missing would have been a halftime break with 5 Vegas girls dancing for us. To explain the night...overall--I lost $ 30.00. I hate sounding like all other idiots who gamble and lose but here it goes anyway.."it was ok to lose..I had fun". Ever hear these idiots make that statement following a night at a casino...."I only lost $150...but I had fun"...I always imagine the guy running the casino..what he says..."That idiot over there just lost $150 to us..and you know what? I had fun taking it from him!".......... So that was me..it was a good time..I was actually up by $60.00 or so, but in the end I gave it all back.....All kinds of guys playing....a state trooper, an accountant, a town worker, couple of engineers, a Wash DC lobbyist, an ESPN producer...you name it. Great mix of guys...now here is the thing....whenever you get into games like this--which thank God is rare...you have to figure out who is the biggest scheister in the group..the biggest weasel, the guy that acts like he knows nothing, but knows how to hold out for the sucker kill...because I always play so stupidly---they always automatically think it's me...but I assure you...it's not. People look at me and they say.."hey...mcElhone plays so stupid...like he knows nothing....we better watch him...nobody is that stupid..."....I come back later with..."hey ..jokes on you guys..I am that stupid." I always lose..that's just the way it is....I was playing for about 4 hours and still couldn't get down whose turn it was to deal, or how much the ante should be each time, or how much certain colored chips are for that matter. I have never liked games....still don't ...I get bored too quickly...even my kids with video games...never still have even played one...as a kid...never liked any board games....always hated card games.....rolling the dice and moving a little cheap injection molded piece that number of spaces and thenm winning something or losing something never made any sense to me..........I only have ever liked sports...games where I can compete in as oopposed to some guy flipping me a random card or a die rolling so many times giving me my fate...i don't know....that's me So we played cards, ate food, drank beer, some of us had a cigar, and told stories, etc...it was fun as hell. I lost $30, and to be honest..I got off cheap, because as I said, I barely know that a straight beats a pair....Couple of guys there really play smart...they know what they are doing...and there is a skill to that.

: Little League Time!!!!!!!!!!
: Tuesday February 21, 2006
: 09:30 AM

Yes...It's that time of year again...we are getting ready again to play Little league baseball.......hard to believe-right? We here in my town have already had sign-ups...and we will do what we call "skills day"--which is where the kids all come and do a little workout to show all the bloodthirsty coaches just what sort of talent is available so we can all "draft" our teams....it's riveting stuff...Every baseball manager ( I of course am one of them...) wants a championship...every manager wants that trophy....but more than anything...every manager wants "sonny boy" to be the superstar.......this is where I get screwed.....In 5 years I have coached I have never won a title, never had a kid go on to the Yankees or Red Sox, and never have successfully pulled off a hit and run. I have acccomplished many other things however....witnessed many a kid cry following a strikeout, had an upset Mommy call me to tell me her kid is not happy, had Fathers tell me that their kid should not be playing right field--but should be the starting pitcher instead, had my own kid tell me I blew the game, have been beaten by 10 or more runs on numerous occassions, and have had umpires look at me and with faces that read.."Are you s------- me?" One of the funniest events is the draft itself...which pits about 5 of us against one another --as we attempt to choose the most alented kids in town on our teams, so we can eventually go on to win a title--thus showing the other fathers in town---who the real man is. This is where it becomes hilarious.....picture the room..seriously...all the kids names are on a wall..and we sit around with our notes on each kid...and as you choose a kid his name is removed from the wall...every pick made is thought out more than the war in Iraq was by Bush....very calculated...all of us have a coffee in front of us..very tense....and as a coach is about to announce his pick, all the others shift on the remaining talent. During this momentous procedure I am usually staring at my watch thinking..."I can't believe I'm missing an episode of "King of Queens" for this....some coaches pick the kids for pure talent...others look for the kids whose parents are either easy to get along with...or are out of the country...........others look for the kids who have single mothers.......some look for friends of their sons........Me???? I just try and pick kids who want to play, will be teachable, and are going to be fun to be around for the next 2 months............Know what that means? I go 3-12...that's what it means. I don't care,,,that's what's funny...truly..I don't. This will be my last year as a manager in town.....it will be a fun season as I will have both my boys on the team-for the one and only time that will happen...time for me to move along..it's good to get new blood too...a lot of guys will come close to killing themselves to grab the void when I leave....I will really miss coaching so many of these kids in town..I can assure the families I have had more fun than the kids themselves....I have to put more time in my business than I have and let others pick up the time on the volunteer stuff....plus it will be good to see some new faces handling the teams..not to mention the fact that maybe whoever takes my team can increase the wins to maybe something like....4. Lots of the parents will like that. It will be fun when I'm done to go to games in the future and just simply watch from the bleachers and listen to all the nasty things said by the parents about the manager...and just for fun...even I will be able to say .."Man ..this guy is terrible....I can't believe he's not batting my kid cleanup..."

: Vacation Week
: Monday February 20, 2006
: 07:53 AM

The kids and the wife are all off this week for Winter Break./..the schools take this week off and now everyone is home....happy times-right? Wrong...mayhem other families are going on nice vacations..Florida, etc. Wenahave decided to stay around and just "take it easy"...What does that mean? My two kids being annoying, that's what it means..."Can I go over so and so 's house?" Can we go to the movies?", "I'm bored", "Daddy--why are you kicking the cat?", "I'm hungry", "Mommy--why is Daddy drinking during breakfast?"...................you get the drift. I have to create a schedule or I will be sorry later..like at noon today. We will actually do several things...hit a matinee, play some basketball down at the Rec Center, take a few day trips, etc. But seriously--you have to keep them busy......... As for the Vacation Holiday today? President's Day? This holiday has always been a funny one to me....it's now a combined day of rememberance--for both Washington and Lincoln...if they both only knew that on this day there are more furniture and mattress sales than on any other day in American history.............God they would be proud....Imagine Lincoln up in heaven looking down on us--"I freed the slaves!"..And for that I get 60% off on a DVD player at Bernies???? Why don't we incorporate another predident on this combined "President's Day".............President William Clinton would be good...I don't have to tell you what all the Fathers would get to do on this special memorial.....now that would be an activity that would fill our Vacation Day!

: Vacation Week
: Monday February 20, 2006
: 07:53 AM

: Saddam Huessein's Hunger Strike
: Tuesday February 14, 2006
: 10:50 AM

This one is a beauty...Sadaam Huessein is now staging a hunger strike in his prison cell in Iraq..............You can't make this up....If he hasn't already put on a show at this ridiculous event, he's really putting one on now. Just last week Al Gore was in Saudia Arabia telling everyone there we were too rough on the captured terrorists...maybe Gore can fly into Baghdad and put on a presentation right there at the trial. He could be like an expert witness and tell how because we have been so mean to this poor man, that he can;t even find a way to feed himself. I am having a hard time myself, knowing that Sadaam Huessein, alias, "The Butcher of Baghdad" , is not eating 3 squares a day! This is awful! Can't we as Americans help this poor man? I mean...come on...I'm waiting for Gore or Hillary Clinton will put on a protest rally of some kind---demanding that Bush and his mean cronies will be more human........."he is not guilty yet! Treat him like a human! Feed him! they will say.....Oh God...too much..this country has really lost it's marbles, and me along with everybody else.....I think we should take Mr. Huessein (is that respectful enough of someone who is going hungry?) and lead him outside the jail he is in and let him quail hunt with Cheney...take a country drive over the Tigris River with Ted Kennedy.....or force him to watch a movie of Bill Clinton on a date with his daughter...............then we'll see how hungry he is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

: Dick Cheney
: Tuesday February 14, 2006
: 09:08 AM

This thing with Dick Cheney is really getting good...now he has been cited for not paying a $ 7.00 fee for hunting the quail in the first place, so now he has actually sent a check for $ 7.00 to the Gaming Board or something...I watched the news last night and the press is all over the White House with the details as to why Cheney didn't report the incident immediately in a press conference style......Like following the event, Cheney would address the press on the White House lawn.."ladies and gentleman..I have shot a man." "While hunting quail, not Dan Quayle mind you, but rather a bird, I shot a man with buskspray as I aimed my rifle toward the moving quail. I swear to you...i did not intend toi kill this man...I swear to God!...please believe me!".......Hahahahahahah...it's so funny this thing...now granted...why did Cheney allow the woman that owns the property to announce rather than him...he probably didn't even care, or didn't feel like going through the aggravation and embarassment of it....he probably should of...but I mean..why are they going so nuts over this? Do they really feel he shoulde arrested for attempted murder or something? of one of his best friends by the way? If I was Cheney I would do a press conference noiw..just for laughs ...and make it a very humorous one....something like.."ladies and gentlerman...I apologize for not letting you know right away of my hunting mishap......I really didn't know it would be this important to you.....I accidently sprayed my good friend here, but I swear to Almighty God, I had no intention of killing him......to all of you who feel cheated that they didn't know of this horrendous act, I apologize deeply. The next time I'm playing baseball with my grandson, and I accidently hit him with a pitch while he is batting, I promise to you--I will alert you as soon as possible and explain the details immediately" Yours truly, the meanest VP in American history--Dick Cheney

: A return to the Dentist....Things....
: Monday February 13, 2006
: 04:28 PM

Today I experienced my second of what will soon be 4...skin/gum grafts surgically planted along my gum line by my dentist...this is about as much fun as hunting with Dick Cheney....or to go a little further...riding in a car with Ted Kennedy. I think I wrote of my 1st one already, so I'll spare you the details except to say...they found an infected nerve in a tooth near the graph--so they did a "nerve amputation" as well..becuase God knows...the simple skin graft inside your mouth isn't enough...right? I was saying a Hail Mary as they began that surgery.....the guy may as well have kicked me in the privates as well, and charged me for it....I mean...what the hell?Oh By the way...know what the cost was? How about around $1,200? No insurance either baby....this one is out of pocket.... And my customers wonder why I have to charge so much for high density polyethelene.............. As mentioned before...Dick Cheney...our VP in Washington shot a friend Saturday while Quail hunting....like this guy wasnn't mean enough already? hahahah...this guy is one tough S.O.B....good thing Rumsfeld wasn't there, he'd have shot him between the eyes! When I first heard the news story..I thought when I heard that he was shooting Quail, they meant that Cheney had shot Dan Quayle! Oh well...one leasson for the guy Cheney shot..."Just be thankful he was a republican" The man who was one of the original creators of "Curious George" was found dead on his driveway and police have finally arrested someone in his death...I can't help but wonder if they have aprehended the Man with the Yellow hat............ We had a big snowstorm yesterday here on the east coast....here in Connecticut some towns had up to 28 inches...we here in my little town had about 15".....You would have thought the worl was about to end if you watched the local news guys..."Saying it would be a blizzrd of mammoth propotions..."etc...it wasa snowstorm...you know...snow fell down.....and kids went sledding...made snowmen all over the neighborhood, and people shoveled, and ...and...and that was about it....God...what a joke....a snowstorm and you would think that the Russians had landed............. Oh well...write again when my teeth and mouth heal....see ya

: Super Bowl Sunday
: Monday February 06, 2006
: 09:07 AM

Everybody catch the big game? What a bore-huh? I guess the Steelers won, but it was hardly memorable....the Seahawks...I mean..come on...we all want those other teams to be there--right? The Raiders, The Niners, The Cowboys, the Dolphins....oh yeah.....the Seahawks. it just isn't the same..... How about the Halftime show? Jagger and the Stones performed...it was like letting 5 guys out of a nearby retirement home to let them sing a few songs, and then put them on a van and send them back for dinnner and meds..........Jagger is 63, weighs about 95 LBS, dancing around like he's performing back in the 60's--when he still had teeth. I still can't understand a word he says........................and how about Keith Richards-his loyal longtime guitarist? he looks like he just came from the same rehab facility that Nick Nolte and Robert Downey Jr. just graduated from....his face has more leather to it than my 12 year old son's catcher mitt....Imagine that liver? How much heroin, cocaine and Jack Daniels can one organ take? Thw whole performance was lame--and it matched the performance in the game...just a bore. I did a show at the Hartford Airport this past Sat night......at a place called The Blackboard Cafe...nice people that own it...a friend of mine..Dominick Violante worked with me and he did a good job....about 35 people in the audience......don't know how they made any money.... I will be performing at the Improv in Fort Lauderdale, FL in March while going there for an upcoming sales meeting...will be seeing my buddy--Bill Mandia as well, who will come to the show and probabl6y spend about $ 38.00 alone on Grey Goose Vodka.....I think I am performing with Lisa Lampenelli--who has been tagged with the nickname "Queen of Mean"--as her act is a bit abrasive...used to work with Lisa years ago, so it will be an old reunion....Beautiful club--The Improv---so it should be fun...my last Improv date was in Dallas 3 years ago............... Off to Upstate NY visiting such beautiful places as Buffalo, Rochester, and Albany--------------is there anyone on this earth as lucky as me?

: Heather Locklear is getting Divorced!
: Friday February 03, 2006
: 10:03 AM

Heather Locklear is getting divorced! This is one of the hottest babes in Hollywood..and she is available. If only this was the time that my wife would come home from teaching 1st grade today and say...."I'm sorry..but I have fallen in love with the custodian at work and we are running away together.." Actually..knowing my luck, she will come home and say that, but it will be long after Heather remarries to some other rock and roll drug crazed maniac...which is what she seems to like. Oh well.....I can't even imagine myself with Heather lockklear,,,she is so unbeleivable...the first thing I would do is take her back to the old neighborhood to show her off to the guys back home...."fellas..I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend..her name is Heather Locklear...you may have seen her years ago on Dynasty...perhaps numerous other crappy television series over the years...but is she some looker or what?" Somehow, I just can't see herself saying ..." Let's see..I just got divorced..I'm a Hollywood Vixen...every guy in America wants to have me...who do I date next? Any rock and roll star I want? Television producer who may help me get a TV role (God knows I need some help), maybe a professional athlete, or maybe even just a boring old filthy rich multi millionaire business man? No!.....This time I'm going for a plastics salesman that makes peanuts doing stand-up comedy on the side- so he can get free drinks and a cigar after each of his performances! Yes..that's the man I want...and not a young dashing handsome plastics salesman either..I'm talking about a 45 year old middle aged looking salesman....losing his hair and overweight to boot.....yes...that's what I'm going for this time" Oh well...nice to dream huh? Just got back from Texas.....flew back on Wed night.....went to West Texas...some country out there...have been to Texas many times, but never as west as this...I mean..we drove 3 hours west of Dallas.....it was flat, dry, and it all looked like something out of a scene from Bonanza. We got to the hotel, and a little old lady worked there checking you in and she actually sleeps there next to the office so she can check you in if youy ring the bell..that kind of place....very little cell phone coverage of course....the food was either a steak or Mexican food...and each meal takes about 2 3/4 hours to bring it out because the cooks are always "fixin' to make it", but actually don't "fix" to make it till about a half hour after ther fact.....Lot of guys wearing cowboy hats and lots of pickup trucks....Never heard any Sinatra on the radio either....they all looked at me like I'm a communist, because in their opinnion, anyone who is from "New England" , must have voted for Teddy Kennedy........ I asked a coffee place if they had hazlenut, and the 62 year old lady working there-asked me "What are you one of those homos from up in NY?".........The companies we visited were fantastic and the people treat you so warmly it's funny.....sort of like if I were to bring them into New Jersey, Long Island, etc...how they would feel.......In west Texas..they love their football, and play it well too----they are not real impressed when I told them "I played in Connecticut!"...They equal that to playing soccer in a girls league.....They all got a kick out of the fact that my name is "Vinny" and I am originally from New Jersey...of course they think I am a close descendant to John Gotti, or at least have a role in HBO's Sopranos.....I tell them I am Irish..and they think I am lying to defend my honor.....Just for laughs..one supplier we visited was beating me up as to why I wasn't getting more orders and I told them I knew where more business was, and they asked me..."Well...where are these customers and how can we get more sales? And I answered them by saying...."I can't tell you...if I did....I'd have to kill you!"

: Update on Things................
: Friday January 27, 2006
: 11:53 AM

Notice I'm not writing as many of these damn things as past? The reason of course is..I've been busier...the plastics business has gone through the roof...and that roof is made of UV rated Polycarbonate. it's a good thing of course..but i feel bad that I haven';t kept up here...so here it is.... I had a friend of mine this week get back from a business trip in Manhattan, in which he walks into the Carnegie Deli with some clients....and while stuffing his face with pastrami, notices my picture nailed to the wall...he spits out his food and can't believe it...while laughing and tells his clients the real story.....thatr he knows me from this little town in Connecticut....can you imagine how little those guys thought of him once he admitted to knowing me? I have show this Sat night in Wolcott, CT...which is almost as exciting as having dental surgery again....I'm scared to think what the crowd will be like....Maybe I'm being too hard..maybe it will be great....it's being held at one of these places that normally do weddings....no weddings this weekend, so they book 3 guys with bullshit careers in to entertain about 100 people, who will probably understand about 50% of what I do..... I went and saw my son's band concert last night...man...what an experience...I'll tellyou..this school has some nerve calling that exhibition a "concert".........Jagger does a concert.....Springsteen performs in a concert........even classical held in Carnegie Hall..is a concert...this???? Oh man..it was funny..my son plays the trumpet..and let me tell you..it wasn't like listening to Satchmo....when I heard him "hit that horn", I wasn't thinking of Al Hirt...I was thinking more of an injured cow screaming for help. These kids are all so cute trying so hard..but I mean..man. I would guess out of 35 of them up there...3 actually wanted to go..they are all 10 years old..and the poor teacher who serves as "maestro"..is explaining the selected "songs" and what we are about to hear...does a great job...obviously he had them organized, and trying, and actaully at times did real well... I leave for Dallas, TX on Monday....will be all around there for a bit, and homeon Wed night...then the following week off to Palm Springs, CA for a week in which I will be booked out there...still waiting on the details...se ya

: Dental Surgery
: Tuesday January 17, 2006
: 10:43 AM

I am still alive and still recovering from dental surgery...ever do this? I had to go in yesterday morning and have "grafts" stitched into my worn out gums, which I have apparrently worn down over years of excessive brushing---wearing down and eroding the gums. Disgusting, isn't it? Oh yeah, by the way, not covered in the dental plan...$1,000 a visit...and I still have 3 more to go!. They refer to this as "surgery"...like your having your gall bladder removed....very expensive...and not a lot of laughs either.....I can only compare it to being about as enjoyable as watching a Keneau Reeves movie while having your toenails removed......First they begin by smiling at you when you walk in...that's the first indication you are screwed. The next thing is he says he will be giving me a "number" of needles to numb me up...I counted 8...seriously....he gave me so much novocaine, I couldn't feel my knee. After forcing these needles into the roof of my mouth and gumline, he walks out of the room and allows the "medication" to take effect....he comes back in with the dental assistant..is that the right term? I don't know..she was cute though...and patted my shoulder as he injected me with novocaine.....then they come back in...and he begins to basically carve skin out of the roof of my mouth, and re-plant it into the missing gumline. The dental assistant says little things ..like.."Your really doing well"..."wer'e 2/3rds done"....."just putting the dressing on now...".....I felt like I was 8.....but then again, anybody who could be so stupid to do this to your own gums in the first place---should be treated like they are 8. As I am about to leave after this fun session, the assistannt says to me...."If you begin to bleed excessively--call us".....I told her she should count on it..........then she said.."No coffee or alchohol as both can induce bleeding"...I then said..." is there any way you could just tighten the stitches?".........she chuckled, but looked at me like she wanted to call the American Dental Association on me....then she walks you out to the desk..making sure you don't escape without paying the $1,000....so I did pay the money, and then they get you to come back in one week and remove the stitches and line up session #2 one month from now. I'll tell you..it's tough getting old...........

: Finally--An Update! A New Years Eve Story....
: Friday December 30, 2005
: 08:14 AM

Yes..I'm still here,and a Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukah to all...and any other Holiday wish I should be sending....I am so bad with this Holiday stuff...everybody with the merry Christmas! Greeting...is it really sincere? I feel phony sometimes even saying it...what does it mean? I really would rather be saying things like..."get the hell out of that parking space you bastard..I was here first!"...or "$76.25 for this piece of junk!~!! Are you kidding me?"....."What do you mean your Uncle is coming, last time he came he ruined the entire weekend!".....or 3 days following Christmas day..one of my 2 sons saying "Dad...I'm bored....can we do something else?"....or maybe saying to me.."Jack next door got an Ipod and a cell phone...all I got was a sweatshirt and a pair of socks--you cheap bastard.." Other than all this..the holidays are real fun....you know what I like...? Regular time. That's what I call it..seriously. "Regular time". The kids go to school...my wife goes to school and teaches...I sell plastic and do comedy...and we all meet back and have dinner, watch a little TV, talk about our day....I kick the cat....scream at the kids for not doing things I tell them, head up to bed , read a little and we go to sleep. I like that. This Holiday stuff throws everything off..we are all hanging around running into each other....the kids are nuts...the wife keeps getting more depressed that the vacation time is that much cloer to being over....Nobody is buying any plastic....I'm not in the mood to do comedy (because I'm supposed to be home loving the family time......)I'm eating more and getting fatter....I'm sick and tired of watching these re-run movies every day that they keep playing on TV.....tired of hearing the Christmas music...tired of hearing the TV ads and how all the merchandise has been slashed at 75% now that Christmas is over...where the hell were you bastards DEC. 22nd? So what else is happening? Oh yeah..New Years..this is real exciting, huh? I just love that we are about to enter 2006. is that a weird sounding year or what? I'm working a comedy show that night? You ready for this? It's at what they describe as a "Upscale" Pool hall/ Billiards Lounge. How bad is my career? Can I ask you guys that? How bad has my career taken a dive? A Pool/Billiards Hall? What the hell is next? A Bowling Alley? God almighty.....busting my ass in this business for years..and this is where this new boooking agent has me.....the pay is actually very good, and it's an early show, which is great because I get back home before 10:00 pm, so I can do some things and go to a party in town with my wife..but God Almighty..my life is crazy. I'm picturing myself on a stage overlooking pool tables and cue sticks lined up against the wall....is this how Richard Pryor worked???? The anser of course is Yes..he did actaully...but then of course he made it big...unlike myself who am booked at a Micro brew house that just opened in Granby, CT later in January. Remember the old New Years Eve nights? Those were some parties huh? Me and my buddies would head out at around 7:00 or so...pick up a case of beer for the car riding, while going from one obnoxious New Years Eve Party to the next..all of these parties having kegs of beer, and other goodies. Always girls there of course, and always hoping that at midnight--whichever house you were at had plenty of good looking girls, because at midnight you'd be sucking face with all of them, acting as if you gave a rat's ass that at the ripe old age of 17--they had a truly wonderful New Year. Rememeber doing that? Kissing everybody in the room at midnight? There was always one who had a few too many that had you there for what seemed like about 25 minutes...very sloppy, etc..I always looked around the room checking out to see who my buddies happened to be lip locked with..the way thses guys drank..sometimes, I wouldn't have been surprised to have seen them making out with a broom stick..............Me, my brother, Bill Mandia, Skip Consalvo, Burt Yanik, John Hyland, Tom Sullivan, Mark Hartney, all these guys...within a room at midnight..trying to find somebody to make out with.We were desperate..no question about it...especially me...and I had a girlfriend!. My problem was this..you see..my girlfriend's mother never let her go out New Years Eve because her mother...1. Hated me 2. Told her daughter it was a dangerous night to be out. Therefore, I was out with the guys.....because 1. I hated being home on New Years Eve when there were girls who might be foolish enough to....say at least kiss me 2. I enjoyed nights full of danger 3. I enjoyed kegs 4. I was always there for any event in which society sort of said "it was ok to make a horses ass out of yourself" So we'd all be there at midnight making out with "chicks" ,and my goal was to pull it off without anyone in the room telling my girlfriend that i did this horrendous act in school on Monday. I never did pull it off, as people would tell her all that I did, and I'd be in the doghouse till about June. She would ask me.."Vinny..why did you kiss that girl on New Years Eve? You know we have been going out now for 4 months"....Me being very keen and quick thinking would always reply with things like.." I didn't want to..she just sort of grabbed me, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings". She never bought it..and I was always screwed. Then of course..there was getting home and dealing with my father, which on a night like that, was like Clinton getting grilled by the Senate Ethics Committee. He would always greet me at the top of the stairs and ask me..."Have you been drinking?" It would be like 1:30 am or so..something like that. And looking back...now being 45..I would have smartly said.."why yes I have..I'm sorry..I know it's wrong...may I go to bed now?" But I didn't answer it just like that then...back in 1977-say...1979....I said to him..."No" Lying always infuriated the old man...and now that I'm 45 and a father..it tends to get me going as well...When I said no..his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree..and he gave me one more chance to be truthful and said..."You are telling me you have had nothing to drink????" keep in mind that I had vomited already on my own shoulder which he clearly saw, and when I had initially entered the house I was staggering like John Wayne entering a saloon....and I answered.."No..I had nothing to drink" After he knocked me down the flight of stairs, I was laying there, and it became clear to me that he didn't believe me, much like my girlfriend was not going to believe me about making out with the chicks at midnight..... Ah well...New Years Eve....what a great time..I do miss those nights..they really were fantastic...honestly...wouldn't have traded all that drama for anything....would I have not drank as much and restrained from the make out sessions with the chicks???? Don't be ridiculous..of course not. This year by the way..I will do my comedy show....get paid..drive back to a neighbor's house where my wife will be...stay till about 11:00--drive home..and be asleep at 11:30 probably.......safe and sound....and nobody being mad at me. Things have changed.... Happy New Year!


: Friday December 30, 2005
: 07:19 AM

: Olaf Olsen.....Show this weekend....Things
: Tuesday December 13, 2005
: 04:14 PM

I know it's been awhile but things have been busy etc....my friend and ex-neighbor of 13 years..Olaf olsen passed away last night at the age of 73. I wrote about Ole just 2 months back or so and described this very unique individual. I was fortunate to get to see him recently as he was being treated at a local hospital, and spent a few hours at his bedside yesterday morning...he later passed that night. I will miss this man and the magic he had..not just with the guys, but all the lives he touched, including all the kids. I have a show this weekend in Hartford, CT......Thursday night....and then 2 shows on Friday and 2 more again on Saturday night....check out the schedule...The City Steam--Brew Ha Ha Comedy Club...excellent club..should be fun. Wife is hating me because I will basically miss the entire weekend....but hey....the money is fantastic and they serve some very good sushi. I just got signed to a new talent agency....I had to go to a meeting and everything...sign some papers saying I wouldn't bad mouth them, or become a booking agent against them or anything...hahahaah..I was laughing...yeah, like doing the comedy isn't bad enough...how about spending the day calling these characters all day and getting them to show up at the nightclubs, etc......Very nice organization though..immediately asked me to sign my headshot and put it up there on the wall with other "stars"...hahah.."stars"...is that great or what? I was laughing to myself to be honest....they will book me at certain clubs, events...they get a even 15%...hey..show biz..right? They book all kinds of acts....rock bands, comedians, jugglers, magicians, exotic dancers, impersonators, and even one of my old time favorites...one of the most eentertaining events of all show business-----dwarf tossing. I'm not kidding...this cagency will line up a dwarf tossing event right in your backyard if you like...for only about $1,200...not bad-right? let me know if you'd like it...I can book it for you...and I will get 15%. Anyway..it's a pretty good agency as far as these things go...not the William Morris Agency, but hey...I'm no dwarf act either.... Colin Farrell----enters drug rehab.....did you see the news? I love these Hollywood guys...Irish guy..about 27 probably...wears the hat backwards...smoking a cigarrette...drink in the hand, too "hip" to even do an interview...Hollywood loves this guy.....well guess what? Had to go to rehab...they are saying he is in for pain medication. That one always cracks me up...like he had a pain in his shoulder while filming some crap movie that he got paid $ 15 Million for...and next thing you know..he's oxycontine'd out....nothing to do with the booze he's chugging, the weed he's smoking, or the blow...always like a "medical ailment"......also in the paper it said..."he was reported to have been exhausted, and is being treated for exhaustion"...hahahahahaha...do these guys ever stop? Exhausted?? From what??? Filming in Europe? Taking press photos? Experiencing fine dining? Opening up the Champagne? Rolling a joint? Let me tell you something....single mothers are "exhausted"....guys that mow lawns all day are "exhausted", attorney's that worked for Clinton during the Paula Jones fiasco...were "exhausted"...but Colin Farrell???????????????????????Oh God..please...enough of these guys! Colin...the best of luck getting healthy again....stay off the Blow....keep away from the Oxycontin or whatever, and get back to the movies soon....if you can do all this...the tabloids will be writing how you fought off "the demons", and how brave you are......If I ever get sent to a rehab center...the Plastics News will write this instead..." 45 year old plastics salesman entered a rehab clinic earlier this week...due to heavy boozing, late nights, wining and dining, and in summation...just for being a bad husband and father. May he rot in hell, and let's hope there is a new, younger plastics salesman ready to peddle his materials..............."

: Sadaam Huessein Trial/ Things....
: Monday December 05, 2005
: 11:54 AM

Has everyone been following the Sadaam Huessein trial? This one even has OJ laughing......I mean...Huessein yelling at the judges.....storming out of the courtroom.....2 defense attorney's for these animals already murdered.....it's unreal. But nothing cracks me up more than Ramsey Clark...this liberal ex-Attorney general for Jimmy Carter...volunteering for the headline act himself...Huessein...as his defense attorney.......this is unreal..he is going to be Sadaam's Johnnie Cochran. I mean..this is real...not made up...an ex-Attorney General to the president of the United States ( I realize it was just Jimmy Carter...but still)....offering to help defend the current/modern day Hitler. It's amazing.......I hope he finds that the Iraqui's are not feeding him well or something...I mean...maybe next we will see al Gore or Hillary fly in to help him too.....I can believe anything at this point.....If Huessein was in LA..he'd be found not guilty, because the American that dragged the coward out of the hole a couple of years ago handled him 'too rough" when dragging him out of the hole................................................................... My Christmas cards are out, my tree is up and decorated, and Iv'e already gone to one Christmas Party in town...the season is here for sure...the real sign it's arrived are some other things however............................................................. I'm eating like Rosie O'Donnell following the cancellation of her show The television is running every hack Christmas movie ever known to man..including such Christmas tearjerkers which star such acting legends as Tony Danza, The guy from "Coach", Merideth Baxter Birney, the original Brady Bunch cast,Ed asner, Angela Lansbery, and if I'm not mistaken.....Gary Coleman. other tips that Christmas has arrived....snow is actually falling, my kids are showing more greed than the guys from Enron, the wife is stressed beyond belief, my little town I live in has a "Christmas event' scheduled for every day of the week from 2 weeks ago through Jan 2nd, even though my kids all have "Christmassy events' coming up in school---none are allowed to use the word "Christmas", or speak of the birth of Christ, the local radio stations are plugging those God awful ads which have someone crying with their personal problems asking for money to be sent, I'm hearing how Bush is going to visit the troops and read a Christmas story to a bunch of kids in some classroom in DC (God almighty..spare me), my bank account is depleting quickly, and did I mention? I'm eating so much I resemble that fat guy from the Subway ads "Before" he ate the Subway's............... Oh Well...enjoy the stresses of the Holiday.......don't forget..Dec 15-17th..Hartford, CT..........a good stress reliever....

: The Animal Planet
: Tuesday November 29, 2005
: 08:52 AM

I love the Animal Planet. I think just about everyone loves the Animal Planet.....it is such great stuff and so addicting. For those of you that have seen my act, you will recall I do a lot about the Animal Planet in my act...I mean, it's perfect...right? Nobody ever "plans" on watching The Animal Planet....we all just sort of "arrive" at it. But once the clicker arrives there, you can't help but stop and observe..am i right? There are times I'm watching for over 30 minutes saying to myself.."How long have I been here watching two fruitfly's screw?"........How many times are we going to have to watch these stupid gazelle's run past these Lions? They are never going to beat him in a dead heat!" My latest favorite is the Male Lion.............this beast is amazing..not only his beauty and his dominance, but his daily activity schedule is one that every American male must envy..let me take you through what I watched about him on the Animal Planet last month..............In a 24 hour period, the Male Lion spends his time doing the following----18 hours of sleeping. The sleeping is done in the shade, and under the tree of his choice..if another animal is there and he wants it--they relocate quickly and accordingly...he sleeps where and when he wants---with little interuptions. 3 hours a day he eats. He eats raw meat. He does not hunt...again..he does not get his own food..it is brought to him by the Lioness (female Lion for you people as ignorant as myself)...she brings the Male Lion his meals every day, and he spends as I said , 3 hours a day on average simply eating. The 3 remaining hours a day are spent...simply...mating. You got it.....good old fashion, physical, no emotions attached, wild kingdom...mating. 3 hours worth...where he wants, when he wants,with whomever he wants, and anyway and style he chooses...there is very little resistance to which Lioness he wants..........keep in mind...there is no on-line dating, no sexual harrassment suits, no Lionesses have opportunity to say, "I have a headache", and there are no purchases of Viagra needed for these guys either.............................................Given all this, it blows my mind that people still wonder why he is still called "King of the Jungle"...Being totally honest...all men would love his lifestyle.....in fact, it is to many, the perfect lifestyle..but I have to be honest here..to me, in order to make it 100% perfect..the 3 hours a day of mating is too much for me. I would like to be able to trade in perhaps an hour of sleep as well as one hour more of eating , leaving me with a simple and possibly attainable 60 minutes of mating a day...even that will be an amazing workout for someone who is 45 years old.............

: Thanksgiving-the old days
: Wednesday November 23, 2005
: 11:07 AM

Rememeber the Thanksgivings of yesterday???????? I don't mean the 1950's with the women in the apron, etc, as much as I do the 1970's...like when I was a kid. The Mother's weren't really wearing aprons anyore, but they weren't taking so much crap from the men as they used to.....but man..did they work! My mother began the day before, got up at 7;00 am and worked all day the day of, and threw the night with the cleaning , etc. My father began drinking beer once the football games started, yelling at me by around 2;30, and maybe gave me a good swat accross the head if I ticked him off by around 6:00.......and he was being nice because it was a Holiday. My mother did all the work...he was bothered by my simple presence, my brother was trying to sneak a cigarette outside the house, and my sister was in a bad mood because no boys liked her. My dog was a known homosexual...so he had his own problems. He really was...his name was Chips...he was a Collie..and he was gay. My father hated him for that..not because he was gay...there is nothing wrong with that......because he wouldn't breed, thus costing the old man about $350 for a litter. My dog Chips would rather decorate his doghouse and hang out looking for other gay dogs in the neighborhood.......... Anyway--the Thanksgiving. The meal was always great..my Mother was a phenomenal cook...the problem was for my brother and I, how to get out of the house following the meal to attend the local keg party without him saying no....it wasn't easy...but we were both very sneaky, and usually made it, even though he would say.."No going out tonight..it's a family day!" Which was ridiculous, because there was more yelling and fighting on this day in our house than what they have going on in Iraq right now.....My father would ask us.."who is going to say Grace"? before the meal...I always wanted to reply..." Grace? I was with her last night"...but never had the guts. If my brother did grace, I would kick him in the testicles under the table so he would screw up, thus causing my father to yell at him.....If I had to do it..i did it very seriously, because I was still working on getting out that night....A lot of times , my neighbor friends would come over for desert...Mark Hartney, and Bill Mandia. These guys would come over..have some apple pie or something and take the edge off of my father not letting us go out...in fact, often he broke down when the guys showed up, because he hated deep down in not seeing us have some fun..... My father would ask me...hey..where is your girlfriend? Aren't you seeing her tonight? it is Thanksgiving.....I came back with..."she is mad at me, and not speaking to me, so she is thinking of breaking up with me" which was true........My father would then come back with something like.."What a shock that she would get tired of such a prize as yourself"...which always made the guys laugh.....my father was very good at building up my confidence. so--there you have it....a Thanksgiving Night for me in the late '70's...I always thank God I wasn't raised in one of those dysfunctional families like those other kids.........

: Internet--On Line Dating services
: Thursday November 10, 2005
: 02:19 PM

I have to tell you..if I didn't have enough ways already to goof off and have some laughs.....I have found yet, another one. A friend of mine from Philly--a long time ago--told me of this web site ...match.com, that is an on line dating service of some type. he told me this, because he knows Iwould get a kick out of checking out the avialbale people in my little town and would probably know half of them...and just so happens..I do. it's really quite funny...hear is how it works....you can look up your little town, etc, by zip code, enabling to look at all the registered people--with pictures, without ever registering yourself...like I have done. In other words..it cost you nothing, yet you can look and see who is on there. So I did it..and sure enough...for free...I can see who is on and read about them and see the pictures they put on. it's really sort of sick I guess...I mean myself, being the one who is looking...not to mention hoqw sick it is to actually register, pay money, and list yourself--with photo and etails about yourself. If I were single...and if my wife saw me even looking at this crap..I would be.............first of all..I would put a picture of some other guy--just to get some initial attention. Then as a bio..I'd be writing things like....Loves kids, enjoys pets, likes long walks on the beach, drinks "occasional wine", loves to hug, marches in peace rallies, votes for any candidate who cares about the needy, somewhat emotional--but not fragile, listens to Yanni, watches re-runs of Friends...over and over again, and never uses foul language. I would try this, and see how many replies I got. it would be hilarious, because along with the phony picture, this would be the biggest hoax since Clinton told us "I didn't inhale". But it would be fun I think, in a very demented way, to read the replies from these crazy and wild babes. I'd always be afraid I suppose, that a few guys like, Richard Simmons somehow cracked the mold and got to me and started emailing me....But I think for the most part, this would be fun. This would of course be wrong, and it would cost money that I can use instead for gas. But you should all try it..it's pretty neat...plug in your town zip code and you will see faces you know...pretty weird actually. I know it's a sick from of entertainment, but hey, when you do stand up and sell plastic---sick and desperate things begin to happen. I would really like to put myself on there and do a fake picture with a desperate and phony bio, etc to attract some very aggressive women, but have the email come back to a lonely friend of mine without him knowing. Actually, I have several lonely and desperate friends of mine which this would be great for, but they would know it was me, tell my wife, and I wouldn't be allowed to watch the Giants this Sunday...so the hell with it. Oh well...give it a shot---if you are a mean spirited, evil thinking person such as myself--you too will enjoy. Let me know............

: The Bush White House.....Things.............
: Tuesday November 01, 2005
: 03:17 PM

Bush Boy looks like he's in trouble....911, then Saddam Huessein and Iraq, then the Hurricane's, then the woman Supreme Court Justice Nominee that was withdrawn, and now the "leak",,,I don';t even know what the hell the leak was....I never understand things like this. A couple of big wheels in the White House "leaked " some info on a CIA Operative..I don't know..I'm too dim I suppose, but also couldn't be bothered reading the detail on it...does anyone understand it? Little like Watergate, Iran Contra, etc...confusing a bit.....Babe with a stain on the dress...that one we all understand...you know...it's different. Anyway..the reports had Bush's #1 man...Karl Rove and Dick Cheney almost pulling a "Nixon", but instead...some guy who worked for Cheney--named Libby--actually nicknamed "Scooter"...scary isn't it?takes the hit. Oh well..that's Washington, right? Libby apparently obstructed justice and lied to a grand jury--which is exactly what Clinton did--was impeached, etc....and now Bush'e enemies say they must take over the White House so they can "clean things up"...oh well..it never ends does it? Why can't we all just get along? I mean Republican, Democrat..are any of these characters really any different? of course not....they are all slimy, or at least capable of being slimy at any moment...greed, power, influence, the chicks....something eventually gets them. it's really a shame...but I really have no patience in reading all about it....I despise the media just as much, if not more. Bush is really on the ropes..I don't see him getting much done to be honest....he'll be gone soon anyway and we will be on to a new "beautifully orchestrated campaign" by both parties...where both parties will be predicting "non-corruption", balanced budget, peace on earth, no more hurricanes, ending terrorism, finding Osama Bin Laden, making kids happier, improving schools, and giving everybody free health care. Who the candidates will be? Who the hell knows? What party will win? probably the Democrats to be honest...the Repubnlican's have had the White House, the House and the Senate, as well as the majority of the Gubernatorial States for over 8 years.....the Democrats are certainly due..............will it be Hillary? Will it be John Kerry? Mcheal Dukakis? Al Gore? This we don't know.....I'm just praying it's someone who doesn't allow any leaking by his employees..........someone that keeps his hands off the 21 year old interns during working hours.....someone that is nice.....someone that can tell terrorists to stop it just by telling them to "knock it off" rather than attack countries.........and someone that knows how to control these hurricanes a little better. I also hope the next president also learns that when appointing a Supreme Court Justice---just get the typical Ivy League , WASPY< man in a white suit--rather than do the politically correct thing---like the women..or say---putting me in there. Let's face it---the other party just climbs all over you--put in the sure thing. Then when they say..."The Supreme Court is all guys with money who went to Yale, that are all from the same old "club", and yopu should respond with.."Tough bannanas...I don't have time to play games"

: The Post Office
: Tuesday October 25, 2005
: 06:42 PM

I go to the Post Office quite a bit. I do alot of mailings....send a lot of taxes out, send certified letters and checks, etc. So I go there quite a bit in the last year or so--I guess since starting up my own business. If things aren't scary enough there, knowing that 1 out of 3 employees will eventually attack you or pull a "DogDay Afternoon" someday...I have found a new hobby while waiting in these dreadful lines to mail a letter.....I actually read the "Wanted Criminal" sheets that are hung up on the wall...very interesting./ Most people, such as myself, just see them attached to the wall, and sort of chuickle at the obvious fact that they obviously had these killers at one time---because they actaully had pictures taken.,...and now of course...they are loose again somehow. Well...you really want to laugh..read the detail criminal description sheets.....they give his height, weight, build type, and occupation.....It's alittle like the computer or on-line dating we hear so much about. For example...."Joseph Millard. 6 ft 2 255 LBS Large Frame Ice Cream truck Man Killed a family of 10 and is known to be armed and dangerous. Last seen wearing a Good Humor Man Outfit. I mean..it's like this....one of the funniest things is these guys almost always have jobs like..."Potato Farmer", "Custodial Service Man", "Highway Maintenance", etc. They never have positions like "Aeronautical Engineer", "Senior Chemist", "Plastics Salesman", or even "Stand-Up Comic" I don't know....it scares you..the pictures too are hilarious....they always give you two choices...one with a beard or a mustache, and one all shaven neatly. They also always have scars somewhere.....what's with that? Are these guys always having a knife fight? They all have tatoos of course too. I love the alias names.....They are usually truly named "Manuel"--but go with a name like "Carlos" to really throw you the cops off---and scary part is..apparently it's working so far. Sometimes it's great though--the guy has killed like 23 people because he had a bad day......and his name is "Tony"...but to fool the cops..he is now going with "Harold". Sometimes they will write little special notes omn a particular mass killer....such as .."is often seen at parks, museums, and petting zoos" This is always nice to know.....I also love when they write things like..."Last seen driving a red Ford Taurus with CT. Plates and smoking a Marlboro Cigarrette"...gets you all excited..."I just saw the sick bastard 5 minutes ago....he was heading into a TJ Maxx."!

: The Hurricane's
: Friday October 21, 2005
: 05:07 PM

I can't stand these Hurricane's...and I don't mean the aftermath...I don't mean the damage...I don't mean the rain or the wind---I just mean hearing about them. My buddy--Bill Mandia lives in FT Lauderdale....which used to be known as "Spring Break"..now it means..."Hurricane Alley"...he calls me whenever any weather is approaching. I can't stand any of this crap/..hey..you know what I say...the hurricane is coming? Get the hell out! Get in your car and take a drive....anywhere inland..Jesus..the technology gives you like 4 days to get ready. Take a vacation. I just don't want to hear about it...and I hate seeing it on TV too..the little colored cluster of the storm swirlingtoward the area of impact......some nerdy weather guy scaring the crap out of you...look ..the weather guy said on Thursday let's say--that the storm may hit on Sunday. If you are worried, take a ride to the Holiday Inn about 50 miles or so inland and go eat dinner with the kids at a nearbye Chili's for the night. I really can't stand the weather guys with that swirling little cluster...what I' d actually like to see is the swirling little cluster hit their little weather lab with all of them in it...so we can all catch a break. You want the real odds? You have a better chance of being killed by Scott Petersen than you do a hurricane! And Scott is in a jail cell at the moment, doing an impression of Paul Lynde at a gay wedding. I know they can be dangerous..I know..so relax, ok? I also know it's more dangerous as a FT Lauderdale resident to go drink for drink with Mandia on a Saturday night, than it is to go for a dip as the "eye" of the hurricane hits Lauderdale on total impact. I hate the names of these stupid things too...Rita...Katrina....now Wilma? What's next "Barney Rubble"? It's so stupid...I mean naming them???? They ought to name it something else.."Get the hell out of town and make sure your home insurance premiums are up to date". Do I feel bad for the people who are hit by these things? of course I do...I wrote my checks to Katrina........I did about 5 (no pay) comedy gigs which were benefits for Katrina victims...I prayed and still do for the victims....I think all Americans have done all they can to help the victims of these terrible Hurricane's....But let's face it.....if a lightning bolt hits my house and ruins my home and I have to go live under a rock, nobody is going to send me any checks.....and my luck being what it is...my wife and kids will go live with her father, and I literally...will be living under a rock. How many comedians will do a benefit for me? Ok..maybe 2 that I know..but they both have terrible acts, and thy might raise enough money for a plain pizza. I mean...these things we are talking about are catastrophes...acts of God.....or if nothing else........things that should make you run like crazy and get out of town. One more example...if I am told far in advance by a forecasters that thewre will most likely be an elephant running through my yard--first off..I would highly doubt the forecast as I have seen very few of them here in Connecticut.....however...if they showed pictures of them heading toward me on CNN, FOX News, etc...I would probably get the hell out of here as fast as "Bill Clinton hitting on an inetern"....... My point is simple....run like hell at any sign of danger...that's what I do. Screw the neighborhood...how many years you have lived there.....the dog, etc. RUN!!!!!!!!!!!! And the faster you do run, and the more often you do it, the less we have to watch these stooges on TV tell us about the "horrific situation"...and.....I won't have to work so many "free gigs" as fundraisers....I think you see where I'm going here.....

: Powerball
: Tuesday October 18, 2005
: 08:11 AM

I actually bought 5 Powerball tickets this morning....it's amazing because I don't gamble,let alone buy these ridiculous lottery tickets.....I don't know why i did this time..but I did. I was getting the newspaper and saw $340 Million! Powerball!...and I asked for 5 quick picks.....It's really funny..these lottery tickets. because somebody actually truly wins. it always fouls up their lives in the end..it's hilarious. before they won, the guy was earning like $38,000 a year, was married 16 years, had three kids, paid his mortghage barely on time, went to his kids little league games, etc. Then you watch a story on 20/20 3 years later and the poor bastard is in Drug Rehab, his wife left him for some 28 year old attorney (with about 45 Million), his kids hate his guts and don't even speak to him, he has lost almost all the money to poorly run businesses, his old company won't take him back, he's developed cirhossis and diabetes, and the dog won't even come to him when he calls him. Really a beautiful American Rags to Riches story..you know? I think it may have something to do with why I don't tend to buy these stupid things...except for today. I always love what people talk about when discussing these tickets..."I would send millions to feed the hungry"..."I would never change from who I am"...."I would help everyone in my family and all my friends who are needy"...."I would give it to my church and other organizations like Unicef, Red Cross, etc"..."I would stsrt the business I always dreamed of"...."I would travel the world".......................I despise all these little quips.....I want to see a guy finally be real..or actually, if I happen to win tomorrow(and by the way, I'm planning on it)...I would go to the TV studio who will of course want to interview you ....I mean, it is $340 Million.....I would go there and when I was able to speak to the person on TV, I would realize that everyone I know, such as friends, family, etc would be watching...I would say something like.." I will be using this money for all the enjoyment I could possibly dream of. I will be giving nothing to family, friends, organizations such as "save the whales", "feed the hungry", "Support Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon", "Support GreenPeace by buying Barbara Streisand Albums"---would all get nothing...so please..save your phone calls and letters. I would instead use the money for such quality functions as new tires on my Cadiillac, I would actually personally pay for a new pitching rotation for my NY Mets for next spring, only buy the finest cigars available, would pay for my lawn to be mowed, thus allowing me more time to attend my kids sporting events, I'd buy my wife a new ice scraper for her car for the winter (one of those good ones with the warm glove attached to the scraper), and I'd also personally pay for "speech lessons" for George W. Bush so he could possibly speak properly when addressing an audience as opposed to sounding like a 22 year old stand-up comedian doing his first 5 minute set at an open mike show on the upper west side. After I got done doing all these things...what else would I do with the remaining $339 plus million? I have no idea.....I see myself walking around town lighting up my cigars with $100 bills to be honest. I see myself maybe getting a cell phone earpiece adapter to avoid the $100 fine from the local police department. I see myself teasing my family memebers that i have money that they can't possibly imagine. I see myself telling my wife to be extra nice to me. I see me telling my 2 kids to watch the attitude, or I won't send them to prep schools when they get older. I see me getting 'special" uniforms for my little league team so we look better than the other kids--I even see me bribing the umpires for wins. I see me throwing $500 Bills (is there such a thing?) into the collection basket at Mass each week. I see me ordering the "grand Slam" at Denny's rather than the "Two eggs over easy". After all this...I don't know. If i do win this thing tomorrow--just for your own entertainment...check me out on 60 Minutes or 20/20 in about 3 years.....I'll be the guy sitting there in the interview telling you what it's like to be broke living in an apartmernt in Newark, NJ trying to get back into the plastics business.

: The Bird Flu......
: Thursday October 13, 2005
: 03:29 PM

Can you beleive this "Bird Flu" thing? What the hell is going on with this world...I can't keep up with all these damn flu's....SARS...Monkey Pox, Chicken Pox, Hong Kong Flu, Mumps, and they go on and on and on................Here is my problem....they are all developing so it seems in Asia...why? I have no idea...why don't they begin in Memphis, Tenn.? What about Sheboygen Wisc? And what is the damn deal with these birds? I'm scared now of these things..not bad enough they are shitting on my head half the time, now I have to worry about the Bird Flu? How does he infect me? By biting me, or maybe shitting on my head in Souteast Asia...I don't get it! Here's another one..."Monkey Pox"--this is a real beauty...actually this one has nothing to do with Monkey's...it's from a filthy rodent of some kind that bit or had sex with a chicken back in Thailand in 1993. Why are they blaming the monkeys? I don't know..maybe if you are infected with "Monkey Pox", you wind up eating an incredible number of bananas and wind up sitting on a limb of a tree.....I don't know! Rememeber SARS? This scared everyone...remember people were getting sick with SARS from flying on airplanes that flew back from Asia? What's the deal with that? And another thing.....how do you know you have these bird/Asian/Monkeylike flu's? Last week, I coughed, sneezed, and felt warm for a quick second--all within 7 days...and was asking my wife.."Do I have SARS? Am i resembling a monkey in any way? Did you notice any birds biting or shitting on me recently?" She looks at me like I have lost my mind...and says..."Your crazy, you possibly have a cold developing...relax, take a Tylenol and get some sleep"...I said to her..."yeah...sure...next thing you know I'll die in my sleep from the Bird Flu or Monkey Pox....what the hell do you care?'"............. So far, I'm still alive....watch out for these Flu's folks...I'm serious...they will get you eventually.

: Al Gore Announcement
: Thursday October 13, 2005
: 09:26 AM

Al Gore announced yesterday that he will not be running for President in 2008. Was anybody asking about him doing that? Does anyone remember him? I do of course, but only as a comical character. I was laughing when I read this announcement today--I mean..even the Democrats must be having a giiggle over this. Was he truly in contention as a candidate after that last run...with the Supreme Court Nonsense, etc? I mean...Bush hasn't exactly been Abraham Lincoln...we know...but I mean..does everybody remember my favorite trivia fact of Gore's illustrious presidential run..? Name the ONLY Presidential Hopeful in American history that while running--LOST his STATE (Tennessee) to the opposing Candidate? Need I say who the Answer to that question is....? Yeah..of course...GORE--the man who invented the internet, the guy who is still badmouthing the guy that has been doing the job since he lost, and now gets toe say whatever the hell he wants at him....to be honest with you.,..neither candidate could possibly excite anyone, but I mean...Al---Get over it! You lost, couldn't even win your own state, you did not invent anything in your life--let alone the intenet, you are merely a lawyer stuffed in a suit, never held a real job in your life, hung out as Clinton's understudy for 8 years (at least Clinton was scoring with chicks), and to be truthful--the only thing I can think of that you did in your entire existence was produce 2 pretty hot daughters....which is actually a noble thing. other than that...OH God..pleassseeee....get over that you lost--nobody ever wanted you to return (including the Dem's), and get a job teaching at some college or something................................. NEXT!>............................

: Things in the News
: Wednesday October 12, 2005
: 03:18 PM

I just got home from a trip and turned on my computer...went to my internet news page---know what is the "headline story"? The fact that the tabloids have in fact confirmed that Demi Moore has married this idiot--Ashton Kutscher...or whatever the hell his name is. This is beautiful...can you imagine? In a world that is currently at war, figthting terrorism, fighting floods and disasters, people trying to find shelter, etc.....Demi Moore's marriage to some idiot that will last about 4 months has made headline news.This story has about as much relevance as when I saw that Sean Penn was paddling a boat down the French Quarter following Katrina....I just loved that he actually had his own camera crew as he paddled the boat trying to save lives...... Has this country completely lost it? There are days it really is hard to fathom..but hey...it's what gives me material for the act--right? Ashton Kutscher...who names their kids this? Two people obviously doing acid..that's who. Boy George this week was arrested for cocaine posession in his NYC apartment. I still can't beleive this guy is even alive. Here is how he was arrested apparrently....he called the police to report he was being robbed in his apartment...with me so far? Ok..so the cops show up and knock on his door..he answers with his hair looking looking like Billy Idol (another boy genius), and says to the cops.."Yes..may I help you?" The cops proceeed to say..you called us...where is the robber? Boy George of course has no recollection of calling the cops only 25 minutes previously...however, the Cops notice about 4 big bags of cocaine sitting on his kitchen table. The cops call in for a warrant and wind up taking Mr. George in......Rememeber his song..."Do you really want to hurt me"?..I would like to answer,....."Yes..I would". Will we ever get tired of rock and roll singers, two bit actors, and former sitcom stars who are in the news, yet still have a political voice? it's so funny, I just can't take it. This country is NUTS...I mean it. The other day at my local Stop and Shop Supermarket, I nopticed a woman...about my age...45....filling out the subscription part of a mailer in the back of a National Enquirer...obviously hoping to have it delivered to her home on a full time basis..............Hey..I like to read those things too..while waiting in line or something..because of the obvious humor and ridiculousness of seeeing these Hollywood morons, but to subscribe to it as you would for an annual delivery of Forbes or something???? Oh well......am i topo hard? I don't know.....Maybe I should take the marriage of Ashton and Demi a bit more serious......he or she may be my next US Senator........................

: Columbus Day--Holiday
: Monday October 10, 2005
: 12:34 PM

Today is Columbus Day.......it's actually a Holiday. This thing is so funny to me. This guy..Chris let's call him...first of all is from Italy....he happens to drink a little too much Chianti, and crashes his boat into what is today...North America. And for this great event..he is credited with "discovering America". This guy found America, like Al Gore invented the internet...what a bunch of crap. I can't beleive my kids are home today because of this guy (which is what's really ticking me off, by the way)...I mean..the school systems should really get a grip..the kids are home because of Christopher Columbus? My kids are playing video games, whining about being bored, eating everything in sight, as opposed to what I suppose the school systems would like...which is sitting around thye house reading a book about Christopher Columbus and what a great man he was! For one thing...he was a crappy sailor. Second of all..he died of Gonnohrea...which is an italian name which means....." Don't get caught in the stern with Christopher Columbus, you interns!" I can't beleive we also close the Post Office today for him....we can't buy a stamp because of this guy? We also close our banks!!!! What does this mean? ..."There will be no money transactions tosday in 2005 as we honor and respect Christopher Columbus and all that he did to find America the way he did!" I mean...God Almighty..... I can think of so many Italians that have had 100 X the influence on this country than he did....Al Pacino was one--great actor, plus still has not gotten gonnohrea. Vinny Testaverde of the NY Jets...not the brightest bulb in the lamp, but won a lucky one yesterday. What about Sinatra????? I mean..come on! The guy is the best. He sang great, acted well, loved the babes, never crashed any of his yachts into places he doesn't belong, plus.....actually sold out The Sands Hotel back in 1967. I have news for you--Columbus could announce he just bumped into America and found a new country and he couldn't hold a news conference to tell it and get 34 people in a room! You want to talk about great italians that deserve a Holiday in their name??? What about my friend Billy Mandia? First of all.....he's only half Italian/ half Irish, which means he could bowl and drink liquor at the same time. So not only could we honor him with a day and credit Italy, but we could throw a little something at Ireland as well...which is kind of nice. He rammed his car into many places he shouldn't have...I mean..he never discovered a country when doing it, but he discovered alot more divorced, lonely women than any guy I have ever known. This guy can drink, meet attractive women, consume vodka, discuss the virtues of being an Italian, smoke a few cigars with the best of them.....but would never be so arrogant to assume we should close our banks, liquor stores, and post offices like Chris has done to us. Not to mention...Mandia would never suggest that we close the schools, because he knows better than anyone....that kids need to be in school---unlike the approach he took. I have just given a few brief examples, but I truly believe we need to honor some bigger wheels than this guy. I mean, the fact that I discovered that you can sell High Density Polyethelene for $ 1.68 per pound, and still buy back the scrap for $ 250.00 a truckload makes me not only a genius, but should give me a chance to be named for a National Holiday more than this guy! And I don't have an ounce of Italian in me...................

: My good friend Olaf Olsen
: Thursday October 06, 2005
: 03:58 PM

I have this friend of mine...Olaf Olsen...we all call him Ollie--not pronounced as in Ollie North, but as in Ollie..almost O'le. Ok..got it so far? Anyway, this guy was my old neighbor of 13 years in Connecticut. He is very sick...Lung Cancer, Diabetes, grossly overwieght, heat valves that are leaking, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, prostate cancer, to name a few. This man is a living legend. I visited him again recently at his home where he really looks close to the end, as we know that time is approaching. I visit him wheneverI can..he was just recently in a rehab hospital to get his strength back from massive chemo treatments. He still did not look good. This guy has lived an amazing life...one that HBO or somebody would make zillions on if only they would go for it.....He is currently about 75 yrs old....born in Brooklyn, NY..he eventually moved to Old Saybrook, CT when he was about 30. He met his wife-hennie back in Brooklyn and married this woman who has served him more loyally than Edith took care of Archie back in the 70's.....they are both of norweigan descent...which to a woman means she is to serve food, clean the house, and bake cakes. As for him...he is the perfect Norweigan----a True Viking if you will......he loves red meat, always drank heavy ales and varied grog, loves a single malt scotch, loved to hunt animals his entire life, enjoyed boating to any degree-especially boats that Vikings once manned, was tremendously talented with his hands as well as having a great eye for design and detail....this guy could build or fix anything. He has a basement made into a full time workshop that would make Bob Villa jealous..I'm serious..lathes, presses, every tool known to man, home made workbench, drills, saws, materials, etc. Just a real thing of beauty. I don't know how to make a birdhouse...but I was always still in awe. Very meticulous with his work...a damn pain in the ass....he was always such a perfectionist with all his projects. The kids in the neighborhood had a flat tire or a bike chain came off---they always went right to his basemnent, and within minutes the problem was fixed. He loved when anyone would stop over..he'd show you his latest project, discuss the detail, and move you toward his downstairs bar--which was also handmade and beautiful...and open the fridge for a beer for himself and you. The bar was a thing of beauty...problem was..it was so damn dark down there..I felt like I was in a scene from "Silence of the Lambs"....truth is..Vikings like the dark room like that...with the ale..etc..makes them feel like they are back home after pillaging and burning a small village. He loved to burn wood...fireplace, downstairs basemant-next to his bar, he even had a stove put in to his shed when he built that, which is another story. This guy had more wood piled each season than the Lincoln Log company has ever assembled...he'd be burning costantly....and if you didn't burn wood in your home..in his mind..you were a woman. The shed he made was a classic..homemade and good size. Naturally---it had a bar...fridge loaded with beer that his wife would constantly re-load, a shelf that had all the upscale whiskey's and Cognac's for guests, a radio--which he found at the local dump and fixed(Made in 1972), the pot belly stove that I mentioned, a small cot for any guest that had too many and needed to catch up a bit before going home to the wife (which most of us in the neighborhood used), artifacts on the walls and hanging in the rafters that were put there for "effect"...fishing rods, old guns, a shovel, a nice picture of the Long Island Sound, etc. He had a flag outside the shed for everyone to see that says..."Rape, Pillage and Burn"...He really is such a true Viking........he never allowed women to enter the shed..because..of course..that's not their place....it would often be full of at least 5 of us, plus him, sitting there next to the fridge, and then him directing one of us idiots to "man" the fire in the stove...often it was my son John--who loved the whole atmosphere that ollie taught him...the men..the fire, the privacy, etc....a mens club if you will. Ollie also had another favorite of mine I must mention...he had a horn...an old Norweigam horn...with the twisted up end...like they use in that annoying commercial for "Ricolah"......He would go to that horn if he was in the mood to "have a few"....and nobody was with him at the moment...he would blow the horn, which you could hear clear accross the Long Island Sound....and it simply was done to alert all the men in the neighborhood to stop what they were doing, and join him in the shed. Many of us loved the ritual, especially me, who would be joined by others as we all made tracks for "the shed", but other's wives didn't find it as humorous as we did....but for a good number of years--most of us literally did driop what we were doing--and went over. Once while mowing ,my lawn....on a tractor....my son ran to me..he was like...8...and he makes me turn the mower off..I said" What John...what is it?" He said "Daddy...Mr. Olsen is blowing his horn...he needs you in the shed !" I mean..the kid actually understood his urgency and the importance of afternoon drinking. I really love this man and he has had a huge impact on my life and my family's as well. He made me crazy at times, but I have such an admiration of a man that comes from nothing in Brooklyn, NY and migrates to this little town in Connecticut and had such an impact on so many people. My kids really adored him and all his attributes...I always loved the conversations we had...the laughs, the history, his stories as a soldier just after WW 11......I mean..just everything....he really replaced my father in a way since my fathers death in the early 90's in being able to discuss the history of NYC, the War, raising kids years ago, etc. He is very ill now...and I feel so sad when seeing him as I know his time is coming......so I need to record these things now. Please say a prayer for Ollie and the family as they enter this difficult period of time............

: "The Party"
: Monday October 03, 2005
: 07:48 AM

My wife and I threw a party this past Saturday night in Old Saybrook, CT. it was held at a nice spot on the Long Island Sound and we had almost 90 people there. Friends, relatives, co-workers, police from town, teachers, friends of mine that flew in from both Florida and Virginia, our Parish Priest, my travel agent, neighbors, neighbors from our first home we lived in, all kinds of people. The purpose was just to let go, given all the stresses in life and recent catastrophies--to just be thankful for all that we have...I know it sounds corny as hell, especially for me, but that's the reason I had it. This party was fantastic...everybody let loose, big time. It was like a very cheap wedding....appetizers, finger foods and the key to any good function...."OPEN BAR". I also had a deejay there and gave him strict directions to play music that would get everybody on that dsance floor and be in the mood to "Get crazy" Now keep in mind...the party was made up of 40-something-50-something year olds..bvut I'll tell you..we did our best. It's amazing what an "OPEN BAR" can do....First of all...it actually allows beautiful women to actually talk and dance to guys that are as desperate as say..my friends. It's also easy on the wallet, thus encouraging more damgage to your liver. People were dancing, laughing, drinking, eating, and generally having more fun than they had obviously had in quite a while. "OPEN BAR" is funny for this reason too..Somebody came by me and said...."Boy Vinny, you really have alot of friends..that's really special" I replied..."With an OPEN BAR, you too can have alot of friends..."If the invitation said CASH BAR...My wife and I would be standing here alone talking to the Hostess"......It's really true....I mean..hey..I love OPEN BAR...it's one fine moment of ordering drinks without a care in the world...making for a very wild and fun time..which it was. The great thing was..everybody had fun, nobody got hurt, no marriages were broken up (although soime were on the ropes by the end of the night), the hangovers are about cured, the community got to get a little bit closer, and I have a fantastic business "write off" to submit to my Accountant for the 2005 year. I really love all these people that attended..all good people, just doing all the things we all do..raising kids, working jobs, paying mortgages, and feeling the pain of all that has been going on in the world as of late....the world is getting crazier..no doubt about it. But they all came and were able to celebrate the fact that as dim as it may seem at times.........you have to all remember that we are lucky at what we all have and to stay together as a group for one another. Enough said...boy...You'd never know I was Republican would you?

: Home from Milwaukee---and ready for The Party.
: Wednesday September 28, 2005
: 11:31 AM

Well..I landed in Connecticut yeaterday around 4:20 pm...excited to death about 2 things...being home, and knowing I'm not waking up tomorrow morning in Milwaukee again as I had the previous 6 nights. I got home last night the happiest I have been since the Mets won the World Series in 1969............... I am hosting a party this Saturday night which is going to be one hell of an event.....My wife and I invited about 1oo people..including friends, family, co-workers, etc to meet at a place here in town and eat and drink all night. Why the party you ask, as everyone else has asked...seriously..I thought of the idea as my business which I started up has done surprisingly well..especially for only being a 1 1/2 year startup....so I said to myself...what could we do with some of this revenue that everybody could take part in? I know.....putting it all in the bank, investing in Home Depot since katrina, betting against the Giants on Sunday, are all smart ways to secure your money-not to mention far too intelligent a thing for a guy like me......but I thought that the idea of throwing a major bash would be better quality with my money. I'm an idiot...I know.....the key was getting it past the wife....if she had the expected (intelligent) reservations, I knew my idea was dead before I started....but she loved the idea from the get go......My reasoning to her was that the world has gotten so crazy....Iraq, these Hurricnes, the recent anniversary of 9-11, all these events..I just feel the tension in everyone everywhere I go..everything I read...so...what do you do? Throw a bash...I don't know..it just sort of hit me that that was the way to go. So----this Saturday night we are living it up....all paid for by yours truly......call it a very cheap wedding if you will---with nobody cutting the cake, but cutting the rug instead. I already have over 80 people confirmed, including as I said family, frinds in town, teachers, police officers, my Priest, old friends from high school, neighbors, my old neighbors, my accountant, business associates, and basic friends from all over. There will be an open bar, food, and I have hired a DJ. It's going to be a doozy.....and that's just describing the bill. Actually--seriously--the bill is going to be unreal.....open bar for 4 hours....when discussing it woith the girl at the facility...and I asked her to approximate the cost for open bar for 4 hours for close to 100 people...she asked me "What kind of drinkers are they"? I said to her..."Picture Sinatra and the Rat Pack, only having close to 100 members"...she looked at me and said..."it could be painful". So there you have it.....I have lost my mind......this party will go down in history....if my father was alive---he would be so mad at my sophmoric stupidity, he would want to kill me........but you know what? I really think I'm doing the right thing..I think all these people who are close to us could use this night...I know I can.......actually, the only thing I feel bad about is that i couldn't have invited more...but where do you stop? It's going to be fun, and if I can avoid having to check into the Betty Ford Clinic the next day, I think it will be a successful move----have any idea how much the Betty Ford Clinic costs? Way more than the party even. I will have to write an entry Sunday--following the event...it should be a good one, if I can keep my eyes open so I can type. Talk to you soon

: Milwaukee Business Trip
: Monday September 26, 2005
: 11:02 AM

What can I say? Iv'e been here in Milwaukee for 5 nights and it onlyseems like 6 weeks.....hey..it's Milwaukee, right? Plenty of plastics, but real lousy on the interesting part...unless you are fascinated by such thingts as cheese, sausage meats, and a baseball team which has so far won about 12 games this season. Did I mention the music? At this convention I'm at, they are constantly playing "OOmpah music" , or whatever the hell it is....Ijust want to get home so I can hear some Sinatra....I mean anything...I'll even take Country Western at this point.I'm doing well selling my plastic though...very good week....I actually may get rich on this trip..so rich, that I may update my picture on this cheap web site. The women here are cutetoo....they have that Milwaukee accent......sort of like a Minnesota thing...remember the movie "Fargo"? That sort of thing....Iv'e been shaking hands all week, drinking lots of Merlot, eating steak, and telling people.."hey, it's good to see you..how's business"? That sort of trivial nonsense.....it gets old..but hey..it pays the bills...I went out for a walk the other morning (what else can you do here at 5:30 am), and as I went down a few blocks, I saw some guys hanging out on the corner that looked like they just escaped from Rikers Island, and flew to Milwaukee for laughs....I said to myself.."If these guys stab and kill me, the headlines will read..."Plastics salesman killed in Milwaukee.....job now open in Connecticut"............it didn't happen though thank God.....the food is fattening..which is really great for me.....the beer is good but heavy.....the hotel I'm at is old and needs help, and I missed my kids games this weekend, all for the glory of selling Polycarbonate sheet to a bunch of guys that beat my price down by 25% just to get an order....oh well....life here as a plastics salesman.......I'm on a plane tomorrow to home, and I can't wait....I have a sore throat, Laryngitis, my feet are killing me, My Giants lost last night, and I'm exhausted....thank God I still have my sanity.......till next time when I get home........................................................

: Brittany Spears had a baby
: Thursday September 15, 2005
: 10:33 AM

Brittany had a baby! Isn't that sweet? I was laughing this morning when I saw this in the paper.Can you imagine Brittany as a Mommy? I can only wish she would move here to my town and raise the boy here. it's a boy as I said...and that is funny as hell too. Imagine when the kid turns 16? His buddies will bve lining up at his house to see "Mommy"...............The kids will say.."Man..have you seen Jason's Mom today? She's wearing those daisy dukes again..man! "I'll tell you..she looks great for 42!" Not to mention those boy's fathers....they will be all over her at the soccer practices, the Parent/Teacher Meetings, not to mention as she is working on the garden......................Maybe I'm being too hard on her..maybe she'll be a great mother..throw away the daisy dukes, the halter tops, the thongs, etc and become a true Mother in all senses of the word............let's hope not...this could be too entertaining. it's almost as funny as Micheal Douglass..this guy is so sleazy it's fantastic...he's like 67 or something...been married like 6 times, and each time his new wife bores him, he gets rid of her and moves on to a "new and better babe"....then he actually gives Catherine Zeta whatever the hell her name is, a baby...and the media covers it like he's really going to be a father to the poor kid.....you know he's golfing, chasing skirts, drinking brandy and smoking cigars everyday, and barely knows the kids name......actually, what I just wrote about him sounds pretty good...hmmm..anyway....You get the picture..it's all so hilarious...I just love any of these hollywood types when they try acting like regular parents...like us...doing all the BS day to day stuff.......I mean Brittany Spears as a Mother---it's just too damn funny.

: Katrina Fundraiser
: Wednesday September 14, 2005
: 01:39 PM

Tonight I will be in Milford, CT doing a show to help raise money for the victims of Katrina.....My buddy Bill Mandia may be coming as he happens to be in Connecticut this week. The show will feature 4 other comics other than yours truly. They charge $15 to get in, pprovide some dinner buffet, and then all of us idiots come out and do our thing. This sounds to me like a weak fundraiser..I see the total fundraiser bringing oin a total of about $ 36.45....and that's only because I'm not demanding a check. Seriously..I am glad i can help somehow, but doing a ridiculous routine just to me, doesn't quite cut it. I mean, unless you pull a Sean Penn move, including flying down there and paddling your own boat around (with a camera crew with you obviously..catching your heroics for the evening news), your not really helping out. I'm such a loser..I could see myself going down there, getting in a boat to rescue people and somehow falling out of the boat, and needing the Coast Guard to come resue me. I love when I saw Katie Couric reporting live from New Orleans and while interviewing some guy that just lost his house and everything personal to him....she began to almost cry-showing all the viewers how much she cared, and also showing everyone her bravery for being there. I just wish we could have seen the private jet that NBC sent her down in, and catch her live yelling at staffers as her hazlenut coffee wasn't made properly as they went to commercial..................Cynical you say? Yeah...I know. That's why I'm just better off doing the comedy relief show toninght in Milford....................

: My friend---Burt Yanik
: Monday September 12, 2005
: 08:07 AM

Sigmund Freud once said...."Everything we do in life is only done with hopes that it will eventually lead to sex".....or something like that. Who would ever think a plastics salesman from Connecticut could ever mis quote Freud? Oh well..I apologize. Anyway..I have this friend..his name is Yanik..it's a Lithuanian name that in English means " I somehow need to meet chicks" I grew up with this lunatic in Brookfield, CT during the 70's in the days that following a game we had keg parties and such rather than anabolic steroids.....We played football together in high school...and even though he spent more time combing his hair than he did hitting anybody, he still speaks to me about playing that game each day of his life. I still believe the only reason he played was to meet cheerleaders, date chicks, and hang out with all the guys. He would have been a great model for Freud because he still is a guy that does everything to meet chicks...he works a job in sales, to ultimately meet chicks. he organizes great high school reunion parties with increduble effort, detail, etc...to meet chicks.....he takes out the garbage at his house...yes...to meet chicks, perhaps a divorced neighbor bringing her garbage out....He is married..of course..but he got married I think, knowing she too would have friends--thus meeting..new chicks......he is now helping in raising money for a friend of ours from New Orleans who has potentially lost his home...but I still contend..this too..as noble as it may seem..is done ultimately to meet chicks...........This guy is amazing..still combing what hair he has left (don't tell anybody, but he is losing it..), still calls me and asks.."Have you heard from anybody? (he is actually probing to see if for whatever God crazy reason, some available "babe" from high school called me, and perhaps asked.."Have you seen Burt?)....and is now as I said formulating a relief fund for friends from home , and getting back in touch with long lost chicks from high school...what better way to show a woman your kindness/and humanity than doing this? Everybody seems to be coming together for our frinds from home and with everybody's assistance, they will hopefully be able to get life back together again as they once knew it...but as far as Yanik and all his efforts in anything in life goes...................................he's trying to meet chicks.....I think you get the message......In speaking of Katrina and it's devastaion, I will be performing in a Connecticut fundraiser on Wed night in Milford, CT this week to raise money for the victims. I will be honest however and say I am not doing this with hopes of meeting chicks, as I honestly will be hoping to do a decent service for once,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

: Hurricane Katrina/ Labor Day Weekend
: Monday September 05, 2005
: 09:38 AM

Unbelievable week....This Hurricane has really been far more damaging and catastrophic than anyone could have imagined. These poor people are in such deperation, that it really is hard to imagine. We take so much for granted...I know I do..I'm bitching and moaning when the furnace goes out or something.....imagine this? I mean......there is so much hysteria right now in this country between the Iraq War, terrorism in general, the situation down south, the price of gasoline and fuel, I mean..it really is hard to believe...........I had a comedy show this past Friday night...the place was empty....27 people.....place usually brings in 125. Gas prices? People not in the mood to laugh? I don't know....Very strange........I did the show, got paid...went home and had the money put into a check and sent it yesterday to New orleans...I don't know..big deal, right? That's my contribution...I don't know what else you can do? Fly down there and physically help somehow? i don't even know if your allowed to do this with all the National Guard, the Army, the Police force...now it's like a civil war too...violence, people shooting at the helicopters........it's sick, really. Now the media is blamng Bush for all this....is that accurate? i don';t know to be honest.....he wasn't fast enough to react? Once the levees go and the place is flooded...what can you do till things settle and stabilize? i wouldn;t know.....people floating around on mattresses, etc.....We don't have any experience in cities being washed out to sea...you know what i mean.....similar to 911.....terrorists take over airplanes and drive them into NYC buildings...this hasn't happened alot-right? I mean people were running thru the streets and heading to the Lincoln Tunnel.......did we react fast enough then? Not according to those caught in the towers that came crashing down hours later.....I mean..what's fast enough? These things are like monumental disasters........glad it's not my job to be responsible.....maybe it is the president's fault....I don't know.....I just watched CNN...you'd think he ordered Katrina to come ashore or something...........it's crazy....I mean....this country is so divided...I'm just glad my life is as simple as raising 2 boys and selling plastic.........I get blamed enough just doing these things incorrectly......These poor people down there...the children, the pregnant mothers I saw, the homesless, it's just hard to fathom the sadness of all this....everyone should contribute something towards these poor people...I mean, anything they can....prayers every day if nothing else.....money, clothing, etc. These filthy rich drug companies should be sending free medecine, filthy rich Wal Mart and Home Depot should be giving something as well for the materials and day to day stuff.......It's a disaster.....people looting, gas stations raising prices down there to teke advantage, hotels increasing room rates, things like this---these people ought to all do serious prison sentences....the guys shooting down helicopters, I mean...this is also why the rescue operations and getting to people can't go smoother......these morons that are interupting an already chaotic situation and causing the rescue misssion to be that much more complicated.....oh well...enough.... As for Labor Day Weekend........great weather here in New England...bit nobody wants to spend $3.35 a gallon so we are all staying home...which is actually good. I'm going out for a boatride today with friends...can't imagine that gas bill....our kids will swim, and fish, I'll drink a little wine, my wife will as well, and we'll talk about Katrina, the gas situation, and the fact that summer is over. So far this weekend, I have eaten like Dom DeLouise at a Chinese buffet line, watched my 10 year old win his football game, mowed the lawn, and gotten together locally with friends...discussing Katrina, gas prices, terrorism, fact that school is open again, football has returned, and the fact that Christmas will be here before you know it....................It is one crazy world out there right now folks...seriously...I mean..real crazy. When we were at church yesterday I couldn't help but think of all the things going on and how crazy it all is...we really need to sit back and be thankful for so much and think of all those who have been effected lately by situations so devastating and out of thier hands.........We are really being tested...............We really need to do more...I know I do....

: Hurricane Katrina/ Football Season/ My son the pilot
: Monday August 29, 2005
: 03:05 PM

This Katrina storm is unreal...gives a whole new meaning to "rainstorm"...those poor people, having to be evacuated, living in the Superdome...just awful. Iv'e been to New Orleans several times and let me tell you something...this place can't afford any more problems as a city. The city police had to conduct a true security check for all the people as they came in to the Superdome to avoid the storm...they said many had guns, etc, and didn't want to give them up, but still wanted a place to stay with food, etc. I'm trying to think of the reason of hhaving weapons during a hurricane and I just can't come up with it, other than to possibly kill someone accross the stadium who happens to be asleep in Row 36, seat #8 along the 35 yard line............ It stinks for one thing..is constantly filthy, and it has a history of political corruption to it that matches the Nixon administration. I mean..that city is screwed......how about that wind??? Unreal...155 MPH!!!My cat wouldn't be able to deal with it..he'd be in his own "Wizard of Oz" episode.....I just hope these people are ok there.....it really is the worst hurricane in modern times......My buddy Mark Hartney flew up to see me this weekend off the cuff, flew his plane from Virginia and landed here at a local airport in CT...had a great time and during his stay, on Saturday, offered to take my 12 year old son up in the air...my son was ecstatic about it and went. These two climb into this single prop Beechcraft Debonair on Saturday..while I watch..of course. Hartney is busting my chops all day that I won't go for the ride....I'm like..."with you in charge?"..So I let my son go instead......Hey look....back when we were kids, this guy used to drive his father's car through his own garage door while pulling out...he once totaled another car while reaching down for a cigarette he droipped while on his way to play in our football game...you don't remember those things, you know? And he wants me to fly with him? So what do I do? I send my innocent 12 year old off with him...hahahahaha..anyway..everything was good, and my son loved it. he actually got to handle the controls, actually flew the plane!! I can barely operate a Cadillac CTS and a Sears 16 HP tractor never mind operate an airplane..but there is my son flying up and down the CT River....it really was a great experience for him. Now he wants lessons, etc...of course. We had our first football game of the year.... we beat a town called Simsbury. My 10 year old didn't play as he was injured from paractice this week and couldn't suit up...he was dissapointed...his team won, and I told him his team did fine without him..he really loved that line...I got a kick out of watching some of these fathers going crazy as they yelled and screamed at 9 and 10 year olds to perform in a more "manly manner"...these poor kids at this age....trying their best to make tackles and run, and block, and just do whatever with these pads on......it's just cute if nothing else...but the fathers going ape over this is just hilarious....I mean..Iv'e played this level thru college, coached this level thru high school, and it just never stops amazing me to see how far a grown 40-5o year old adult will go in losing his marbles to a bunch of kids who all still beleive Santa Claus is coming in December.......hey...it makes the sometime "boredom" of these games interesting...so I'm not complaining. Say a prayer for these poor people in the South during the storm....

: Football has begun..........
: Saturday August 20, 2005
: 11:27 AM

Football has begun...I see it on TV with preseason NFL games, my son is playing for a 9-10 year old team.....and I see kids in general throwing the ball around. This signifies that summer is coming to an end, school is about to begin, and the wives are about to have their fat, lazy husbands watching football for an entire sunday from now thru New Years day 2006. My 10 year old is playing again here on this little youth team......the kid is pretty good, as far as a 10 year old can be.....the big sport in this town is soccer--not football, but the football is still an option for kids......I laugh to myself every time i see him in this little dwarf sized football outfit....from the cup to the helmet...it's really funny. I mean..he runs the ball, scored a touchdown the other night in a scrimmage in fact....but I mean..he's 10 for God's sake.....my 10 year old said.."Dad, did you see that kid bounce off me when I ran in for the touchdown?" I said.."yes..it was great", I didn't have the heart to say.."Did you happen to know that that kid you ran over is 9, still wets his bed, thinks Santa Claus is really coming in December, hates girls, and needs his Mommy 24/7?" But that's why this is so funny........the coaches take it very serious...like they are Vince Lombardi and they are molding these kids into men who will become champions.......when in reality, these kids are actually missing the video games at home and want a snack.....Football is such a great game though, that it's still exciting when a play is executed well and something that was actually planned....happens. I mean..it is great to watch......................................I really miss playing in a lot of ways..the hitting, the competetive spirit it gave me, the great shape you were forced to be in, the band playing as you ran out to the field, the huddle, and of course...the winning. I really loved all that, and there is a problem in getting all those things in say..baseball..or soccer. This game of football is not for everyone...in fact, it's for very few when you get right down to it....it is one tough, physical and emotional game. But because it really is a game that is so challenging that few excell at it...this is in my mind..what makes it so great. When I drop off my son to practice this summer...it was 97 degrees with 100% humidity, and he's running sprints with pads on, hitting people, getting yelled at by coaches, etc...i drive past the town beach a minute later, and I see kids swimming and having some good healty fun...and ask myself how you can even field a team of 3...never mind 24. I mean...this game and the conditioning, and the hitting, etc is tough..........it was tough when I was a kid...even tougher now for these kids..not because the paractices or the demands are tougher---but just because these kids live in such a coddled, soft, video game environment that having to go thru this is actually a miracle that they can...and stick with it. Oh well....gotta go, my 9 year old is getting ready, we have a scrimmage again at 12:00 and have to get him there.......Football is back.......and thank God it is.

: Golf today in Cape Cod
: Wednesday August 17, 2005
: 09:36 PM

I got to play golf today in Cape Cod..beautiful day, bunch of good guys...and free by the way....a bunch of food/bev salesman meeting as they do several times a year...playing golf, b.s.ing, etc. A friend of mine from home--Mike Souza has asked me to several of these business deals of his..as a fill in at first---to fill a foursome or something...but it nwas fun,,bunch of good guys..etc. hey...golf, etc, for me it was a no brainer, and I see customers in the area anyway..I went! So anyway...I did this today......Mike Souza...who is this guy who is involved in Little league with me back home...his son and my son are friends from home, etc....He actually is a cook...or a "chef" as he corrects me...the difference is that a chef makes $3.50 an hour more an hour....well..he stopped being a cook, and now sells Thai food to supermarkes as I understand it..which is lower than selling clear Polycrbonate tubing to plastics distributors.............if you can beleive that...........so anyway..now Souza sells thai food to supermarkets and sTores.....what a career, huh?.........so these other guys I golfed with today that work with him in some degree....all great guys, and not bad golfers too--which thells me they don't work that often............Tom Marone is one guy ..he is National Sales MGR of an olive oil producing company out of NJ........this guy looks more Italian than Joe Pesci in Goodfellas........He's got the dark Italian complexion, is from New Jersey, sells olive oil, plays golf, drinks, smokes, and likes to let you know you can kiss his ass if you give him any lip--which Souza was doing all day..............there was also Tony--who works for this Italian guy, and, what a shocker..he's Italian too......lives in Yorktown, NY..........then there was Jimmy Napolitano from Milford, CT..another fine Italian American, who is in sales for Bigelow, Inc--a fine producer of Tea...........don't ask me any details...he sells tea, ok? I don;t get it either..all day, with a company car, an expense account, etc, going from customer to customer--"Would you like to buy some tea? Beats the crap out of coffee.....and we have green too...big seller....Lipton stinks..those lousy British!" What else do you say in your sales pitch????? I don't know...anyway.....great guy..golfed a great second half....the other guy is a great guy as well....Frank "something very italian' is his name...he's from Massachusetts I think..a Uconn grad....that much I know.....just had a bypass done 3 months ago and is already playing golf..my kind of guy....he is a rep..I think he sells like I do in plastics...for many different companies, including the olive oil and the tea company....a real fine gentleman of a guy...reminded me of my father-in law.....only my father-in law never sold any food products in his life.....these guys are all great guys, and the whole time they are looking at me like.."Who the hell is Souza's buddy here getting all this free golf?' What a free loader!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are all plastics salesman this cheap? The answer is yes..of course...and I am embarassed. But hey..Souza asked me to come......! What would any of you say? Jimmy from the tea company suggested this hotel I am now in...I really appreciate it...great call..........These guys remind me of all the guys I have worked with over my 20 years in plastics...heavy drinking, rude behavior and unable to meet women....no...just kiddding. Actually they really do remind me of my fellow plastics salesman, and I could picture them in my industry...what they picture me doing ...who the hell knows? Not much I'm sure....my golf was atrocious....I don't know a thing about food brokering, I paid nothing for the golf.....and I ate for free as well..........come on...why would they like me? Oh well......they are a bunch of good guys..and to be honest...I'm hoping I see them next year for this event.......but am guessing eventually they will call up Souza and say..."Hey..that friend of yours..that plastics salesman...enough with him already!!!!!"